Venting Struggling with depression around family and friends

[girlwithflowers]

i remember the first time i attempted to ctb, when my feelings were finally diagnosed and i felt validated. i hate myself and i always think that i did all of this for attention. I genuinely dont know what to do with myself i feel so pathetic. I've struggled with suicidal ideation for a while and my friends knew, well ex friends now. They stopped being friends with me a while ago and i haven't told my parents yet. i sometimes just wish that someone ciuld see me for ME. Not for my actions just me. My friends stopped being friends with me because I used to be in another community shedtwt and thy found my account. I used to post my cuts and all my thoughts and feelings on there and then one day I wake up to a groupchat being made and all of them saying that "we cant be friends with you anymore" "we dont want to surround ourselves with this stuff" but i was never like actively suicidal or like venting to my friends ever and that was online and completely anonymous and i just feel like im being so overdramatic and just drowning in self pity.