Venting Struggling not to ctb

[Sugar Rabbit]

I made a promise to myself i wouldnt consider ctb untill either the end of this year or i move house, which ever one comes first. Its just getting tougher and tougher each day not to just ctb and say fuck this world. I been tempted to write the notes already to everyone who i care about. if i could take my brother out with me i would

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Walk with me and take things day by day. Days can be long and tough but if you take those hour by hour then they can be more bearable. And you can take hours minute by minute. And minutes second by second. Then you've gotten yourself through a week. Just hang in there. I'm here if you ever want to PM. Sending you a hug

 

[one4all]

@Sugar Rabbit May i ask why you are considering CTB?

 

[TheEndof]

I understand. I'm doing my very best to take it minute by minute but it's getting more and more difficult as the minutes become more and more painful. Sure, I'm here in body but my mind is long gone. What's the sense in just existing? I wish I could be more optimistic, but just know you're not alone.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I hear your pain and frustration and send sincere compassion for all you're going through.

That last sentence, however, is pretty scary.

if i could take my brother out with me i would

I respect you - and your brother - enough to be direct and honest.

I don't know if you view that as rescuing him, or if you're that attached to him, or what your motivation is for such a drastic consideration, but what you're ultimately talking about is a murder-suicide.

You get to choose to live or to ctb. So does he.

Please remember he is a separate person from you and gets to determine his own fate, in his own way and his own time.

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

my brother abused me on n off for 7 years hence why i want to take him out but i never would. im considering ctb beacuse of my past and abuse i have suffered. i now have fibromyalgia and live in pain 24/7

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

my brother abused me on n off for 7 years hence why i want to take him out but i never would. im considering ctb beacuse of my past and abuse i have suffered. i now have fibromyalgia and live in pain 24/7

I am so sorry for what you went through. I wish for you only the best. I wish you peace and well-being, and freedom from suffering. I hope that you can find healing, and if you choose it, I hope you have the most peaceful ctb.

I know from personal experience that it is empowering to imagine revenge. I believe we need safe spaces inside to freely imagine whatever we want so that we do not suffer from repression and end up losing control and acting out in ways that harm others and/or screw ourselves over.

I don't want to play armchair psychologist, but my impression is that saying this our loud was a cry for help, that you could and would do something drastic to your brother. You need a way to reclaim power. He had power over your body and your life; to take him with you would destroy him as he seemingly destroyed you.

I don't know what options you've sought. I know family abuse is a fucking minefield. But you need some way to feel powerful again without repression busting out and doing harm. Please feel free to talk here, maybe we can support you in working it out, maybe not, but we care.

And please know that I don't judge or negate you. I heard something scary and didn't dismiss or ignore it. I don't dismiss you or your pain, either.

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

thank you, the issue for me is i moved to get away from him and in 2018 he moved to the town i live in and it was and still is a nightmare. i dont leave the house in fear, i dont even want to open the curtains in fear. its why im trying to move to give me power back to get on with my life again

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

thank you, the issue for me is i moved to get away from him and in 2018 he moved to the town i live in and it was and still is a nightmare. i dont leave the house in fear, i dont even want to open the curtains in fear. its why im trying to move to give me power back to get on with my life again

Are you making progress? Do you have all the resources you need to move, or are you getting close to having them?

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

im making process i got a rough quote on how much it would be to move. i have someone interested in house swappign with me and i hope that works out and if it does i will be over 70 miles from where im right now

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Have you ever been to a self-defense course?

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

im disabled so it would be very hard for me to do, which why i think im so affarid

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

A good course should be able to work with that. Also, part of what's so empowering about a course is the yelling, it helps to reconnect with your voice and the power of your core.

I found this article I'm linking really inspiring, about a non-profit center for women's self defense and martial arts in NYC. (I caution against taking on the covertly victimizing quote in the article by "violence expert" Marc MacYoung, or checking into him as a supportive resource. I've read one of his books and most of his website, and I believe he is predatory and not at all on the side of women or girls. If I had a daughter, I would never send her to one of his courses.)

We can chip away at rape culture by teaching girls emotional self-defense

In 1970, a New York woman went to a popular army-navy store on the east side of Manhattan called Hudson’s. She picked out a pair of jeans, and tried them on in a storage room since there wasn’t a proper fitting room. As she was changing, a member of staff came into the room, climbed a ladder...

qz.com

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

thank u

 

[All an illusion]

I'm very sorry Sugar Rabbit...not much i can say to help ease your pain...but if you need an ear please feel free to message me...be well...Namaste.

 

[Sugar Rabbit]

i ended up in hospital with an overdose and self harm so tired