Struggles of a Weakling

[ming]

For five years I have wanted nothing but to end this bullshit called "life." For five years I thought about it every day, contemplated it and even glorified it. However, it's never enough, it will never be enough.

A weakling like me, who is always scared, can never pull through. I can't be brave or strong enough to do it, even though it's all that I want. However my hesitation makes me think, is this really what I want? The truth is a pathetic one; I don't want it, I simply can't see any other solution to the pain. Yet after many failed attempts of trying to achieve happiness, there isn't any hope left, I'm too tired.

Apparently I haven't hit rock bottom yet, because my will to live is still there. It's not even a will, it's just fear of the unknown, and pity for those I'll leave behind. In the end, I conclude that I'm simply weak as fuck, and can't do anything. Don't know how I'll get myself out of this mess, I've already gone so far only to back out once again.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you.

I cannot live and I cannot die, at least not yet. So what I do is endure, or at least I like to think like this.

Let's have a toast. Both weaklings trying to be strong, either to live or to die.

 

[ming]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you.

I cannot live and I cannot die, at least not yet. So what I do is endure, or at least I like to think like this.

Let's have a toast. Both weaklings trying to be strong, either to live or to die.

Well I'm very sorry you are in a similar situation, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. When it comes to others, I'm quite kind. I do not think of you as a weakling, as I am myself. The world is simply a cruel place, and we are unfortunate enough to be it's victims.

A toast sounds nice though, I'll be sure to drink to that once I get my hands on some booze.

 

[Rhaiyne]

For five years I have wanted nothing but to end this bullshit called "life." For five years I thought about it every day, contemplated it and even glorified it. However, it's never enough, it will never be enough.

A weakling like me, who is always scared, can never pull through. I can't be brave or strong enough to do it, even though it's all that I want. However my hesitation makes me think, is this really what I want? The truth is a pathetic one; I don't want it, I simply can't see any other solution to the pain. Yet after many failed attempts of trying to achieve happiness, there isn't any hope left, I'm too tired.

Apparently I haven't hit rock bottom yet, because my will to live is still there. It's not even a will, it's just fear of the unknown, and pity for those I'll leave behind. In the end, I conclude that I'm simply weak as fuck, and can't do anything. Don't know how I'll get myself out of this mess, I've already gone so far only to back out once again.

I hear you....
Fear... of the unknown... I want to feel peace so much but know I won't even have a clue what that feels like. I will ctb trying to find that peace but will be oblivious to it... is that peace?

Well I'm very sorry you are in a similar situation, I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. When it comes to others, I'm quite kind. I do not think of you as a weakling, as I am myself. The world is simply a cruel place, and we are unfortunate enough to be it's victims.

A toast sounds nice though, I'll be sure to drink to that once I get my hands on some booze.

I drink to you both... count me in as a third...

 

[plough22]

You're not weak, stop being so hard on yourself. You want to live, that's no crime. You stay strong, cause that's what you are.

 

[Dear Agony]

Wow... you have described my same exact situation... for 5 years as well death has been my main priority and comfort, yet I can't bring myself to it. I feel like I'm so close, yet so far. Only one reason distances me and death. My mom. I want to know what's going to win. My love for the idea of death or my love for my mom. Deep down, I pray it's my love for the idea of dying, because I don't want to spend my life in pain anymore. I know one day my mom will die. It's sad, but it's the truth. And until then I will probably have built more reasons to not CTB...
It's saddening to me, makes me mad, because I've known for years suicide would be the reason of my death. What makes me so scared is that, what if it's not? What if I don't have the courage to do it and live the rest of my life in pain?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering, it is not weak that you are in this position. I have wanted to ctb for a long time but I have never been able to go through with it because of the SI and fears of failure. I understand, how it is like being trapped when you feel as though you cannot ctb for some reason. I will probably be only able to go through with it when I reach a point of desperation. Living can be tiring, I just want to fall into an eternal sleep. I wish you well.

 

[Aboutblue]

I feel exactly the same. I ruined a ten year relationship and lost the love of my life and have nothing to live for. I already got everything I wanted. Yet I'm still stuck here, being pathetic.
I feel exactly the same. I ruined a ten year relationship and lost the love of my life and have nothing to live for. I already got everything I wanted. I'm still stuck here, being pathetic.