STILL WANT TO CTB

[StarryStarry]

I'm trying so hard to stay alive, but I'm afraid I'm losing the battle. I wish I had stuck with my original plan - leaving the apartment and my sweet girl (Sweet Pea) because I know she would have found a home. Now she is traumatized from traveling and living in a motel. I start the new job tomorrow. My brain is telling me I can't do this, I'm too stupid, too old, too whatever ... They'll fire me and now I have absolutely no money, nothing to sell - I have nothing. I am 9 hours from where my little girl is buried. I am terrified of failure. I feel as if I'm swimming as fast and hard as I can, but I am still drowning. So overwhelmed, so sad, so alone ... so suicidal.

 

[CommitSudoku]

You're an amazing person. For how long you've made it, for the difference you've made in so many people's lives (and Sweet Pea's), whether you know it or not. It's okay not to be okay. You've done so much, give yourself credit for making such a journey into the unknown. I really enjoy reading your posts even if I might not post too often in reply (or at all, I'm not sure if I have, my apologies). I wish I could have someone like you in my life, but I'm too scared to even start a chat haha if Sweet Pea is traumatized, I think it's okay to admit the journey was hard on you as well, but you both made it to the end. See how it goes. You've overcome a lot just getting there so you're capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. Even if it doesn't go well it doesn't necessarily reflect on you. There are so many factors to everything and you got that job so you've already got the first step under your belt, you overcame that and they saw potential in you. I'm not sure who you can reach out to, but there might be sources you can reach out to for help still. Maybe just give yourself some deserved respite now that you've made the journey. You deserve rest. And that might be a good place to start, try to get enough before tomorrow if at all possible. If it hasn't happened yet try not to dwell on the what-ifs (easier said than done though haha). I'm wishing you the best in whatever happens, and thank you for being a part of this community.

 

[StarryStarry]

You're an amazing person. For how long you've made it, for the difference you've made in so many people's lives (and Sweet Pea's), whether you know it or not. It's okay not to be okay. You've done so much, give yourself credit for making such a journey into the unknown. I really enjoy reading your posts even if I might not post too often in reply (or at all, I'm not sure if I have, my apologies). I wish I could have someone like you in my life, but I'm too scared to even start a chat haha if Sweet Pea is traumatized, I think it's okay to admit the journey was hard on you as well, but you both made it to the end. See how it goes. You've overcome a lot just getting there so you're capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. Even if it doesn't go well it doesn't necessarily reflect on you. There are so many factors to everything and you got that job so you've already got the first step under your belt, you overcame that and they saw potential in you. I'm not sure who you can reach out to, but there might be sources you can reach out to for help still. Maybe just give yourself some deserved respite now that you've made the journey. You deserve rest. And that might be a good place to start, try to get enough before tomorrow if at all possible. If it hasn't happened yet try not to dwell on the what-ifs (easier said than done though haha). I'm wishing you the best in whatever happens, and thank you for being a part of this community.

Your kind words made me cry. Thank you so much for responding to me. I feel so alone and afraid. Thank you and if you ever choose to pm I would love to talk to you.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I wish you luck with your new job

 

[StarryStarry]

I wish you luck with your new job

Thank you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it can be hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, this life can certainly be very stressful and depressing. I'm sorry you are struggling. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[anxious_depressive]

I wish you good luck in your new job.
You're strong, you can handle it.
Please don't devalue yourself.


I can understand how scared you are.
But you have found the strength and courage to move to another city.
You love Sweet Pea so much and take care of her.
You're a good person.
Sensitive and compassionate.

You can always find support here.

Hugs

 

[Sea Turtle]

Hey, I wish you the best in your new job and if you ever want to talk I am here. I appreciate so much that you reached out to me when I needed someone, and will gladly do the same and help in any way I can

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Oh, Starry. I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful and now so far away.

The night before a new job is always awful and I have traveled with a cat to start a new job, and I know it is rough. My kitty figured out how to get into the box under the hotel bed and I was forced to tip the bed up and basically wreck the room to find her. But I had her with me as I started my new life, as you have Sweet Pea.

Please give it a try.

When you finally see your daughter again, she will know that you have given life every chance.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

. I feel as if I'm swimming as fast and hard as I can, but I am still drowning.

Haha this for sure

 

[SoVeryDone]

I hope it went well! I had to push myself to be in my job. I'm so shy and I have to not be for my job. I faked it. I have 2 years there now. You can do it. For your girl and KitKat. I know it means pressure but I believe in you =) because you are a caring person.

 

[StarryStarry]

Oh, Starry. I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful and now so far away.

The night before a new job is always awful and I have traveled with a cat to start a new job, and I know it is rough. My kitty figured out how to get into the box under the hotel bed and I was forced to tip the bed up and basically wreck the room to find her. But I had her with me as I started my new life, as you have Sweet Pea.

Please give it a try.

When you finally see your daughter again, she will know that you have given life every chance.

OMG! that is my worse nightmare. Sweet Pea was under the bed all day today. I could tell because the blanket on the bed wasn't even dented. She didn't use the bathroom or eat or drink anything. She is so stressed. She has changed toward me. When I try to pet her she tries to bite me. She runs from me. I feel like a terrible mother. I really appreciate you sharing your story of your sweet kitty.