speck
Student
- May 5, 2020
- 178
I've officially begun the process of trying to work with A this week. I've known about this method for almost 15 years and I've been doing serious research for about 2, so sending them an email saying "I'm ready" felt like a turning point. Regardless of what happens, or when I decide to go, knowing that I'm taking control of the end is helping me through the day.
My decision to leave this vessel will take away my pain and the pain I cause others. The act of starting the process and coming to terms with the fact that ctb will be better for all involved has made me cry a lot less the past week- Simultaneously, I feel like a bottomless wishing well and the person throwing the coins. When I have a painful thought, I throw it deep down inside myself and I never hear it splash.
I don't want to die, but I want things to be magically better and that's not happening- it's never going to happen. My life will never get any better because I can't make any changes. I can at least do this.
My decision to leave this vessel will take away my pain and the pain I cause others. The act of starting the process and coming to terms with the fact that ctb will be better for all involved has made me cry a lot less the past week- Simultaneously, I feel like a bottomless wishing well and the person throwing the coins. When I have a painful thought, I throw it deep down inside myself and I never hear it splash.
I don't want to die, but I want things to be magically better and that's not happening- it's never going to happen. My life will never get any better because I can't make any changes. I can at least do this.
