Venting Sometimes I plan a nonmethod. anything to procrastinate i guess

[DewDr0p]

i need to study. need to get shit done. but i cant focus. just keep fantasizing about ODing and failing. getting through the pain. constantly apologising to everyone who helps me, they feel bad for me feeling like i have to apologise at all. i have a plan, though ATP it is just convoluted self harm. id take paracetamol in the morning, quite a lot of it. wait a few hours or as long as i can cope (though i hear some people dont get any symptoms at all) and call a helpline. i then take a bus to the hospital, or i guess an uber if that is too much? regardless i drag my ass there and apologise. i start saying sorry and just dont stop. i finally come clean and tell them the truth. my weirdass suicide ideation but not wanting to die, i guess it is NSSI, but if i do it bad enough to land me in the ER maybe then it will mean something.

i doubt ill actually carry it out. ill probably find joy and love and light or something. anyways i really need to do some study and paperwork and i dont want to do any of it. im probably just fantasising about this in th same way one dreams of being hit by a car to avoid going to work and being an adult and shutting up to just be a fucking adult already. god im so fucking lazy. my stomach grumbles and i skip meals to avoid dealing with people and the choice of food. no one ever mentions how good it feels to let yourself quietly fall apart. the smug satisfaction my one friend close enough to notice gets pissed off by it. they're my emergency contact. if i do it they will find out. they volunteer for some of that helpline shit. i feel bad. but they are the only reason i consider calling the helpline in my plan so i guess that is something.

FUCK THIS FUCKING CAR OUTSIDE HONKING AWAY FUCK THE SIRENS FUCK THE GUYS YAPPING AND YELLING AND GROWLING CAN YOU SHUTTUP??!?!?!? FUCK!

anyways guess ill try to get this study done so i dont disappoint my favourite prof.

 

[endlesschatter]

Buddy don't even think of OD. Sply Paracetamol. That's the worst thing to OD on. No matter how desperate you are, wasting time with non methods will lead you to frustration

 

[DewDr0p]

Buddy don't even think of OD. Sply Paracetamol. That's the worst thing to OD on. No matter how desperate you are, wasting time with non methods will lead you to frustration

I know. lowkey it's kind of the point. just a taste of fucking myself up. I'm kind of a coward, I smoked weed once and had a bad trip, just ended up barely responsive and had a panic attack for 3 hours. ngl it kinda was good, feeling so shit and scared felt validating. the only reason I haven't done anything similar is so i don't scare my friends. failed attempts in my head have a similar allure, except afterward i wont just literally run away when friends ask if im okay. at least with paracetamol i can do it on my own for cheap, i can get to the hopsital within 8-12 hours and have a pretty good prognosis, if i chicken out and do it in 4 or less even better, best practise is just charcoal. as stated, it is barely even an attempt, more just an elaborate waste of public health resources.

 

[endlesschatter]

I know. lowkey it's kind of the point. just a taste of fucking myself up. I'm kind of a coward, I smoked weed once and had a bad trip, just ended up barely responsive and had a panic attack for 3 hours. ngl it kinda was good, feeling so shit and scared felt validating. the only reason I haven't done anything similar is so i don't scare my friends. failed attempts in my head have a similar allure, except afterward i wont just literally run away when friends ask if im okay. at least with paracetamol i can do it on my own for cheap, i can get to the hopsital within 8-12 hours and have a pretty good prognosis, if i chicken out and do it in 4 or less even better, best practise is just charcoal. as stated, it is barely even an attempt, more just an elaborate waste of public health resources.

Paracetamol OD can lead to terrible symptoms in the chest. I did it as a teen and i regretted that instantly. Benzodiazepine ODs are better atleast that relaxes us and cuts us off the reality

 

[DewDr0p]

Paracetamol OD can lead to terrible symptoms in the chest. I did it as a teen and i regretted that instantly. Benzodiazepine ODs are better atleast that relaxes us and cuts us off the reality

huh, good to know. i dont really have access to benzos or whatever, and if i follow through i assume itll prevent me from getting my grubby little mitts on them in future but still. ill keep it in mind.

 

[endlesschatter]

huh, good to know. i dont really have access to benzos or whatever, and if i follow through i assume itll prevent me from getting my grubby little mitts on them in future but still. ill keep it in mind.

How i access benzos is very easy, i tell the psychiatrist that I'm having anxiety, had a few panic attacks and haven't been able to sleep for several days. They end up giving me atleast one benzo