CaliCatCharlie
Nature's Mockery
- May 28, 2021
- 76
With many failed attempts in the past because of survival instinct; I have finally come to grips with dying overall and with the decline of my mental state it's made it all the more easier to decide to CTB. I have given myself 4 weeks starting on the 17th to get my shit together and on the 13th of November I will have gone off to finally CTB in some location where no one can find me. I've also figured I need to let go of what chains me down here in this existence. I have let go of all my possessions and have thrown or given away my things as I do not need them and never will need them. The last things I own will be the clothes on my body the backpack on my back and the rope that I will be using around my neck. I've grown up with a lot a pain as a child and it never got better as an adult. I've considered all things and I do not want to be held back from the ultimate decision I have decided upon. To never be even slightly loved by the people you looked up to as your parents is soul-breaking. Especially coming into the realization of it as you age and that everything they told you was nothing but lies. My mother cared more about the material things in this world. Spending thousands upon thousands of dollars on cars and plants and not even putting any of it towards her children, not for anything. No clothes, no shoes, nothing for a hobby so we can grow into something we like, nothing for education so we can be set for our future. None of that! If we even so much as mentioned any of it to her it'd "be too expensive", but it's okay to blow money on cars and plants things we don't need. The cars never even moved, they were just there. I'm surprised I even survived any of that. I'm held back on life because of her. I can't do anything let alone get a job. Everyone is moving forward and leaving me behind. Though how I feel is too far gone for anything to fix it. I'm facing homelessness. I'm just a burden to everyone because I have nothing of my own. Can't care for myself. I'm stuck in that endless loop and can't even move myself forward no matter how much I try. I've had enough of it.
