Venting Something is wrong with me

[cherry333]

I think …actually I know something is wrong with me. Bi-polar depression, anxiety, ptsd. I think I need to ctb soon but I'm really scared. I think I'm scared I'll be in pain and I'm really scared that my little kids won't be okay. But what if they won't be okay if I stay here. What if I'm messing them up or stealing their childhood. I'm so scared. No one is ever going to love someone like me I'm too messed up. My head is all fucked up. I have too many bad memories to be happy. I'm always going to be sad…is anyone going to love such a sad depressed person. All I do is mask in "social" situations mostly work. When I meet people they think I'm annoyingly happy. I'm the complete opposite. I have everything that I should ever want in life. But it's not what I want I guess. I think what would really make me happy would be unconditional love I guess. Like my kids love me but that's just not enough for me. I want my partner to be in love with me, my sadness and all. I know I'll never get love from the family that I have. No family really. So to me, a partner will have to be the one to love me. It's sad though because I don't love myself. I think I came close to loving myself until I met my kids' dad and got pregnant. He's never going to be in love with me and that's sad. I think I've given up on trying to make him love me too…I've just accepted that I'm not good enough for him…which is fine but I don't think I'll be enough for anyone. Especially because I'll never be enough for myself. Idk I've just been thinking and thinking because I can't sleep for the past 2 weeks now. My depression is just getting worst. Now I'm sleep deprived. Wish I could just sleep forever…

 

[RawRX3]

I relate to a lot of what you shared. I've thought a lot about why nothing gives me a feeling of like wanting to live and it's for the same thing essentially. I need to have someone that sees me, reliably shows up, and continually tries to take care of me lovingly. It directly addresses the issues I had as a kid and the trauma I've experienced growing up and having the kind of support would really change lots of things. And I totally get where you're coming from, kids can love you unconditionally and that's super important and valuable but it's not quite the same kind of care that fills the need for being tended to and given personal attention and affection like a lover could. And definitely, it's hard to deal with the idea of dying when it leaves people that could need you, it's probably the only reason I haven't disappeared yet ^^"


I think the things kids are most appreciative of isn't that you were perfect but that you tried to show them love and showed up intentionally as much as you could. Mental illness takes a lot of things from you and can make it very hard to do that consistently, but the trying helps a lot more than you'd expect and that tends to make the biggest difference in development from what I've seen or know of

I'm really sorry you've been through so many things and idk what the best path forward is for you but I hope you can be given the care, love, and support you've always deserved <3