Discussion someone you’ve lost who you'd like to speak to?

[batmanreal]

i've lost pretty much everyone. i have no one. when it comes to people and relationships, there's no stability. the only thing that remains consistent is the fact that everyone leaves me, no exceptions. all the people in my life have died, drifted away, dropped me, or treated me like shit. anyway, there are a few people i'd like to talk to again. i want to express my thoughts to them, i want to vent to them, and yap about how they've hurt me and ruined my life. i want to ask them why i was so horrible and insignificant, and why i was so easy to ditch. i want to ask what i could have done to make them stay. i want to express to everyone how i've been left so paranoid and scared of getting close to others, all because everyone has left me.

there are some more specific things i'd like to say to certain people, mainly ex-friends, but i don't really have the energy to get into it now. i don't think voicing my thoughts would help anything, but getting it out to those people would still be nice.
i want most of them to be aware when i ctb as well. not really out of spite—i know that they don't care enough to feel any sort of way when i die, and you can't spite someone who doesn't care. i just want them to know that i was actually serious. i don't think anyone believed i was serious about ctb or my issues. even if they don't care, i want them to know that i wasn't just exhausting them for no reason.

this shit is the reason why i have such a hard time biting my tongue now. i'm tired of holding onto thoughts and wondering how certain people would have responded. there are people i wish i could speak to, but can't.
everything feels... incomplete? there's still so much hanging in the air that couldn't be discussed, and i'd give anything to clear it up. i can't handle living with unfinished things. my mind is flooded with the millions of what-ifs of how each conversation and topic would've been handled by each person; it makes me feel so exhausted.

i typed more than i wanted to, lol. i was wondering if anyone else feels the same way/has the same issue.
this is your sign to talk your shit to the people in your life—if you can, of course.

 

[kasa]

it's really scary for me to tell my feelings to friends. when i sometimes talk about being depressed, my depression gets twice as bad. they're too busy talking about themselves and i end up having to comfort them. because of that, i barely talk to them anymore. i feel like i've become an emotional trash can. i guess i'll live like this forever. i don't even expect anyone to listen to me anymore. i just want to live without having to worry about others even if i don't have friends

 

[alstroemeria55]

I get it. I hate myself for seemingly being so awful that I don't deserve anyone to stick around for me and I'm also immensely hurt that someone can just up and leave when you thought they cared about you as much as you cared about them. Barely had anything or anyone in the first place and the one person who I had a connection with that I thought was reciprocated decides I meant nothing to them, after lying to me over and over and making me believe that I did mean something.

 

[Lions303]

Id love to be able to tell my mom that I loved her. Don't think I ever got the chance before she went.

 

[FoxSauce]

It may sound silly but i wish i told my younger self that it wasmt her fault to what she experienced in her life.

Idk if that counts but still

 

[MyShadow]

My father and I were not close when I was younger. He was an angry, violent alcoholic who hospitalized me several times before I turned 12 years old. I left home very young to escape his physical and psychological wrath. Yet, he mellowed with age but before we could talk as men, he got Alzheimer's Disease and died.

If he were alive and healthy today, I would ask him about his life and maybe find out if he was ever proud of me.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

My dad...

 

[CTB Dream]

want talk girl me no see, injury damage no hd up no psbl ris no psbl talk no psbl say wrd no psbl any, lose girl no see girl

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yeah, I do. Though I'm in a bit of a situation now where I think I should just keep it too myself.

 

[EternalHunger]

I want to say something to certain people whether it's exes, friends or certain people I felt close to but at the same time, I'm not really sure what to say.
It just feels dreadful the way each one ended from what felt like midway through and I wish I could just take it all back anyways; I'd rather to have had 0 impact in any of their lives at all, and if anything I could say could make them at the very least better off I would do anything to have that last chance again. I feel like a cruel joke that mind numbingly on repeat, no matter the process it's always the same result.

Maybe it's less that I want to talk once last time and more that I just want a way to erase all this guilt. I miss each of them.

 

[kyuuketsuki]

i'm not sure if this exactly counts, but my nana who died 6 days before i was born. my mom actually had to have me one day later than planned because the day of the funeral was on the same day she was supposed to be induced. my nana drank herself to death. she had a very hard life, born and raised FLDS, arranged marriage to a grown man at 15 and had her first kid (my mom) at 16, then 3 more before she was even my age. they did all eventually leave the cult thankfully, but it's clear she also struggled with her mental health a lot. many people in my family have/do. but i do wish i had had the chance to meet her before she died. i have heard a lot of stories about her and seen pictures of her. she was beautiful and really badass, but intimidating.
but if there's one person i've known in my life i wish i could reconnect with the most, it'd be my childhood best friend probably. i miss her and wonder how she is a lot, but i was stupid and bad with words and offended her last we spoke, so i haven't talked to her in many years. sometimes i want to reach out to her, but i've been told it's better to let sleeping dogs lie.
i guess i'm lucky, i've known a decent amount of people who've died, but yet to be anyone really super close to me. it might have something to do with my attachment issues. when people die i do feel sad but i don't cry and i move on very quickly, perhaps too quickly. i only let very few people in and keep my distance emotionally from the vast majority of people.

 

[friendo25]

My friend Ben (who died in a car crash suicide).

 

[Isolatedloser]

Wish I was older when my dad died from born heart issues. It would have been nice if I could say my goodbye knowing he would untimely die no matter what.

 

[Lady_V]

My sister, who committed suicide. I want her to tell me I'm not alone and I'm not crazy, but also tell me to stop being a messy little bitch sm.

 

[fazzle]

I miss my grandmother and grandfather so much. They are the only people in my life who I feel truly loved me and I can say I loved them. I miss them everyday, they were part of my life for 38 years. I wish I could talk to them one more time. Hopefully on the otherside. I'm sorry to them I didn't turn out the way they wanted me to, I know they I ly ever wanted the best for me.

 

[ThePainKiller]

i wish i could talk again to this girl i met some months ago, she was one of the few people i truly trusted to tell everything about me, including my suicidal thoughts. i remember how sweet she was and i considered her to be pretty much my soulmate, although we never dated cuz she wasnt interested on online dating so we only stayed as friends, one day she told me that she wanted to cut contact from everyone in the internet and i tried asking her why but she only told me to think about the worst thing that could happen to a girl, i asked if it was SA and she said something like that but didnt give further details, which i think only leads to a single and horrible answer.

i really wish i was able to talk to her again and see if shes alright, and explain to her about my upcoming end, cause i dont want her to believe i forgot about or dont like her anymore.

 

[castlebravo]

My mother. I never understood what she was going through until recently. I'd like say I'm sorry for being so impatient about her medical condition (that I now understand completely).

 

[Irisse]

My unborn sibling. I believe in nothingness, but if there is an afterlife, I want to meet them and talk to them. I keep wondering what kind of person they would have been.

 

[tiltedcompass]

My friend, who committed suicide 10 years ago. I'd apologize for not getting closer, for not knowing her better, what she liked or didn't like. I was so shy back then that I didn't even have the courage to talk to most of my friends, but she would willingly open up about her problems with me until the day she died.
I would also apologize for not hugging her more. She would always playfully complain about me not hugging back, it's a bittersweet memory.

 

[Kari0499]

Yes. I want to know why was she so impulsive and blinded by her pain in the end. Why was all the love not enough to overcome one argument one day. Why did she say she'd stay only to give up on herself like this. Did she not know what would happen to me?

I hate her and feel remembrance for her equally.

You were the only human to make me feel human. Fucking no one has ever.

 

[Kurwenal]

A very special, very dear friend of mine passed away from a long-term illness last month. I last saw him three months ago, a few days before he travelled interstate to undergo treatment for his condition. He had been told there was only a 30% chance of success, but that not undergoing the procedure had a 100% chance of death in the near future.

He was more fatherly to me than my own father, quite often. He really was a hero in so many ways. I only wish I could have said a true goodbye to him. When I bade him farewell before he travelled for the procedure, I wished him luck, but I didn't say nearly any of the things I wanted to say. I think something in me felt like I would have jinxed him, or something, even though I don't believe in that being possible. I didn't want that parting to be overly sentimental, I wanted it to just be like saying farewell before a long trip, and looking forward to seeing him again when he returned. Knowing him, the way we said farewell to each other on that day, fully expecting to see each other once more, was what he would have wanted. He wouldn't want me to tell him everything he meant to me, he'd call me a sappy fool. So it's purely for selfish reasons that I wish I could have told him all those things.

He really was one of those people without whom the world is a worse place. I wish I hadn't been so stuck in my own head, this past year in particular, and had spent more time with him. But even if I had the chance to speak to him now, I don't think it would be right to tell him everything I felt and feel about him and the loss of him. Instead, I think we'd quote Monty Python sketches, and we'd mock each other, and we'd just share our worlds with each other. That was what we did in life, and it would only be fitting to do that in death, too.

Rest in peace.

 

[OvercastingClouds]

Probably my great grandma, she passed away when I was in 6th grade. I don't really "mourn" I guess, but I grew up going to her house and whatnot. When I visit now, it just feels kinda empty. My family would all come together to gather to her house on holidays and stuff, now nobody gathers anymore. She basically tied the family together.

I don't think about her much but occasionally she pops up in my mind and I wish I asked more about her history, teaching me how to garden and her cooking techniques, etc. I was too busy playing games to think about it but at the same time I know I shouldn't get upset at myself as I was just a kid after all.

Her and my great aunt (her daughter) were the only major deaths in my family that effected me and my family

 

[fallingbehind]

Wow. Literally hours after reading this thread I got the news that my favorite uncle has passed. He was my favorite because even though we didnt talk much, he never berated me infront of others like most of my extended family.
If I had known I wouldve thanked him.