Venting so fucking tired

[SterileMoth]

I'm so tired of being yanked around by my emotions, of feeling mid-level decent one month then feeling lowest of lows the next. I can't believe I let myself start caring again. Nothing matters, nothing is worth this, I don't want to care anymore. The weeks I spent after deciding I was going to ctb were so freeing, of course I let myself start caring again and OF COURSE that's when things take a turn. Devoting any amount of energy into life just results in disappointment, anxiety, and hurt. I don't want to care anymore. I envy sociopaths and psychopaths, they don't care about things, they don't feel things, they just ARE. I feel bad for envying them, they can ruin other people, but they don't even know that. They have no idea what they're doing, they can't know, that don't feel things. Instead I feel TOO MUCH of EVERYTHING. All my emotions are always so god damn loud that I can't ignore them, I can't just live my life, it's fucking impossible to function because they are so loud sometimes I can't function. I fucking hate it here. I hate this I hate everything I hate feeling I hate caring I have being here. I just want it to stop. I don't want to feel. I don't want to think. I don't want to exist. I don't want this I hate this. The hole in my chest will never be patched up, it will still be a hole, and I'll still be shitty and sad and worthless. I'm tired.

 

[Jadedcat]

I totally relate. I feel way too much too and it's torture.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm tired of being at my lowest of lows for two years without end but also deep-down not wanting to kill myself at the same time, like being squished REALLY hard between a rock and a hard place. It's so exhausting...