1001YellowDaffodils
the end is nigh
- Dec 19, 2021
- 32
SN is supposed to get here by the end of March and the thought of keeping this up for like two more months is killing me. I don't have interest in anything, I'm completely isolated, I feel like shit with every thought I think and everything I do and everything I am, everything aches, I'm always tired, I have to notify when I'm awake and when I'm sleeping or else she'll be at my door, I'm just drudging along on borrowed time until it gets here. I'm already dead the body just needs to go with it. I am so fucking sick of being alive. Make it end already. I'm so sick of being monitored like a fucking rat in a cage. I just want someone to break into my house and shoot me in the head. She yells at me and says I make her anxious and scared but she does the same thing to me. Have you ever been afraid to accidentally fall asleep because you'll miss your fucking "check-in" and someone will outside your bedroom door knocking and turning the knob and waking you up trying to get in and trying to talk to you when talking to people makes you shake and cry and want to throw up, and every time you're terrified it's going to be the police coming to break down your door and take you to the hospital against your will. Just leave me alone, I keep saying that, you're making it worse. Not once has she ever made me feel better about anything in my entire life, just fucking stop. The only ones I could talk to were my friends and I can't do that to them now, I can't use them like that to make me feel better temporarily when I know I'm still going to kill myself, that's why I stopped talking to them to begin with. All I have is posting on here and I hate posting on here because I feel so dumb and awkward and like everyone hates me and I'm not part of the group and like wtf does the even mean? I wish it would get here sooner. I can't take this. Please make it stop. Please. I just want it to end. Please let it get here soon.
