Venting She left me.

[TheCallOfTheStars]

I feel the same way about my ex. She still cared for me even after all the toxicity in our relationship that led both of us to become bitter. She left me not too long ago, but I miss her. I feel like I wouldn't have to be here if she were still around to alleviate my constant feelings of worthlessness.

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

I feel the same way about my ex. She still cared for me even after all the toxicity in our relationship that led both of us to become bitter. She left me not too long ago, but I miss her. I feel like I wouldn't have to be here if she were still around to alleviate my constant feelings of worthlessness.

I became so dependent on her affirmation and love. Without even noticing it. The voices that told me I wasn't enough, that I was a poison to the people around me, just faded away so slowly I never noticed. I never knew she was the reason and now all I can think about is how alone I feel, how much I deserve it, how much I hate being me.

I became so dependent on her affirmation and love. Without even noticing it. The voices that told me I wasn't enough, that I was a poison to the people around me, just faded away so slowly I never noticed. I never knew she was the reason and now all I can think about is how alone I feel, how much I deserve it, how much I hate being me.

And it doesn't help, in some ways it's worse then if we just left angry. She told me she still loved me, that she still cared and now I don't hear her, I don't see her, I don't have that love and care anymore. It's just me, and my hate for myself. While she does what!? Move on!? Be happy!? I'm so happy for her, but I hurt so much.

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

This is worse, this is worse than you being distant and treating me coldly. Nothing compares to this pain, we should have worked through it. We should have come out stronger on the other end. I'm dying and withering away slowly just hoping you're happier now. I'd sacrifice myself to you a million times over to make you happy, but I can't take this alone. I can't do that alone.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

I never knew she was the reason and now all I can think about is how alone I feel, how much I deserve it, how much I hate being me.

I understand how you feel. Having someone close to you leave is the worst feeling in the world. The blame and the self hatred that comes after, it's such a horrific feeling. Whatever drug courses through the human brain while in love, it has the most debilitating withdrawals imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

When you love someone, it's about loving the person, not the relationship. To love 'you' more than 'us'. You talked about wanting to get better for her. But if she wanted you to get better, I don't think it was for 'us', I think she wanted you to get better for you. Like how does phrase 'I'd sacrifice myself a million times to make you happy' even make sense in a world where the primary driver of love isn't a desire to make the other person happy, or more specifically, the belief that another person is fundamentally worthy of happiness. And that belief, it can go deeper then even the belief that you can make that person happy. That's why it's possible to leave someone you love, to leave someone who you think is deeply worthy of happiness, it's cause the choice to leave is more about your ability to make each other happy than it is about what your partner deserves.

So if she made you want to get better, if she made you want to have a future, then nothing has really changed. She thought you were worthy of happiness, and I bet you don't think she was unwise. If you're growing, if you're fighting, if you're worthy, then while it hurts to lose her, all the good parts of you that she loved are still right there. And I know her leaving sucks, but ultimately what we carry of people run deeper than just their presence in our lives, it's also in the lessons learned from them.

So I agree with you, this fucking sucks. A partner leaving your life is no small thing. They're a person you grow used to relying on, and having that crutch swept out from under you sucks. But the self loathing is something separate, and I think if there's anything you should cling to, it's the idea that if she thought you were worthy of her love for those 5 years, then you must be worthy of your own love right now.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

I understand how you feel. Having someone close to you leave is the worst feeling in the world. The blame and the self hatred that comes after, it's such a horrific feeling. Whatever drug courses through the human brain while in love, it has the most debilitating withdrawals imaginable. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

When you love someone, it's about loving the person, not the relationship. To love 'you' more than 'us'. You talked about wanting to get better for her. But if she wanted you to get better, I don't think it was for 'us', I think she wanted you to get better for you. Like how does phrase 'I'd sacrifice myself a million times to make you happy' even make sense in a world where the primary driver of love isn't a desire to make the other person happy, or more specifically, the belief that another person is fundamentally worthy of happiness. And that belief, it can go deeper then even the belief that you can make that person happy. That's why it's possible to leave someone you love, to leave someone who you think is deeply worthy of happiness, it's cause the choice to leave is more about your ability to make each other happy than it is about what your partner deserves.

So if she made you want to get better, if she made you want to have a future, then nothing has really changed. She thought you were worthy of happiness, and I bet you don't think she was unwise. If you're growing, if you're fighting, if you're worthy, then while it hurts to lose her, all the good parts of you that she loved are still right there. And I know her leaving sucks, but ultimately what we carry of people run deeper than just their presence in our lives, it's also in the lessons learned from them.

So I agree with you, this fucking sucks. A partner leaving your life is no small thing. They're a person you grow used to relying on, and having that crutch swept out from under you sucks. But the self loathing is something separate, and I think if there's anything you should cling to, it's the idea that if she thought you were worthy of her love for those 5 years, then you must be worthy of your own love right now.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you feel better soon.

It can't stop there you know? Someone made that comparison recently and it really made sense to me. Love being so relatable to the effect of withdrawal symptoms from an addictive substance just makes sense to me. It's visceral at times, that feeling of emptiness and needing something to fill it before you fall into it entirely.

She wanted to get better for ourselves but she also made it apparent when we spoke that I needed to get better for us as well, that I wasn't enough.

I don't think it makes sense, theres a lot about love that just doesn't make sense, you don't do or say the things you say when you're in love cause it sane, you do it cause you care more deeply then reasonably possible, you care to the extent that words fail to describe the reality you live in when all you have is deep compassion for another person, and how poisoned it becomes when it's over. The words don't exist. I can't speak for your experience or describe my own completely, but I know all I ever wanted was to see her happy despite how much I would need to give up for it.

She was never unwise, I always told her she was so smart. She would flip it on me though and say I was a genius, I could never agree with that. Of course, that also contributes to how difficult is to let go, you learn so much together and you have so much ingrained that doesn't just go away when it's over, and while fundamentally nothings changed. All the good that has been created suddenly feels toxic, it feels poisoned and pointless. I won't say it's the same for everyone though. It just doesn't help that I never cared about myself, not a single time did I like who I was. I don't think I ever will. I tolerated being me, for her. I don't want a future without her, I only wanna get better for the chance that it'll stop how I think, how I process, and feel. I'd myself for her time and time again. But I wouldn't do that for myself.

It is separate, I mentioned it before somewhere. I do deeply hurt because it's over but even before we were together I hated who I was, she just managed to make it all quiet, to tame the storm, to a point I forgot it was even there, and when she left it came back with a fury I wasn't expecting.

I think liking myself would be nice, but I tried that for 15 or so years. I haven't figured it out.

I appreciate you, I'm doing what I can. I am seeking help.

 

[lunar02102009]

My partner of five years left me, I don't know what to do anymore. She made me want more, she made me want a future with her. I had no intentions of living past 20 and she kept egging me on to grow old with her until I wanted that. But now shes gone, and I'm desperately trying to find anyone to just love me the way she did, but I can't. I can't just move on from everything we had. But it's over and we talked and shes done and I wasn't enough, I didn't do enough. I let her down and now I'm alone and I'm hurting and I just want to be held by someone who cares about me the way I did for her. I don't want to have to leave the home we made together, but she doesn't want me here anymore. I've been looking around and the SN method seems pretty straightforward. I'm not sure what else I would do, I don't have anything anymore. My sister is willing to take me in back in Chicago but I don't have a home anymore, I don't have a job anymore. I don't have a place to put my half of the life we built together or a way to move it all. I'm done man, I wanna give up. It would be so easy to just give up. I don't belong here, I don't fit correctly, I don't think normally, and I don't work like other people do. It's embarrassing, I didn't succeed. I failed and I'm drowning in it.

We are the same..i feel your pain no matter what i did for her..changed myself or hell even be myself she left me...and everyone always leaves us we dont ever leave anyone its always the other person . We have each other atleast...i pray that you find peace either after CTB or if your situation improves i will support you. I wish we werent choices or "not good enough" its sad...people treat us like choices and choose the better person leaving us behind to rot and suffer this world is too fucked for us "choices" to live in...we need to stop suffering being a choice ...it is like a gut wrenching feeling they say you arent "good enough" for them after you literally pour your heart out for them

 

[At The Bus Stop]

Hey, we're still around - I think that itself shows how strong we are, even if it means we're tired of the shit we've been dealt - we're still here.

From our last conversation, I've started writing a letter - it's my "suicide goodbye" letter, but it's also a reflection on our breakup and the relationship. The idea is I probably wont send it unless I CTB but, putting my emotions onto a bit of paper (or in this case a notepad on my computer), helps me visualise and understand what I am actually experiencing and going through.

As I mentioned previously, I'm down to just sit in a discord call and chat shit - even if it means we just sit there crying, at least we're understanding the emotions that are there and learning from it. It will reinforce any beliefs or understandings we may have or debunk them. Don't feel like it's selfish to want to talk to people, I want to talk to you - only you would be holding yourself back. Similar to what Lucy said, see it as people reaching out to you, instead of you reaching out to us.

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

We are the same..i feel your pain no matter what i did for her..changed myself or hell even be myself she left me...and everyone always leaves us we dont ever leave anyone its always the other person . We have each other atleast...i pray that you find peace either after CTB or if your situation improves i will support you. I wish we werent choices or "not good enough" its sad...people treat us like choices and choose the better person leaving us behind to rot and suffer this world is too fucked for us "choices" to live in...we need to stop suffering being a choice ...it is like a gut wrenching feeling they say you arent "good enough" for them after you literally pour your heart out for them

I don't think I have ever made the choice to leave anyone, I always put the pall in their court. I'm a ride or die, I want to work through any problems I see and give them room to figure it out. But when it comes back to me I feel like that support isn't returned, it's too much and I'm not worth enough to hold on to. I appreciate you, I appreciate your heart and care. I get were your coming from, and I know it's easier said then done, but I hope you're situation improves as well and I'll be around if I'm needed. I'd hate for CTB to be on the table, but we wouldn't be here if it wasn't, I just hope stops when it stops.

 

[lunar02102009]

I don't think I have ever made the choice to leave anyone, I always put the pall in their court. I'm a ride or die, I want to work through any problems I see and give them room to figure it out. But when it comes back to me I feel like that support isn't returned, it's too much and I'm not worth enough to hold on to. I appreciate you, I appreciate your heart and care. I get were your coming from, and I know it's easier said then done, but I hope you're situation improves as well and I'll be around if I'm needed. I'd hate for CTB to be on the table, but we wouldn't be here if it wasn't, I just hope stops when it stops.

well...lets see who will ever love the "unloveable" me i certainly wanna stick around to fight that but i have a feeling that no one will ever love , ever again , people in the world only want to play with us like toys use us and then yeah...throw us away i have been thrown away too many times i cant suffer this cruel existence anymore.. seeing all my friends get someone they love and their partner being someone who loves them too.....while your my heart is acting and i cry and smoke everyday because she left me to because i wasnt good enough no matter how much love i gave her , hell even if i took my own beating heart out of my chest for her....i am just a choice for her..i tried being the person she loved i tried being myself i tried everything to make her love...she just choose someone else anyway after i did anything and everything for her...i am done with love at this point i will love my cigarettes beacuse atleast they are there for me when i need someone. When someone needs me i am always there for them but for me....no one except cigarettes , thats that...


"A cigarette a day keeps the pain away"

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

Hey, we're still around - I think that itself shows how strong we are, even if it means we're tired of the shit we've been dealt - we're still here.

From our last conversation, I've started writing a letter - it's my "suicide goodbye" letter, but it's also a reflection on our breakup and the relationship. The idea is I probably wont send it unless I CTB but, putting my emotions onto a bit of paper (or in this case a notepad on my computer), helps me visualise and understand what I am actually experiencing and going through.

As I mentioned previously, I'm down to just sit in a discord call and chat shit - even if it means we just sit there crying, at least we're understanding the emotions that are there and learning from it. It will reinforce any beliefs or understandings we may have or debunk them. Don't feel like it's selfish to want to talk to people, I want to talk to you - only you would be holding yourself back. Similar to what Lucy said, see it as people reaching out to you, instead of you reaching out to us.

Absolutely, it has to mean something.

I think thats the bases if journaling or letter writing. It supposed to help and I think thats what I'm doing with my SS account, just a bit more public and self bastardizing. But it feels nice to have my thoughts on "paper" and the feed back has been nothing but good so far.

I hear that, and feel free to message me. Most people are good to message me if they want. I'll always try to respond and bounce off my own thoughts. I don't know if I'll be much help or if I can open up as well as I do via text over call but I'm willing to hang. I shift a lot from loosing my mind to being somewhat functionally manic. It's just also hard cause I don't have my own place yet, so I don't have much privacy to talk out loud.

well...lets see who will ever love the "unloveable" me i certainly wanna stick around to fight that but i have a feeling that no one will ever love , ever again , people in the world only want to play with us like toys use us and then yeah...throw us away i have been thrown away too many times i cant suffer this cruel existence anymore.. seeing all my friends get someone they love and their partner being someone who loves them too.....while your my heart is acting and i cry and smoke everyday because she left me to because i wasnt good enough no matter how much love i gave her , hell even if i took my own beating heart out of my chest for her....i am just a choice for her..i tried being the person she loved i tried being myself i tried everything to make her love...she just choose someone else anyway after i did anything and everything for her...i am done with love at this point i will love my cigarettes beacuse atleast they are there for me when i need someone. When someone needs me i am always there for them but for me....no one except cigarettes , thats that...


"A cigarette a day keeps the pain away"

It's bittersweet to see people you care about be happy and have what you want. But you can't seem to hold onto it no matter how hard you try. I get it, and it's hard. I know it's not the same but I'll be around to and reply when I can. Theres people that care even if they don't care the way you do. I think apart of it is trying to figure ourselves out, a lot of people here just feel "inhuman" we don't fit in and it doesn't make sense but we all care deeply even if we don't get the whole being "normal" thing. It sounds like you at least have some friends you can reach out to, if possible it might be good to confide in them. But I know it's not that easy. I'm sorry you're going through it like this, I know you tried your best. It didn't go unnoticed, even if it wasn't appreciated.

 

[At The Bus Stop]

I'm very similar when it comes to not wanting to hurt someone, I'd rather work through it with them - because I know that a love that is worked on and you both go through the motion of creating space for each other to grow and learn - it creates a whole different level of connection. Yes, some people just hit it off, but majority of people have to navigate conflict and differences to be as strong as they are. Not run away.

When someone needs me i am always there for them but for me....no one except cigarettes

This resonates with me, I feel like I'm always the one reaching out with my friends and family - and I just get so tired of it. If they cared, why wouldn't the message me first? I even brought it up to them like a week ago saying it's not fair, and I need help. Not heard from any of them since 24/10..

Sometimes I wonder if drastic actions need drastic responses so people know the severity of your pleads.. but I'm not the attention seeking person, I just go quiet and internalise things which becomes unhealthy in it's own medium

 

[Alex_Was_Here]

I'm very similar when it comes to not wanting to hurt someone, I'd rather work through it with them - because I know that a love that is worked on and you both go through the motion of creating space for each other to grow and learn - it creates a whole different level of connection. Yes, some people just hit it off, but majority of people have to navigate conflict and differences to be as strong as they are. Not run away.



This resonates with me, I feel like I'm always the one reaching out with my friends and family - and I just get so tired of it. If they cared, why wouldn't the message me first? I even brought it up to them like a week ago saying it's not fair, and I need help. Not heard from any of them since 24/10..

Sometimes I wonder if drastic actions need drastic responses so people know the severity of your pleads.. but I'm not the attention seeking person, I just go quiet and internalise things which becomes unhealthy in it's own medium

I'm sort of the opposite, it's hard for me to accept help from others. I shut down and isolate. I want to be there for them but I get overwhelmed when they try to help me and I feel bad cause I know my family cares, I just can't talk to them.

The keeping quiet and internalizing I can absolutely relate to though.