Shame...shame....shame...

[Water-Lily]

I am deeply ashamed of who I am. I spiraled pretty badly on everyone. Deleted and blocked many people, severing some ties permanently. Also deleted many numbers off my phone. Which I realized back fired as some numbers were important. I could attempt to get them back but that would involve talking to some "family" members so I'd rather keep my pride and deal with things alone

I also spiraled on social media and said and did many crazy things, posing a scare for some. I was so angry I, as usual, took it out on the wrong people. I am desiring to punish myself and is keeping distance. I do not want to hurt people anymore, and I have enough trauma on my plate as is. At 24, I have failed. I am technically a baby figuring out life thanks to so much abuse and trauma. No way to make it up. I am a failure, and I am sure there are many people older and younger who are far more mature. Not stuck in severe trauma unable to function in the world like me. I'm pathetic. I genuinely feel like garbage and I am a waste of space. Especially at work, I kept thinking "I suck. They could be training better people". I am not worth it. Literally take me away and replace me with someone who is prettier, smarter, more confident, and isn't abusive. I only exist to bring suffering.

 

[sadnessnsuicide]

I very much relate. I also self-isolate when I feel depressed or suicidal, and this recently caused a rather important friendship of mine to deteriorate and fall apart, then taking it with it two additional friendships.

That friend I lost accused me of "crying wolf" for having posted on my Snapchat story that I want to die and I can't continue living. I also got messages from people angry and frustrated saying they were worried about me. I feel so terrible for having made people feel bad, and at the same time I feel like I have to let people know the reality.

I want to take back the things I've said and try to communicate with the people I've ignored, but I know it's pointless because most of them forget about me as soon as I'm gone from their life.

 

[Water-Lily]

I very much relate. I also self-isolate when I feel depressed or suicidal, and this recently caused a rather important friendship of mine to deteriorate and fall apart, then taking it with it two additional friendships.

That friend I lost accused me of "crying wolf" for having posted on my Snapchat story that I want to die and I can't continue living. I also got messages from people angry and frustrated saying they were worried about me. I feel so terrible for having made people feel bad, and at the same time I feel like I have to let people know the reality.

I want to take back the things I've said and try to communicate with the people I've ignored, but I know it's pointless because most of them forget about me as soon as I'm gone from their life.

Imo that friend sounds very mean. I feel these moments can also help determine who is worthy to keep in our lives and not

In the end, it can feel lonesome. Most people want to be around for the good times, not the stressful ones. And we lose people along our journey who aren't able to understand us.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I can imagine that it must be unbearable dealing with so much self hatred. Our thoughts really can torture us. I wish you the best.