Tomino'sNightengale
Member
- Dec 30, 2021
- 75
My whole life has been one big clusterfuck. I feel like I should have never been born. I was adopted by a family at the age of one. My mother and father didn't love each other, and they didn't pretend to love each other. I don't remember ever doing things like going to movies or going out to eat together growing up. I never once saw my parents kiss. There wasn't a single family vacation. They thought that adopting a child would save their marriage. It didn't. I just had very little family growing up. Growing up, my mother was always angry. I almost never saw her not angry. I couldn't have friends over ever. There wasn't a single play date. When I was a young child, my mother was the only person I ever knew. My father worked almost all the time, and I didn't know him even growing up. He had very little personal life at all. At school, I was undiagnosed autistic and very small. I was bad at sports because my dad was too busy working to play catch with me even once. I was bullied incessantly. I didn't have any friends. I still have no friends and no one cares. My mother would threaten to send me back to the orphanage I came from if I wasn't timid and meek all the time. She wanted a weak, afraid little boy, and that's what she got. I was trained rather than brought up. Happiness has been a stranger to me for most of my life. My mother was part of a cult run by a Catholic priest who bamboozled the community out of a lot of money running a phony charity that was supposed to help addicted people, but didn't actually do anything. She would put on a cartoon, make me sit, and watch while she did the work of the cult. She didn't really teach me anything at all. She didn't care, and I don't think she ever wanted a child even. It was strict religious education. That's all. I never really left my yard growing up except to go to school. As soon as I graduated from high school, my parents got a divorce. I majored in Spanish in college. I wanted to be a college professor. I was one of 50 people selected out of hundreds of applicants to get free education at the University of Akron to learn to become a Spanish teacher. I couldn't handle the education part of it, and I failed out. I became an alcoholic and a sex addict. I've never been loved. Never really had a girlfriend. No one wants me. No one wants to be my friend. No one will listen. My life has been meaningless. I would eventually find my biological family thanks to a DNA test, and they're loving, wonderful people who have accepted me, but seeing their family depresses me because it reminds me of everything I missed out on growing up: a family. Love. Happiness. Vacations. Going out to eat. Married people who love each other. I found out I had grandparents living around the corner from me. They had to move away to Seattle because they had a hard time taking care of themselves. My biological family is really the only loving family I've ever had. I don't know how love or friendship feel. I guess it's me, and I should have never been born. I now know that my biological mother and father were never married and only had a little fling in the Air Force. What if I'd never been born? Would the world have been better off? I think so. To live is pain, and to die is to end that pain.
