I feel as though I've failed at everything, or more like im fated to fail. Being a semi-religious person honestly makes me feel even worse. When you believe in a system, and realise you're designed to be one of those people that lose at life miserably, fail, and go to hell, it makes me think, what's the point of going further? It's not that I want to keep living, it's my inability to kill myself. I've failed my younger self terribly. I had potential, but I ruined it all for myself. I suffer with PTSD and trauma, but it's not like knowing that has made my life any better. Great, I have a reason, but what then? Medication can only do so much, same with therapy.
Everyday, I'm constantly in fear. Despite believing in something, I'm afraid I'll be punished for relying on God, so I find myself never asking nor praying. But then I'm afraid I'll be punished for not relying on God. Either way, I try my best not to ask for anything because I've only had negative responses/incidents shortly after. Maybe it's all in my head, that's what I'm always told but I don't think so. Anyway, everyone I hate is living better lives than me. I don't know if they're secretly suffering inside their own heads but they have what I wanted and it makes me frustrated. They can be depressed or whatever but they still have the exam results I wanted, the college acceptance letters I wanted, the social circle I wanted, the therapy results I wanted and a face I wanted. Atleast they have something to work with, I don't have any of that. Everything I have that's positive came from no blessings, only guilt, so I can't even truly appreciate it.
Even as I write this, I'm deathly afraid of being punished by the universe for anything I've written. It's a constant state of reprimand. I've had this mindset since I were a child. I might be punished for speaking so enviously, for feeling envy and unappreciative or whatever. But I can't help it, it's like venom runs in my veins or something. I've only lived this far because of anger and hatred for something. I run off of it.
Anyway. I fear being born and written to be one f those people that go to hell or die a sad miserable life. But I'm afraid of heaven too, and I have qualms with God, and the world. And everything, but the most pathetic part is that I can't even kill myself.
I'm just sort of waiting for the next time I lose my mind. I'm trying to recover, but all they tell me is that only I can help or fix myself. It's brutally sad that I'm not capable of that at all. When I thought otherwise, nothing good came out of it. I live an uncomfortable life with nightmares both day and night, when I sleep and when I'm awake. I just keep reading and reading to distract myself. Even while reading, I fear I'll be punished for what I'm reading. It's just punishments, punishments, and more punishments. Like if I ever try and think of anything good, I'm afraid the world will snatch it away and stomp on it. When I told my therapist, she just sort of laughed at how ridiculous it seemed. I felt shy. She's otherwise, great. I mean, it is ridiculous.
This has been just a trail of thought written out, I do it everytime.
'Why do I even believe if all it does is torture me like this?' It's not that I want to...if I could just believe that after death is nothing, there is no cosmic karma that's always seeking out to beat my ass, I would probably have loads of stress off my shoulders. But it's just something my mind registers as the truth, you know, God, afterlife, being watched. I'm not happy about it. Maybe if I were happy about it, I'd be rewarded?? I'm not sure. To non believers, and there is probably a bunch on this forum, I probably sound insane. But it's what tortures me day in and day out. I want to kill myself and end this sufferinh just like many of you do. I think I'm just a little more pathetic about it. The ptsd, trauma, health problems, sure. But being in constant fear of being taunted by the universe must seem like a pathetic worry.
But it makes me think further. Did the world write my trauma in, knowingly, to ruin my life and let me be an example to all the people better than me? Is that what my life is for? If it is, I think I'll remain constantly angry and betrayed even while burning in hell. The world isn't fair, and nor is what's beyond it. If that truly is the case, then there isn't a fair system, ideology, or faith in my eyes. Doesn't that just mean some of us were fated to lose this game without being given a chance? A born to die kind of thing. Born to burn in hell, or something. It's miserable to think about.
There might be typos, I haven't reread it.
Everyday, I'm constantly in fear. Despite believing in something, I'm afraid I'll be punished for relying on God, so I find myself never asking nor praying. But then I'm afraid I'll be punished for not relying on God. Either way, I try my best not to ask for anything because I've only had negative responses/incidents shortly after. Maybe it's all in my head, that's what I'm always told but I don't think so. Anyway, everyone I hate is living better lives than me. I don't know if they're secretly suffering inside their own heads but they have what I wanted and it makes me frustrated. They can be depressed or whatever but they still have the exam results I wanted, the college acceptance letters I wanted, the social circle I wanted, the therapy results I wanted and a face I wanted. Atleast they have something to work with, I don't have any of that. Everything I have that's positive came from no blessings, only guilt, so I can't even truly appreciate it.
Even as I write this, I'm deathly afraid of being punished by the universe for anything I've written. It's a constant state of reprimand. I've had this mindset since I were a child. I might be punished for speaking so enviously, for feeling envy and unappreciative or whatever. But I can't help it, it's like venom runs in my veins or something. I've only lived this far because of anger and hatred for something. I run off of it.
Anyway. I fear being born and written to be one f those people that go to hell or die a sad miserable life. But I'm afraid of heaven too, and I have qualms with God, and the world. And everything, but the most pathetic part is that I can't even kill myself.
I'm just sort of waiting for the next time I lose my mind. I'm trying to recover, but all they tell me is that only I can help or fix myself. It's brutally sad that I'm not capable of that at all. When I thought otherwise, nothing good came out of it. I live an uncomfortable life with nightmares both day and night, when I sleep and when I'm awake. I just keep reading and reading to distract myself. Even while reading, I fear I'll be punished for what I'm reading. It's just punishments, punishments, and more punishments. Like if I ever try and think of anything good, I'm afraid the world will snatch it away and stomp on it. When I told my therapist, she just sort of laughed at how ridiculous it seemed. I felt shy. She's otherwise, great. I mean, it is ridiculous.
This has been just a trail of thought written out, I do it everytime.
'Why do I even believe if all it does is torture me like this?' It's not that I want to...if I could just believe that after death is nothing, there is no cosmic karma that's always seeking out to beat my ass, I would probably have loads of stress off my shoulders. But it's just something my mind registers as the truth, you know, God, afterlife, being watched. I'm not happy about it. Maybe if I were happy about it, I'd be rewarded?? I'm not sure. To non believers, and there is probably a bunch on this forum, I probably sound insane. But it's what tortures me day in and day out. I want to kill myself and end this sufferinh just like many of you do. I think I'm just a little more pathetic about it. The ptsd, trauma, health problems, sure. But being in constant fear of being taunted by the universe must seem like a pathetic worry.
But it makes me think further. Did the world write my trauma in, knowingly, to ruin my life and let me be an example to all the people better than me? Is that what my life is for? If it is, I think I'll remain constantly angry and betrayed even while burning in hell. The world isn't fair, and nor is what's beyond it. If that truly is the case, then there isn't a fair system, ideology, or faith in my eyes. Doesn't that just mean some of us were fated to lose this game without being given a chance? A born to die kind of thing. Born to burn in hell, or something. It's miserable to think about.
There might be typos, I haven't reread it.
