Venting ruminations on my ex

[thermosgrenadine]

i'm here because of her. "here" as in alive and also on this forum. she fucked me over when she broke up with me in september, we were together for 2 years. i still think of her every single fucking day and how she's never going to take me back. allegedly she still wants to be my friend. i haven't spoken to her in a month and a half maybe? after not talking to her for 2 months. i've been dealing with both passive and active ideation this entire time depending on what i wake up feeling about her

i still have her christmas present, i bought it with my first paycheck in nov. i'm thinking of mailing it to her later this month when me and my mom go to our hometown because i don't want to have it in my space anymore. its kind of funny to me that i'm so hurt by her but i'm still sentimental like that. i'm young. i have some vague idea of hope. i know that we're supposed to be nice to each other...not just me and her but humans in general. i wish people were more kind. anyways...

i had my first dream about her in a couple weeks last night. we were in a bedroom (not one i recognized from waking life) being intimate. i saw on her thighs that she had cut herself. i told her i was afraid she was doing that but that i was also glad, because that let me know she was also in pain. she said something along the lines of "of course i am, why wouldn't i be hurting?"

in waking life the longest period of consistent self-mutilation i had was when i was with her. i don't think it was her fault. i am (or was?) a very clingy person with severe attachment issues. i was dependent on her to manage my emotions and ground me. sometime after i broke up she told me she did it because i was a "burden" on her. a burden. a burden. you don't say that to someone you care about. you don't say that to anyone in general. why did she say that to me?

it's getting harder to think about the longer i spend typing this. but i have to go to work and be a person. i have to come home and wash the dishes. i have to deal with the bigger picture too, the general state of the world. i have to maintain my personal relationships. i have to be a good ally to those in need. i'm too virtuous of a person to let myself let other people down. it has to be a state of failure. the only two things i can do are succeed and fail. those are the only options for me, and i know it's wrong.

and in my heart i'm still doing all of this for her. i'm still alive because she's alive. i'm still alive because i want her to like me and be proud of me. and i know that's wrong too. i know i should be focusing on caring more about what /i/ think about /myself/ but in comparison to everyone else i feel completely worthless. talentless. hopeless. and i know that's wrong too.

but how am i supposed to change that? it just keeps getting reinforced that i am those things. i feel like i'm alive for no reason, that i was supposed to be someone or something else or that maybe i'm just a form of entertainment for some type of higher power. there are so many things fucking wrong with me. i could get into that here but i feel like i've already gone too off topic.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Hey man, I feel too. I won't sugarcoat this because I was in this exact nightmare twice over (at least with like 90% similarity) and it almost ended me. I was you: 2+ years deep, and she pulls the rug from under me, and suddenly every day she's on my mind. Her laugh, her smile. I also feel for the "I want to be friends" thing but I'm gonna be honest, that's usually a lie to make themselves feel better and it's not usually something that works out anyways. It can only work if neither of you have unresolved feelings for one another. The similarities don't end there either. The dependency where she was essentially my only emotional anchor, I was called something similar to a burden, even dreams about her, though mine are very different from yours. So I feel the hell you're in right now. It's a big reason I feel compelled to reply.

But here's the very hard truth I had to accept or I wouldn't be typing this: you need to drop her. Completely. If you want to mail the gift, I think that should be your last contact if you want to heal. Being friends just isn't feasible given the state you're in. That "I'm still doing all this for her" thing. It is akin to a rope around your neck. She called you a burden. Not in a fight, not in heat of the moment. She took your clingy attachment issues (which sound exactly like mine btw) and used them to justify bailing. The more I get her out of my life, the better I've felt. She's actually currently moving out of my apartment, and I couldn't be happier to know that her stuff is going to be gone soon. I'm feeling like I can function better now as a result.

You're young, you said it yourself. You're not talentless or hopeless, you're at a very tough time in your life. You're in a tunnel where I'm assuming a lot of stuff reminds you of her. I want to caution against the "only succeed or fail" mindset. That's the same black-and-white trap that kept me suicidal. Life's messy as fuck and you're allowed to just… exist for a while without it being entertainment for some higher power.

Block her everywhere if you haven't. When the dreams hit or the ideation creeps in, remind yourself: she chose to leave. Your choice to remain attached is only hurting you.

Anyways, I'm sorry this reply is so damn long. If you ever need to talk, feel free to start a private conversation with me. I wouldn't private message me because I barely check them, but a private conversation gives me a notification.

Anyways, all the best man. This too shall pass.

 

[thermosgrenadine]

@ThatStateOfMind thank you for the response. you seem very kind. i appreciate it.

i have a lot more i could say about my entire situation but all of your advice is right. i know all of it in the back of my head but the anxiety/attachment/discomfort is just so familiar and "easy" to me if that makes sense?

another truth is that she was not a good partner to me either. there's a lot to be said about what she did/didn't do. we also started dating when we were 16 and 17 so we weren't prepared for... well, everything. the two of us are completely different people now and i need to internalize that