Round and round the prickly pear (potential ramble)

[BitterlyAlive_]

I usually feel like shit. It can be really tough to make it through the day, but whatever. I don't have a choice, so I try. But lately it's been getting 'bad'. It's embarrassing, shameful, and leaves me with a sickening sense of guilt. I made a post on here a couple weeks ago, but have really been trying to keep it to myself. It's getting overwhelming and difficult to deal with, though.

There's been a lot going on. I guess I've been pretty stressed because of life circumstances. For a while, I've been waking up panicking early in the mornings yet again. I feel it's related to this life stress. I've been dissociating more to cope, which seems to have led to me cutting again, and I've been trying to deal with that habit again….haven't cut in a few days, but I'm still upset with myself because of the 'relapse'. I also had some flashbacks a little over a week ago that really fucked me up - they made me very suicidal for a few days, to the point where I strongly considered calling a friend to…talk about it. Finally, I've been going through all of my belongings lately, and I came across my SN a couple of days ago. My brain has now latched onto that. I've been vividly remembering the emotions and that raw desperation leading to me mixing it, the sounds and feel of mixing it (lol wtf), how it felt to start to drink it, the taste, holding it in my mouth and detaching and remembering my friends, realizing I couldn't die yet, the time I chose to swallow some instead of spitting it all out. And it just makes me want to try again, even now, when things are objectively better and I've made "progress", but I know that I can't die yet and I have to keep trying. Overall, the desire to kill myself has been getting so intense (yet again), and it's been difficult to distract myself.

I do want to point out that I'm not planning on trying suicide again in the foreseeable future. I'm trying to actually live a life before I die, and I'm trying to figure out better ways cope with things. I guess knowing how good I have it, how my life is going now…it just makes me feel like such a piece of shit for feeling this way and still wanting to kill myself. As I said above, I just feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty about all of this…

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but please don't feel guilty or ashamed- we don't choose the brains we have and you are not choosing to feel like this. In fact- you are fighting tooth and nail by the sounds of it to try and turn things around. Which is so difficult.

Are you receiving any help? Counselling or such? I know it doesn't always help but maybe it's worth a try?

I really hope things get better for you.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. It really can be so painful being alive as our thoughts can torture us. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when things just get worse. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but please don't feel guilty or ashamed- we don't choose the brains we have and you are not choosing to feel like this. In fact- you are fighting tooth and nail by the sounds of it to try and turn things around. Which is so difficult.

Are you receiving any help? Counselling or such? I know it doesn't always help but maybe it's worth a try?

I really hope things get better for you.

Well, honestly, I'm not doing a good job of fighting. There's the cutting, drinking too much lately, getting high to try and cope. It's all got to stop. I'm sure things will get better once I'm out of this environment. It'll take time, but… I can't see how things wouldn't get at least a bit better.

I'm also just 'helping myself' at this point. I tried a bunch of meds, I tried counseling. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of being able to do it. Just holding onto my anxiety meds for when shit gets too bad, I guess…

I'm just so tired of it all.

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. It really can be so painful being alive as our thoughts can torture us. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when things just get worse. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

Trying to live for now. Haven't ever really tried living before so it'll be interesting…we'll see what happens.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Well, honestly, I'm not doing a good job of fighting. There's the cutting, drinking too much lately, getting high to try and cope. It's all got to stop. I'm sure things will get better once I'm out of this environment. It'll take time, but… I can't see how things wouldn't get at least a bit better.

I'm also just 'helping myself' at this point. I tried a bunch of meds, I tried counseling. I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of being able to do it. Just holding onto my anxiety meds for when shit gets too bad, I guess…

I'm just so tired of it all.

Trying to live for now. Haven't ever really tried living before so it'll be interesting…we'll see what happens.