Ridiculous is what I am

[boydiablo]

Sometimes I feel like a complete buffoon. I mean I look at myself and think, wow, what a ridiculous person. I have what is almost certainly an overly high opinion of myself. Plenty of confidence, no social troubles -- I'd say I'm even decently attractive if I put aside my self-disgust for a minute. Yet, I have every intention of killing myself in the near future. I wake up disappointed. I don't like being alive. Not that I dislike it; I'm not miserable by any stretch. I just don't have any interest in continuing to live. The fact that I was born simply feels like a massive inconvenience since I now have to deal with rectifying that, which is admittedly somewhat of a hassle. When it comes down to it, that's how I see it: the whole living/dying thing is just a hassle. I keep thinking about ordering SN since I'm worried about it becoming restricted. But I haven't, because I know I'd probably wind up taking it soon. Why's that an issue? I really don't know. Probably because now just seems like an inconvenient time to do it. I'm not getting anything out of putting it off. I won't find a desire to live in those intervening years, because frankly I don't care to. I'm plainly not interested in the "getting better" thing. Maybe on some level I'm hoping that those spare years will bring me some kind of misery to make the whole thing more understandable. I feel absurd planning to die while by the standards of those around me I'm quite successful at living.

 

[puppet_nihilist]

The fact that I was born simply feels like a massive inconvenience

This resonated with me so deeply my bones almost shattered.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I think I can relate. Many people I know have it much worse than I do. Others say I have zero reason to want to die. And yet. Here I am, struggling with overcoming this stupid SI. I even started to see a psychotherapist. I don't even know why…..
There's nothing absurd in wanting to leave. We all have our reasons to ctb. Your reasons are as valid as the reasons of other people.

 

[FuneralCry]

I mean right now, I have enough reasons to want to die, but my whole life I have had just no interest in living. Even when there was a lack of problems in my life. I just see existence as a burden and I wish I was never born really. it isn't absurd, we all have our reasons.