Help Review my suicide plan. Anything to look out for?

[DoAnythingMore]

As this is my thread and I can do what I want with it, I will start with some ranting.

I'm pretty much done with this world. I've lost what I thought was the love of my life. She was my best and only friend, I ruined everything by telling her how I've dreamt about suicide but to be honest I feel like the outbreak was from my antidepressants (which kind of don't help honestly) but I can't get her back anymore, she doesn't trust me or want to stick around and find out if I end up CTB (which now I certainly will). We had been together for 6+ years. I've grown very close and attached to her and being truly alone right now feels horrible. I miss our cuddles, kisses and hugs, I miss talking with her about her job and games she plays. I miss her so much. I know that these feelings will pass but that's not the only reason why I want to CTB (but it has turned into one of the big reasons for me to CTB). (EDIT: And she deserves so much better than me. She's genuinely the most noble and kind soul I've ever met and I wish her all the best. Maybe someone can talk me out of doing this)
For years I've had this massive amount of hatred towards this world and society in general. I hate how my country is being ruined. I hate how unfair and cruel this world is. There is no balance or justice. I despise money and how unfairly it's spread around.
Why the fuck is someone allowed to be born into a wealthy family with generational wealth and be literally free from any kind of work for the rest of their lives and they get to experience all the good things in life and travel freely anywhere at any time and not have to work a day in their life? All while there are genuinely kind and noble people working their asses off, getting burnt out from a job they hate but have to do to survive, never getting a break or the attention and love they truly deserve. I fucking hate it. I hate all of it. I do not want to continue. I do not want to see myself in 20+ years in the same place as I am currently or in a worse situation. I do not want to stay constantly jealous of everyone who has it better than me or has managed to succeed in life. All of this eats me from the inside. I genuinely want (success in life, which I know I don't have the effort, motivation, energy, will-power or luck to achieve or get what I want) my life to end.

Thanks for coming to my TED-talk. Then to my plan:

I've been thinking about partial hanging as my method for a while. I've thought about SN but I'm pretty sure I would somehow end up panicking right after taking it and aborting the process, only to end up in the same situation as I'm currently in. I've also thought about CO2 or exit bags, but I don't have access to 400L of Nitrogen (or other inert gasses) and carrying a tank that big seems very difficult alone.

And this is where I need verification/review that I haven't missed anything crucial.

I have an anchor point (my couch) which I will add +60kg of weights to so it doesn't move at all. The overall weight of the couch will be way more than what I weigh.
I will then wrap the rope to my couch and above this "compartment" which holds outerwear (idk what to call it) and is built pretty solid. I will also add some nails to act as guards to not let the rope go to a point without support (see pics). Then I will be on the other side, hanging.

There are the "stats" of the rope I was thinking of buying. I've done some research on this forum for what kind of a rope would suffice and I think this would but I'd love to have someone confirm this.

11mm diameter climbing rope. Tensile strength of 39 kN. Stretch 2,8%. Length 25m. Seems good, right? It's about 100€ so I want to verify this first before I go spending the money.​

I've attached the pictures that visualize where my rope will go and where I will hang. Sorry for the bad drawings but I hope it's enough to give you the idea. Nails that I've mentioned are in gray and added at the top of this "compartment" or whatever this is called. In the picture with the nails you can see that there is a wall that goes to the floor. I believe this will be good enough to support my weight as I've already tested it with my weight by hanging from it with my arm. I just need to make sure the rope doesn't slip to the boards next to it, as I don't think those will support my weight.



I was thinking about CTB on my birthday as that's later this week. Saves my family from having to worry about 2 dates in a year of grieving (b-day and death-day). I fear that even if I was to order the rope straight away it wouldn't arrive in time, so I'll probably end up doing this at a later date from my birthday. Not ideal but it'll have to do.


Thank you so much for reading and your help <3

 

[RoseGirl]

I love the illustrations >~<
plan looks good and well thought out.

 

[metfan647]

Are you able to calculate what sort of load would end up on the wardrobe/"compartment"?

Any old manual kicking about with maximum load advised? I guess this wouldn't be entirely applicable due to placement being right between the two sections (if I'm making sense)

I have no concerns with the sofa and general concept. Provided you get the right sort of knots, my only concern would be how robust the wooden unit is. I'd fear it could cave in. You'd be able to judge that well.

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Thank you both for your replies. It genuinely means a lot to me. <3

Are you able to calculate what sort of load would end up on the wardrobe/"compartment"?

Any old manual kicking about with maximum load advised? I guess this wouldn't be entirely applicable due to placement being right between the two sections (if I'm making sense)

I assume the load would be my weight? I think the load would be spread across the "edges" of the compartment, with most of the load being on the same side as I'll be hanging from.

Unfortunately I don't have any manuals or sheets regarding this compartment as this is a rented (semi-old) apartment. One thing I'm worried about is be starting to shake and kick when unconscious and somehow breaking the wall but I highly doubt that would happen. If anything would break I guess it would be the nails but I'll make sure to add a lot of them.

 

[metfan647]

Sorry I edited just before your reply.

It'd be good to see what's really holding the top of the unit to the sides. If it's those little wooden dowels, I might be a bit apprensive. But then again you're doing it on the 'edges' not straight down the middle.

I don't want to sh*t on your parade with overly-cautious nonsense just might be something to think about.

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Sorry I edited just before your reply.

It'd be good to see what's really holding the top of the unit to the sides. If it's those little wooden dowels, I might be a bit apprensive. But then again you're doing it on the 'edges' not straight down the middle.

I don't want to sh*t on your parade with overly-cautious nonsense just might be something to think about.

No worries! Don't worry about it at all. You're not sh*tting on anything I'm doing, you're providing valid concerns and good points.

By top of the unit do you mean the wall where I'll be placing the nails and rope? If you're talking about the exterior of the entire compartment, they have ~10cm of wooden walls surrounding this entire compartment. If this isn't what you meant, let me know! I'd be happy to provide more pictures to make sure everything goes right.

 

[discman19999]

Hey I just wanted to say I fully understand you. My wife of 18 years left me 4 weeks ago, I have 2 kids with her and I actually spent more conscious time with her than without her. It hurts in unimaginable ways just like yours.

Good luck with everything, I also will ctb soonish

 

[metfan647]

No worries! Don't worry about it at all. You're not sh*tting on anything I'm doing, you're providing valid concerns and good points.

By top of the unit do you mean the wall where I'll be placing the nails and rope? If you're talking about the exterior of the entire compartment, they have ~10cm of wooden walls surrounding this entire compartment. If this isn't what you meant, let me know! I'd be happy to provide more pictures to make sure everything goes right.

I was referring to the very top of the unit where the rope runs along at its highest point (parallel to the floor).

I was sort of thinking about how the yellow part marked attaches to the blue part. I believe it's often with wooden dowels? I was just concerned that these could give in. But as you're securing the rope to the middle of the '2 units' with screws holding the rope in place I suppose my fears hold no weight (no pun intended).

Based on the thought you've put in, I'm sure you're onto something very good.

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Hey I just wanted to say I fully understand you. My wife of 18 years left me 4 weeks ago, I have 2 kids with her and I actually spent more conscious time with her than without her. It hurts in unimaginable ways just like yours.

Good luck with everything, I also will ctb soonish

We share the same pain. I'm very sorry that you're going through that. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.

Do you think there's a chance you could get the power and will to live from your kids? I don't have any myself, but I can imagine it won't be easy for them if you suddenly CTB. If not, I completely understand. It is your choice to do whatever you want and if you decide to CTB, I wish it goes cleanly, smoothly and painlessly. I'm not in the situation to say this or give you advice but I'd assume your kids would have an easier time understanding your decision if you tell everything in a letter or something.

Perhaps there's more to life than her? Do you have any hobbies or friends to talk with? Do you have any places you've wanted to visit? I've always wanted to go to Japan but I'm not sure if I can afford it. Do you think there's still a chance for you to move on and find something greater? My parents divorced when I was young and they were together for ~20 years (can't remember exactly but they were together for a long time, just like you two were) and currently they're both living happily. They've found true love again and both are in happy relationships, but of course it took a good while for them to find their new loves.

I truly wish that you haven't lost all hope. I wish I could DM on this site but I don't think it's possible in here?
You've already accomplished one of life's greatest things, making a family. I don't know you but I believe you will be able to achieve great, and even greater, things again.

Good luck brother. I wish you all the best and I wish you find something in life worth living for. It may take a while but at some point you will realize it was all worth it <3

I was referring to the very top of the unit where the rope runs along at its highest point (parallel to the floor).

I was sort of thinking about how the yellow part marked attaches to the blue part. I believe it's often with wooden dowels? I was just concerned that these could give in. But as you're securing the rope to the middle of the '2 units' with screws holding the rope in place I suppose my fears hold no weight (no pun intended).

Based on the thought you've put in, I'm sure you're onto something very good.

Ah now I get what you mean! Yeah I think they're held together with those classic wooden dowels as I can't find any nails or screws. The board flexes a little bit (the one you marked in yellow) but I don't think the vertical wall will give in as there's other "cabinets" and boards holding the vertical wall in place that go wall-to-wall.

Very good point and observation! Thank you <3

 

[discman19999]

We share the same pain. I'm very sorry that you're going through that. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.

Do you think there's a chance you could get the power and will to live from your kids? I don't have any myself, but I can imagine it won't be easy for them if you suddenly CTB. If not, I completely understand. It is your choice to do whatever you want and if you decide to CTB, I wish it goes cleanly, smoothly and painlessly. I'm not in the situation to say this or give you advice but I'd assume your kids would have an easier time understanding your decision if you tell everything in a letter or something.

Perhaps there's more to life than her? Do you have any hobbies or friends to talk with? Do you have any places you've wanted to visit? I've always wanted to go to Japan but I'm not sure if I can afford it. Do you think there's still a chance for you to move on and find something greater? My parents divorced when I was young and they were together for ~20 years (can't remember exactly but they were together for a long time, just like you two were) and currently they're both living happily. They've found true love again and both are in happy relationships, but of course it took a good while for them to find their new loves.

I truly wish that you haven't lost all hope. I wish I could DM on this site but I don't think it's possible in here?
You've already accomplished one of life's greatest things, making a family. I don't know you but I believe you will be able to achieve great, and even greater, things again.

Good luck brother. I wish you all the best and I wish you find something in life worth living for. It may take a while but at some point you will realize it was all worth it <3




Ah now I get what you mean! Yeah I think they're held together with those classic wooden dowels as I can't find any nails or screws. The board flexes a little bit (the one you marked in yellow) but I don't think the vertical wall will give in as there's other "cabinets" and boards holding the vertical wall in place that go wall-to-wall.

Very good point and observation! Thank you <3

I know what you are saying. I am trying to push through but I also have my fuel helium setup already here. I am hesitating. But the future that now comes is not mine. To find a new love is neither a sure thing nor is it easy. When my ex wife got to know me I had hair and the youth of a surfer boy. Now I am a bald short man. It's not that there is so much opportunity for me. I fear I will live alone while she Is thriving because she is actually looking better than ever.

To have the setup ready is calming me a bit. Still the hurt the pain is unbearable

 

[DoAnythingMore]

I know what you are saying. I am trying to push through but I also have my fuel helium setup already here. I am hesitating. But the future that now comes is not mine. To find a new love is neither a sure thing nor is it easy. When my ex wife got to know me I had hair and the youth of a surfer boy. Now I am a bald short man. It's not that there is so much opportunity for me. I fear I will live alone while she Is thriving because she is actually looking better than ever.

To have the setup ready is calming me a bit. Still the hurt the pain is unbearable

I'm very sorry you're going through that. I hope whatever you decide gives you peace and satisfaction. <3

I bet there are women out there who would love your looks and would love you for who you are. The problem is that finding them isn't as easy and like you said, it takes a lot of work. But I believe you'll be able to find someone, or you'll find solace in being single.

I'm also hesitating a lot. But then I remember all the shit that has happened to me, how much shit I'll inevitably get in the future and that I have no passion, motivation, energy or the will-power to make a future for myself. Other people have it so much better than me and I can't stand it. Thinking of CTB makes me instantly at peace, I think it's my destiny.

I think I'm going to place an order for the rope today. Luckily there's an express option so I could order it today and get it as early as tomorrow.

 

[discman19999]

You are right there is a possibility but I also feel more at peace with ctb thoughts. Existing in this world right now feels wrong. I cannot describe it, but it feels as if I am in a simulation or movie. It doesn't feel real anymore. I think going out is my fate now

 

[DoAnythingMore]

You are right there is a possibility but I also feel more at peace with ctb thoughts. Existing in this world right now feels wrong. I cannot describe it, but it feels as if I am in a simulation or movie. It doesn't feel real anymore. I think going out is my fate now

I feel the same thing. There's no way this world isn't "crafted" to some extent. Maybe I'm just schizo but just like you said, this all feels like a simulation, a game, a movie or something different from what we've been taught.

If there's an afterlife (I don't know if you believe in it, I kind of do) I hope we can meet there.

Good luck to you. I wish you all the best <3

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Update: Just ordered the rope. It should arrive tomorrow.

I will meet her either tomorrow or on sunday. If there's no hope in getting her back I will have to CTB. She is the only light in my dark life.

She is so sweet, genuine and kind. I miss her so much. It's only after you lose someone that you realize how much you love them. I wish I could take back all the bad things I've said. I wish I could start over with her. I admit that I haven't been the best bf for her, neither has she been the best gf for me but we've grown so much together that I just can't let it all go. Love is so fucked up. I wish I never fell in love.

I will have to practice making some knots once I get the rope. I already know the classic slipknot but I've read on here that it's not the best knot to use. I think the knots shouldn't be too hard to learn.

If anyone cares, I'll keep this thread updated.

 

[SnowFlakey]

My boyfriend just broke up with me after 6 years so I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. It ended so unexpectedly over me just having a stupid outburst at him and he just told me he can't take it anymore and deal with my issues. I get it. Hahaah even I can't deal with my issues because here I am lol so how could I ever expect him or someone else to carry my load of shit.

Anyways, my planned method is also partial hanging and I have been successful in it once before, but he found me right after losing consciousness, before lack of oxygen dealt any brain damage so only a couple minutes into it.

I used the heated pipe/rail for towels in my bathroom but I can't use it anymore because I don't want him to find me like that again.

Based on my experience your setup looks decent. If the structural build of the wardrobe can carry your weight, you should be fine. Last time I used a pair of socks as padding on my neck and it made it feel like warm hug and lights went out in like 10 seconds I think. Place the rope as high on your neck as you can. Seen many people say partial hanging is a bad method because you might stand up or sth but idk it happened soooo fast for me I didn't even have time to think about anything.

 

[WPack]

Reading this post was honestly heartbreaking, it was definitely shitty of her to just leave someone like you who was clearly struggling especially after all you two went through. Whatever the case may be i hope your CTB is peaceful.

 

[hell toupee]

I'm sorry to hear this.

I also lost my wife, best friend, soul mate, whatever you want to call it - after 24 years of marriage. We were literally attached at the hip and spent so much time together just because we enjoyed each other's company so much.
This was a person who would every single day write a little note and put it in my lunch "we are going to be that old couple sitting on a bench still holding hands" - things like that. Every day, even after 24 years.

Then I woke up one morning and she was hanging in the back bedroom. No note, no warning, we never argued, she never acted depressed, etc. She had been on anti depressants for years but I thought it was under control.

Worse still, a few months before that I was placed in a wheelchair permanently and lost 90% of the use of my fingers. I was relying on her to drive me to my office, help me get down the steps, etc. I lost my business, my income, my only friend in the world, I can't drive, etc.

So I know exactly how you feel. You aren't alone.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

This is a very impactful story @hell toupee

I wish i had some words to express, but I have none.

All i can say is my thoughts go towards you

 

[hell toupee]

This is a very impactful story @hell toupee

I wish i had some words to express, but I have none.

All i can say is my thoughts go towards you

Thank you. It's been rough, but I forced myself to change my perspective. It was either that or wallow in misery.

 

[DoAnythingMore]

My boyfriend just broke up with me after 6 years so I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. It ended so unexpectedly over me just having a stupid outburst at him and he just told me he can't take it anymore and deal with my issues. I get it. Hahaah even I can't deal with my issues because here I am lol so how could I ever expect him or someone else to carry my load of shit.

Anyways, my planned method is also partial hanging and I have been successful in it once before, but he found me right after losing consciousness, before lack of oxygen dealt any brain damage so only a couple minutes into it.

I used the heated pipe/rail for towels in my bathroom but I can't use it anymore because I don't want him to find me like that again.

Based on my experience your setup looks decent. If the structural build of the wardrobe can carry your weight, you should be fine. Last time I used a pair of socks as padding on my neck and it made it feel like warm hug and lights went out in like 10 seconds I think. Place the rope as high on your neck as you can. Seen many people say partial hanging is a bad method because you might stand up or sth but idk it happened soooo fast for me I didn't even have time to think about anything.

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been going through.

It feels like we have a lot in common in regards to all of this, which surprised me. I know the world is big and there's a fuckton of people but I never really realized what other people are and can be going through and how similiar some situations can be. I've always kept to myself, so reading the posts on this site has definitely been eye-opening, and depressing to some extent.

I'm sorry to hear that your attempt was only almost successful. I can imagine the feeling of being pulled back into this world when you were on your way out must've been awful.

The pair of socks as padding idea seems good. Did you cover the entire rope touching your neck with socks or was it just the sides or the front or back? A warm hug definitely sounds nice right now...

If I may ask, how long ago was your breakup? How have you coped with it afterwards? (Don't worry if you don't want to answer, I completely understand!)

Thank you for your reply and everything <3

Reading this post was honestly heartbreaking, it was definitely shitty of her to just leave someone like you who was clearly struggling especially after all you two went through. Whatever the case may be i hope your CTB is peaceful.

Thank you for your reply and compassion. It means a lot to me, probably more than you can imagine <3

I'm sorry to hear this.

I also lost my wife, best friend, soul mate, whatever you want to call it - after 24 years of marriage. We were literally attached at the hip and spent so much time together just because we enjoyed each other's company so much.
This was a person who would every single day write a little note and put it in my lunch "we are going to be that old couple sitting on a bench still holding hands" - things like that. Every day, even after 24 years.

Then I woke up one morning and she was hanging in the back bedroom. No note, no warning, we never argued, she never acted depressed, etc. She had been on anti depressants for years but I thought it was under control.

Worse still, a few months before that I was placed in a wheelchair permanently and lost 90% of the use of my fingers. I was relying on her to drive me to my office, help me get down the steps, etc. I lost my business, my income, my only friend in the world, I can't drive, etc.

So I know exactly how you feel. You aren't alone.

Wow... I'm speechless. That's genuinely heartbreaking. I'm very, very sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can't imagine the feelings you've been going through.

Sounds like she was amazing, I can imagine you loved her with all of your heart. This kind of loss is something I would never wish upon anyone. And I'm very sorry to hear that you've lost a lot after being placed in a wheelchair. I truly hope her soul is in a place where she can rest in peace.

I don't know what to say. Hearing your story has shocked me a bit. I wish I could give you all of my energy and body so you wouldn't have to be in a wheelchair and could continue living like you've used to. I wish I could go back in time and save your wife...

You said that you've forcefully changed your perspective. May I ask how? I've been trying the same but I can't help but feel like there's a big part of me missing and with all the emotions I have towards this world it's very hard to not have constant negative thoughts. So far making (shitty amateur) music and random YouTube videos have been my escape but even then it's very hard to focus on them without getting dreams of CTB and just quitting.

I wish you all the best. You're very strong. I have a feeling you'll be able to get through this and experience amazing, wonderful things in life again. I know it's not much, but if you feel like you ever want to vent to a stranger online (me) don't hesitate to DM me (this applies for everyone replied or reading this thread btw).

Good luck to you, may the world have mercy on us all. <3

 

[SnowFlakey]

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been going through.

It feels like we have a lot in common in regards to all of this, which surprised me. I know the world is big and there's a fuckton of people but I never really realized what other people are and can be going through and how similiar some situations can be. I've always kept to myself, so reading the posts on this site has definitely been eye-opening, and depressing to some extent.

I'm sorry to hear that your attempt was only almost successful. I can imagine the feeling of being pulled back into this world when you were on your way out must've been awful.

The pair of socks as padding idea seems good. Did you cover the entire rope touching your neck with socks or was it just the sides or the front or back? A warm hug definitely sounds nice right now...

If I may ask, how long ago was your breakup? How have you coped with it afterwards? (Don't worry if you don't want to answer, I completely understand!)

Thank you for your reply and everything <3

Thank you for your reply and compassion. It means a lot to me, probably more than you can imagine <3

Wow... I'm speechless. That's genuinely heartbreaking. I'm very, very sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can't imagine the feelings you've been going through.

Sounds like she was amazing, I can imagine you loved her with all of your heart. This kind of loss is something I would never wish upon anyone. And I'm very sorry to hear that you've lost a lot after being placed in a wheelchair. I truly hope her soul is in a place where she can rest in peace.

I don't know what to say. Hearing your story has shocked me a bit. I wish I could give you all of my energy and body so you wouldn't have to be in a wheelchair and could continue living like you've used to. I wish I could go back in time and save your wife...

You said that you've forcefully changed your perspective. May I ask how? I've been trying the same but I can't help but feel like there's a big part of me missing and with all the emotions I have towards this world it's very hard to not have constant negative thoughts. So far making (shitty amateur) music and random YouTube videos have been my escape but even then it's very hard to focus on them without getting dreams of CTB and just quitting.

I wish you all the best. You're very strong. I have a feeling you'll be able to get through this and experience amazing, wonderful things in life again. I know it's not much, but if you feel like you ever want to vent to a stranger online (me) don't hesitate to DM me (this applies for everyone replied or reading this thread btw).

Good luck to you, may the world have mercy on us all. <3

I placed the socks only on the sides on top of arteries. It also gave a bit of cushioning so I felt zero pressure on my windpipe which is why it was so easy, also more pressure on the right spot - arteries.

We broke up a week ago or so but my first attempt was like 2 years ago already. But now after losing everything I did have that made me stay I am just gonna do it again. Not really coping, just numb and empty, we are no contact as well, I sleep in one room and he in another and I am currently looking for a new apartment because I don't want him to find me like that again so gonna do it once I have my own place

 

[DoAnythingMore]

I placed the socks only on the sides on top of arteries. It also gave a bit of cushioning so I felt zero pressure on my windpipe which is why it was so easy, also more pressure on the right spot - arteries.

We broke up a week ago or so but my first attempt was like 2 years ago already. But now after losing everything I did have that made me stay I am just gonna do it again. Not really coping, just numb and empty, we are no contact as well, I sleep in one room and he in another and I am currently looking for a new apartment because I don't want him to find me like that again so gonna do it once I have my own place

Thanks for the tips! I'll have to try this out when I receive my rope.

You saying that there's a way to do partial hanging without feeling pressure on the windpipe and it being not as painful as I thought is reassuring. I was afraid it would hurt a lot but perhaps not if it's done "correctly".

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I feel the same things and I wish I could help you get better somehow. I hope whatever you choose to do, CTB or not, that you find the peace that you deserve. <3

Good luck to you! Thanks for the responses <3

 

[deathisneeded]

I don't know what kind of rope to buy, how long it should be. Please can someone help me?

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Update: Got my rope today. It's perfect. I have no doubt it'll be what I need to CTB.

I wrapped the rope around my neck and squeezed it tight with my hands (kind of pulling on each end of the rope on each side) to kind of test how much it would hurt and practice a little bit.
It didn't hurt as much as I was expecting. It will probably hurt way more when I eventually put most of my body weight to hang from the rope but I was pleasantly surprised. I think I will add a lot of padding to my throat so maybe it wouldn't cut off my windpipe.

I did the "test"/"practice" 2 times.

First time I wasn't able to breathe but that was surprisingly fine. I could feel my head starting to tingle a lot and getting this weird feeling in my head, like It's going to burst and explode? It's very hard to explain. During it I also felt lightheaded and slightly "not aware" somehow, this is also hard to explain. The tingling started to go to my upper body. Oddly enough it felt great. After a few seconds (I have no idea how long I did it for, maybe between 5-10 seconds?) my body "forced" me to take a breath as I wasn't able to breathe. When I loosened the rope I instantly took a big breath and felt a slight rush of adrenaline and a strong feeling of this weird "calmness". I became happy, like this is what I was meant to do all along. Like this is my destiny. I want to do this. I want to CTB.

Second time I was able to take slight breaths. This was honestly even more amazing. Once again I felt the strong tingling starting from my head and the same feelings as before. I think I was also holding it for a little longer than previously, as all the feelings I felt were stronger. The tingling, head bursting feeling, loss of "senses" and not being aware etc. Being able to take a few breaths was very nice, it was like I was just waiting for the tingling and all of those other things while not having the feeling of suffocation, this is definitely the way I want to go.

Overall I'm very happy with my purchase. Today was another shitty day and this was my therapy.

I also just heard that she (my ex who left me) literally went on a date today with another male and fucked them. My heart broke even more than I thought it could. She was never the typical "slut" type. I feel betrayed. I know she's not mine anymore but it doesn't feel nice knowing she's out there fucking and blowing other men like it's nothing. I don't think she even wants to be friends anymore. Oh well, just more reasons for me to CTB. I think I'm going to blame her for everything in my suicide letter for her, just to make her feel the same way I did, for the rest of her life. Of course it's not all her fault, but honestly I wouldn't CTB if she was still with me. She was my only light in this world of darkness.

Speaking of letters, I have a few I want to write but GODDAMN is it hard to find the motivation to write them. I might end up spontaneously CTB before I write the letters. Eh, I kind of don't care at this point. I do want to give my condolences and apologies to my parents and sisters while assuring them that this is what I really want and have wanted for a few years now. That it's better this way. I know they'll be sad but at this point, I don't fucking care. I want out.

I will start practicing my knots a bit later. Now I'm just happy that I'm committed. Not like I wasn't before, but now I have all the tools I need. Just need to grow the balls to do it which from reading other people's posts could be a lot harder than I've anticipated it to be. It'll happen anyway.

I don't know what kind of rope to buy, how long it should be. Please can someone help me?

Try looking for climbing ropes. Something with a diameter of more than 10mm. The length depends on what you plan to use as your anchor but I'd say buy a very long rope so you have more options. There's a partial hanging (or just hanging) megathread with a lot more information, try looking for that.

 

[DoAnythingMore]

Here's a more in-depth explanation of why I'll CTB.

TW: Rape.

I've always been discriminated. Not in the usual way of discrimination that nobody would do anything with me due to whatever, but in the way of being a small part of a friend group and extremely rarely getting invites to LAN parties and other activites and eventually getting closed out or kicked out of the group completely. This has literally happened to me in all stages of my life. It happened in grades 1-3, happened again with another friend group in grades 4-6, again in trade school (this time it was done very "shittily" to me). Again in a friend group that I managed to be a part of after trade school, this lasted a few years which was very nice but of course it had the same ending as previous friendhips. Again in my online friend group of many years, we even made mods for games that we sold online. There were 2 guys who started it before I was involved but over time they warmly welcomed me to it all. One day one of the guys I was better friends with told me that he can't hold back the other guy (I wasn't really friends with him but we got along and I thought we had 0 beef between us) and that they'd kick me out. I never got a proper explanation even when I asked years later. Now those guys make (almost) millions every year doing what they love, it hurts so much to think that I was once a part of that and I could've still been a part of that but I genuinely don't know why I was kicked out. My best friend and kind of a role model to me was the guy I was good friends with. I miss him.

After moving to the capital area I've had a few very traumatizing (for me) encounters with immigrants. I have HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality) or at least that's what my psychiatrist has suggested and could be why these encounters have been so traumatizing to me. I've been robbed twice, once I saw the guys who robbed me when I got robbed the second time (different people who have robbed me, I didn't get robbed by the same guys twice) at a mall and they all just started mocking me, this all felt so fucking awful.
One day I made small eye-contact with some random guy and he started laughing out loud in an "angry" kind of way, staring at me, trying to get my attention (to probably fight him?). This was very weird but I brushed it off as just him being weird. Then a few months later he comes suddenly like literally 2cm from my face, asking me what the fuck is my problem etc. Just being fucking scary. He called me a fucking whitey and threathened to stab me if I was to run into him again. I genuinely don't know what I've done wrong to this guy, I've never met him before. All of these people are immigrants from the south / south-east. Afghanis, blacks, other races that clearly aren't of Finnish origin. I was never racist (and I don't think I am, even with what has happened) but this started to shift my perspective on immigrants, now I kind of hate them. Not all immigrants though, just the wannabe-gangster, stab-you-if-you-look-at-them-wrong, hanging at malls all day every day, hypebeast clothes wearing, robbing, childish pieces of shit kinds of immigrants and there are so many of them in the capital area. I genuinely haven't felt safe outside in years. This is definitely one of the reasons why I've become so depressed and one of the big reasons I want to, and will, CTB. There are other bad encounters as well, but I'm not going to bother writing them here as this text is already getting very long.

As for me and my ex we were together for ~6.5 years. We lived together for the last 4-5 years. About 4 months ago she wanted to break up with me for the first time. She reasoned it with that she was growing up as a person and didn't feel the "spark" anymore, and that she just didn't love me the same way she used to. I know it's due to me not having a job for like 3 years now and having a bad mental health lately. She broke up with me and left. This was very heartbreaking but it was manageable.
We made an agreement that this was time for her to think what she really wanted and we came to the agreement that neither of us (her specifically) weren't allowed to go on dates or have sex with anyone during 7 day period.
Then literally the next day she went on Tinder and matched with an immigrant who was 5+ years older than her and spoke no Finnish. She told me she just wanted to talk to someone to get me out of her head. She went over to his apartment even though they first planned to just go for coffee and chat. She never brought up the idea to go to his apartment, or at least that's what she told me. Apparently he casually invited her to his car and they drove up to his apartment. She ended up getting raped by him.

Next day we had a call and she told me that she misses me a lot and wants to get back with me. I was so happy and relieved. Then she told me what happened to her and my heart broke a pretty good amount. She even told me she knew that we had made this agreement of no dating or sex.

She told me everything in detail because I insisted. It was horrible, but completely preventable. She even told me that she thought she could stop him if that's what was going to happen, that she already had warning lights and red flags going on in her head.

We ended up getting back together the same day. Of course I was really mad at her about what happened but I forgave her. Not mad that she got raped but mad that she broke our mutual promise. She got STD tests, made a police report (the rapist got away with it, cops wouldn't do shit as the only contact was on Tinder and she already managed to block him) and she started going to therapy. We also started going to couples therapy. I also started going to my own therapy and started anti-depressants to get better. We started excercising pretty much daily, we spent time together watching movies and TV shows. We cooked together and enjoyed our time together. I was getting very happy with her and she told me the same.

I've started to get really depressed again though. The medication didn't help much, still doesn't but I still take it daily. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts coming my way again and we made a promise to eachother to be open about our emotions. The first few times I told her about my mental state she was very supportive and caring, she always made me feel better. Then I started to get really suicidal about 2 months ago, I didn't tell her much about it but acted like everything was mostly fine. I started getting suicidal as I thought more and more about what happened to her, what has happened to me, what the state of the world is, how unfairly money goes around and how unhappy I was with the world, society and my situation in general. About 2 weeks ago she asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I don't know why, I honestly think it's the meds making me fucking weird, but I asked her if I could be alone for my birthday. I started to cry and she knew something was up, eventually I ended up confessing to her that I wanted to CTB on my birthday. She managed to talk me fully out of it and I was feeling hopeful again, happy that she was still with me and I was falling more and more in love with her, forgiving everything bad that has happened. I was starting to get more and more happy that I had her and I even expressed it a lot. I treated her well during this time, lots of hugs and kisses, lots of love and love messages etc. She waited until friday of that week and broke up with me out of nowhere. I get it, I haven't been a good bf for the last few years. But this hurts a lot. It came so out of the blue, just as she pulled me out of the deep end she threw me right back in. She was my only light in this dark, dark world.

I'm a fucking horrible person. I despice myself.

Thanks for reading. :) <3 (Also it's my bday today! Yay....)

 

[witchcraft]

As this is my thread and I can do what I want with it, I will start with some ranting.

I'm pretty much done with this world. I've lost what I thought was the love of my life. She was my best and only friend, I ruined everything by telling her how I've dreamt about suicide but to be honest I feel like the outbreak was from my antidepressants (which kind of don't help honestly) but I can't get her back anymore, she doesn't trust me or want to stick around and find out if I end up CTB (which now I certainly will). We had been together for 6+ years. I've grown very close and attached to her and being truly alone right now feels horrible. I miss our cuddles, kisses and hugs, I miss talking with her about her job and games she plays. I miss her so much. I know that these feelings will pass but that's not the only reason why I want to CTB (but it has turned into one of the big reasons for me to CTB). (EDIT: And she deserves so much better than me. She's genuinely the most noble and kind soul I've ever met and I wish her all the best. Maybe someone can talk me out of doing this)
For years I've had this massive amount of hatred towards this world and society in general. I hate how my country is being ruined. I hate how unfair and cruel this world is. There is no balance or justice. I despise money and how unfairly it's spread around.
Why the fuck is someone allowed to be born into a wealthy family with generational wealth and be literally free from any kind of work for the rest of their lives and they get to experience all the good things in life and travel freely anywhere at any time and not have to work a day in their life? All while there are genuinely kind and noble people working their asses off, getting burnt out from a job they hate but have to do to survive, never getting a break or the attention and love they truly deserve. I fucking hate it. I hate all of it. I do not want to continue. I do not want to see myself in 20+ years in the same place as I am currently or in a worse situation. I do not want to stay constantly jealous of everyone who has it better than me or has managed to succeed in life. All of this eats me from the inside. I genuinely want (success in life, which I know I don't have the effort, motivation, energy, will-power or luck to achieve or get what I want) my life to end.

Thanks for coming to my TED-talk. Then to my plan:

I've been thinking about partial hanging as my method for a while. I've thought about SN but I'm pretty sure I would somehow end up panicking right after taking it and aborting the process, only to end up in the same situation as I'm currently in. I've also thought about CO2 or exit bags, but I don't have access to 400L of Nitrogen (or other inert gasses) and carrying a tank that big seems very difficult alone.

And this is where I need verification/review that I haven't missed anything crucial.

I have an anchor point (my couch) which I will add +60kg of weights to so it doesn't move at all. The overall weight of the couch will be way more than what I weigh.
I will then wrap the rope to my couch and above this "compartment" which holds outerwear (idk what to call it) and is built pretty solid. I will also add some nails to act as guards to not let the rope go to a point without support (see pics). Then I will be on the other side, hanging.

There are the "stats" of the rope I was thinking of buying. I've done some research on this forum for what kind of a rope would suffice and I think this would but I'd love to have someone confirm this.

11mm diameter climbing rope. Tensile strength of 39 kN. Stretch 2,8%. Length 25m. Seems good, right? It's about 100€ so I want to verify this first before I go spending the money.​

I've attached the pictures that visualize where my rope will go and where I will hang. Sorry for the bad drawings but I hope it's enough to give you the idea. Nails that I've mentioned are in gray and added at the top of this "compartment" or whatever this is called. In the picture with the nails you can see that there is a wall that goes to the floor. I believe this will be good enough to support my weight as I've already tested it with my weight by hanging from it with my arm. I just need to make sure the rope doesn't slip to the boards next to it, as I don't think those will support my weight.

View attachment 180694View attachment 180695View attachment 180696View attachment 180697

I was thinking about CTB on my birthday as that's later this week. Saves my family from having to worry about 2 dates in a year of grieving (b-day and death-day). I fear that even if I was to order the rope straight away it wouldn't arrive in time, so I'll probably end up doing this at a later date from my birthday. Not ideal but it'll have to do.


Thank you so much for reading and your help <3

I am not the right person to offer critique on methodology, but I related to everything you said about what has led you to this point. I resonated with all of it, have felt or currently feel all of it.

Nothing says "thanks, I'm cured" like when somebody basically gives me today's equivalent of arbeit macht frei lmao.

Let me explain. In your post, you said you hate to imagine yourself in this place in another 20 years (paraphrasing). That is precisely when a normie, an NPC, a lucky naive individual, whatever you want to call them, starts giving you the usual spiel of how you need to work to escape.

Hence, work will set you free. Arbeit macht frei.

I know, not exactly encouraging. But I hope you at least feel like I understand where you're coming from. This life is bullshit, and so is all the gaslighting around that fact.