Venting "revenge"

[x51391225x]

I'm trying to think how I want to phrase this, so bear with me.

I have a lot of shitty friends. I don't connect easily with people and relationships of any kind usually end up toxic. I am manipulative by nature, but I do try my best to not be. I have attachment and abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Friendships and relationships for me, start out very intense. I'm falsely charismatic, but they end up realizing how broken I am. They almost inevitably end up the no contact route. Blocked, pretend I never existed, etc. For the most part, I seem to be pretty disposable to other people. They get what they want or need and then it's easy to forget about me.

As much as I know how upset my family will be when I CTB, the ones I think about are my "friends" and other people I've cared about. I've told them I was suicidal and I'm pretty sure they all thought it was a manipulation tactic. I didn't want help, I still wanted to do it, but being blown off just further confirmed it didn't matter. No one cared if was here. I hope there is some kind of afterlife just to see their reactions when they realize I wasn't being dramatic.

Is it fucked up to feel almost vengeful in a way? Does anyone else feel that way?

 

[Cya89]

Almost could have written this myself. It's like they think we're that basic or just don't bother to think beyond 1 step, that we haven't thought ourselves that it's awful to use suicide as a manipulation tactic and that it reflects badly on us. And then when someone kills themselves without telling anyone how they felt, people are like "oh they didn't reach out, they should have". Such a catch 22.

 

[x51391225x]

@Cya89 Exactly. I want them to be shocked. It's definitely not my driving force, I have my reasons, but it's just an added benefit.

 

[Despondent]

I think for most of us, one day we'll leave and someone will realize that only then our intentions were real. I feel the same way, though I hate to admit it. I've told people but they don't seem to care all that much because they don't think I'll ever do it. The fact that someone would even utter the words "I want to kill myself" should be enough for the other person to say "let's talk about it" instead of running away. Apparently that's not always the case.

I like the idea of seeing the reactions of those who I'll soon leave behind.

 

[Bea]

@Cya89 Exactly. I want them to be shocked. It's definitely not my driving force, I have my reasons, but it's just an added benefit.

Maybe they'll learn something. Ha! Take suicide a bit more seriously, people, or don't get all upset when someone does it.

 

[x51391225x]

I think for most of us, one day we'll leave and someone will realize that only then our intentions were real. I feel the same way, though I hate to admit it. I've told people but they don't seem to care all that much because they don't think I'll ever do it. The fact that someone would even utter the words "I want to kill myself" should be enough for the other person to say "let's talk about it" instead of running away. Apparently that's not always the case.

I like the idea of seeing the reactions of those who I'll soon leave behind.

The song "Turn Out the Lights" by Julien Baker is super super relatable for stuff like this. Actually all her music is, she suffers from mental illness. Let me know what you think if you give it a listen

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can't relate ngl, I've barely formed any friendships even of the toxic variety, so nobody aside from my parents is going to care.