pancakelover20
Member
- Jul 16, 2025
- 29
i act like im recovered in between relapses. i sct like i got it down. in reality i just dont give a fuck about life. i want something fast that feels good. fuck anythjng or anyone that interferes. fuck everyone and everything. leave me alone. give me my drugs and dark and quiet. i want to shut out the world and everything else. i dont care about my life or anything. im tried of acting like i do.
zero expectations
no one needing anything from me
no future
no more fixing
no more meaning
alone + quiet
oblivion.
"you need discipline! why dont you care? you need meaning! fulfill your purpose! why dont you want to fix your life?"
why would i want to stay tapped into an existence that feels unbearable?
sometimes i dont want long term benefits. im tired of act like i know what im doing or i CARE.
i dont want to care anymore about being clean
or profound insight
or personal growth
or to be controlled
or to be "appealing" for people
or to even cope healthily at all.
because for what?
because YOU feel its wrong?
"a job? relationships? friends? college?"
im tired of acting like i care.
"why dont you even do anything?"
i just want the world to shut the fuck up
oh, and when i go out to the parking lot to relapseā¦i get a text saying "hey dont do what i think youre gonna go doā¦dont listen to that voice!"
all i ever hear is "dont dont dont dont dont" "wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" from myself and everyone else. fuck yall fuck this fuck me im tired of giving a fuck.
im not deep, im not good, i dont know anything, im not content or a good person. im fake, im a liar, i dont know what im doing ever, im a loser, i just want my drugs. im tried of lying, im tired of living. thats my real dialogue.
yes, im doing this while paying a fuck ton for a special recovery program. FUCK LMAO
holy fuck i just realized i actually do want to just kill myselfZ
zero expectations
no one needing anything from me
no future
no more fixing
no more meaning
alone + quiet
oblivion.
"you need discipline! why dont you care? you need meaning! fulfill your purpose! why dont you want to fix your life?"
why would i want to stay tapped into an existence that feels unbearable?
sometimes i dont want long term benefits. im tired of act like i know what im doing or i CARE.
i dont want to care anymore about being clean
or profound insight
or personal growth
or to be controlled
or to be "appealing" for people
or to even cope healthily at all.
because for what?
because YOU feel its wrong?
"a job? relationships? friends? college?"
im tired of acting like i care.
"why dont you even do anything?"
i just want the world to shut the fuck up
oh, and when i go out to the parking lot to relapseā¦i get a text saying "hey dont do what i think youre gonna go doā¦dont listen to that voice!"
all i ever hear is "dont dont dont dont dont" "wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong" from myself and everyone else. fuck yall fuck this fuck me im tired of giving a fuck.
im not deep, im not good, i dont know anything, im not content or a good person. im fake, im a liar, i dont know what im doing ever, im a loser, i just want my drugs. im tried of lying, im tired of living. thats my real dialogue.
yes, im doing this while paying a fuck ton for a special recovery program. FUCK LMAO
holy fuck i just realized i actually do want to just kill myselfZ
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