Recovery seems impossible

[PaperStar]

I don't remember when, but I started trying to get better? I can't really remember much, actually. I know I felt better, and there was a few times I felt like maybe things would be better in the future. I remember I once thought that maybe I didn't wanna die, but now things are getting worse again, and I don't know why. I forgot so much of what happened when I seemingly felt okay to the point it's getting hard to believe the things I do remember were real. I know I told my partner that I was having little to no thoughts about suicide then, but despite knowing that happened, it's hard to believe it did. I don't even know if I'm remembering it right anymore. Did I say there was no more thoughts and I just tricked myself into thinking I said there was still a few? Was I actually constantly thinking of suicide like normal but lying to myself and my partner for whatever reason? I don't know what to believe anymore, even though there's proof of what I felt.

I've been trying to figure out what method would be easiest to do. Maybe something to do with asphyxiation but I don't know. I don't really have anything that I can use, I wanna try to get SN but I don't think I can.

It sucks but I don't think I can attempt anytime soon. Plus I promised my partner I wouldn't do anything. I really regret that though.