Really need some support

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I have been wanting to ctb for a long time, if I hadn't been stopped last year I'm pretty sure I would have done it with my preferred method of jumping.

I can't jump from there because of lockdown so I have been researching hanging. I'm not sure what is delaying me, maybe because it's not the method I preferred. I'm feeling pressure to do it because I'm scared my flatmate will return now that lockdown measures are being eased.

I can't continue to exist in this world and I want to go. I know this sounds needy but I could really use some support. Thanks

 

[Mywill]

Don't do it if you aren't ready, I learned that the hard way.

 

[adios]

I have been wanting to ctb for a long time, if I hadn't been stopped last year I'm pretty sure I would have done it with my preferred method of jumping.

I can't jump from there because of lockdown so I have been researching hanging. I'm not sure what is delaying me, maybe because it's not the method I preferred. I'm feeling pressure to do it because I'm scared my flatmate will return now that lockdown measures are being eased.

I can't continue to exist in this world and I want to go. I know this sounds needy but I could really use some support. Thanks

Whatever you do, make sure not to rush into anything... even if it seems like hanging is your only option I wouldn't do it if it makes you super uncomfortable. Has your city announced when things will be reopening, or when you'll be able to return to the spot you were planning on jumping from?
We're here for you if you need anything else!

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Thanks for replying.

I feel ready, hanging is proving difficult though. I tried partial a lot the past week or so but I can't get it right so I have set up a full suspension, I don't know why this feels more daunting.

I was going to jump from a beautiful place, with the sound of the sea. I have always loved the beach and that is my preferred place. Logic tells me that it really doesn't matter where I ctb as when I'm gone I won't know. I wanted the water to wash away the dirt in me, to die clean and hanging doesn't do that. The sea's not really clean but the thought comforted me.

Organising my thoughts is getting difficult. I just want to go

 

[adios]

Thanks for replying.

I feel ready, hanging is proving difficult though. I tried partial a lot the past week or so but I can't get it right so I have set up a full suspension, I don't know why this feels more daunting.

I was going to jump from a beautiful place, with the sound of the sea. I have always loved the beach and that is my preferred place. Logic tells me that it really doesn't matter where I ctb as when I'm gone I won't know. I wanted the water to wash away the dirt in me, to die clean and hanging doesn't do that. The sea's not really clean but the thought comforted me.

Organising my thoughts is getting difficult. I just want to go

I definitely understand what you're saying... it's super comforting to create an ideal image for something like this and want to stick to it. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm in the UK, lockdown has started to be eased. We're allowed to travel to places like where I wanted to ctb from but not by public transport and I don't drive so i don't know when I'd be able to get there.

It's a real worry for me that my flatmate could come back anytime. Schools are set to reopen on 1st June, she doesn't work in a school but I think she will come back by then.

It's utterly futile thinking about it and wishing it but I do really wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up
The daily death count for covid in the UK today is 160, that's good news for the people who are sick but for me it's really bad news. I'm so selfish. The longer lockdown goes on the better for me. I could look at it as as soon as lockdown is lifted I can go to my jump place but I don't ever want to see my flatmate again, I don't ever want to interact with another human again.

I watched a video of someone doing full suspension, they didn't look overly distressed and their set-up was very similar to mine, it didn't set my mind at ease though. I saw another one and the girl was screaming as soon as she kicked the chair away, she managed to pull herself up enough to scream for help and was saved. I think she had doubts going into it but the first one seemed calm. I need to be calm going into it, maybe alcohol would help?

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Every day my head feels a bit busier, louder, more disorganised. I need to leave this horrible world

 

[William Barker]

I have been wanting to ctb for a long time, if I hadn't been stopped last year I'm pretty sure I would have done it with my preferred method of jumping.

I can't jump from there because of lockdown so I have been researching hanging. I'm not sure what is delaying me, maybe because it's not the method I preferred. I'm feeling pressure to do it because I'm scared my flatmate will return now that lockdown measures are being eased.

I can't continue to exist in this world and I want to go. I know this sounds needy but I could really use some support. Thanks

Do you need a friend? I'm here for all those who ask.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

@William Barker a chat would be nice if you can?