nosurpries
Member
- Jul 3, 2022
- 97
my suicidal feelings change everyday but i know this winter is my last. it's so rare that i have a day where i feel hopeful for the future, even my "good days" i am simply just apathetic to living.
my future is only filled with debt, lonliness, medical bills and pain. i don't see a point in living long enough to decay and see everyone around me succeed and be happy while i suffer, i can't stand it. the only person i had left was my ex boyfriend, we broke up it was all my fault. i treated him terribly due to my deteriorating mental health. but that was back in febuary, since then we were no contact until 2 months ago when we ran into each other again and mutally decided to give us another shot. only for him to change his mind a week later and go back to completely acting like i never existed. it fucking hurts to see him living the life that i wish i could. our relationship was a mess and it was my fault. he's tried to reach out to me to pretty much taunt me and insult me, which i can only be half mad at him for because i was not a good partner. but i ignored him simply for the fact that i want to distance him as far away from me as possible so he has the best chance of not being traumatized by my suicide.
i was being a little rash earlier when i wanted to rush my cbt to this month, but now the plan is a bit calmer and more solid. my plan is for november at the earliest, but no later than may. i'm going to take sn in a hotel room. i'm going to tape a note to a chair to be seen directly when someone walks into the hotel room to contact emergency services and not to go further into the room, as not to traumatize the staff. i'll leave a note to whom it may concern, my family and my ex. i'll also leave my banking logins and the number to contact my job, and whatever else i'll think of by the time this happens, but i want to keep it short.
my future is only filled with debt, lonliness, medical bills and pain. i don't see a point in living long enough to decay and see everyone around me succeed and be happy while i suffer, i can't stand it. the only person i had left was my ex boyfriend, we broke up it was all my fault. i treated him terribly due to my deteriorating mental health. but that was back in febuary, since then we were no contact until 2 months ago when we ran into each other again and mutally decided to give us another shot. only for him to change his mind a week later and go back to completely acting like i never existed. it fucking hurts to see him living the life that i wish i could. our relationship was a mess and it was my fault. he's tried to reach out to me to pretty much taunt me and insult me, which i can only be half mad at him for because i was not a good partner. but i ignored him simply for the fact that i want to distance him as far away from me as possible so he has the best chance of not being traumatized by my suicide.
i was being a little rash earlier when i wanted to rush my cbt to this month, but now the plan is a bit calmer and more solid. my plan is for november at the earliest, but no later than may. i'm going to take sn in a hotel room. i'm going to tape a note to a chair to be seen directly when someone walks into the hotel room to contact emergency services and not to go further into the room, as not to traumatize the staff. i'll leave a note to whom it may concern, my family and my ex. i'll also leave my banking logins and the number to contact my job, and whatever else i'll think of by the time this happens, but i want to keep it short.
