Venting rant

[3spiral]

i was just gonna post this on my profile but i decided to make a thread just because i want interaction plus why not

well, i don't know why am i here again

i wouldn't say i'm sad or anything but there always seems to be this sort of negative, restless energy inside my body that makes me obsessively think about bad things and hurting myself

it's always followed by repression because wishing horrible things for myself feels like a way of invalidating other people who are genuinely struggling in life. i also could be considered attention seeker or dramatic so i would never, never let other people know that i have these thoughts or that i try everything to harm myself (i mean, one person knows, but he's the only one because i felt desperate enough to say things on impulse. he doesn't do anything about it though so it's fine) but to be fair that's mostly because i'm embarassed of being this way, don't want to cause trouble and also don't want to be seen by others, rather than actually caring about other people's opinions. maybe just don't want it to be a big deal

i never had trauma, i never needed something strong to cope with my feelings. i was "alright" until some time ago. i could just keep going with the flow of things and just move on whenever something bad happened but now it seems like i have to ruminate over the smallests things. one moment i'm alright and then out of the sudden i want to see my own blood, and if you questioned it i wouldn't be able to give you a single reason for that

i never joined this site because i was suicidal. i mean, the thought came to my mind a couple times but in reality it just felt like a place with enough tragedy for me to harm my psychological whenever i felt like i needed to, by reading other people's stories. why do i do this? do i hate myself? sometimes i might not feel like i'm "me", and i might hate certain ways my mind works but despite that i don't think i hate myself enough for that to be the reason

whatever makes me have those thoughts, it's strong enough that i ended up this way

i really wish i could know what this is, but at least writing it down made the urge calm down a bit

 

[NZkiwi]

i really wish i could know what this is, but at least writing it down made the urge calm down a bit

yeah i hear you. I can feel the restless negative energy coming from your post, and i guess you're sharing in the right place (recovery thread)

jounralling helped me organise my thougths (so continue to speak up and organise your thoughts)
once i journalled enough, i had to put the work in and that's equally as hard

wish you all the best on your journey, what ever you choose

 

[3spiral]

yeah i hear you. I can feel the restless negative energy coming from your post, and i guess you're sharing in the right place (recovery thread)

jounralling helped me organise my thougths (so continue to speak up and organise your thoughts)
once i journalled enough, i had to put the work in and that's equally as hard

wish you all the best on your journey, what ever you choose

thank you! i don't really know what to do about it, or if there's really anything to do, but yeah reading it again while my head isn't rushing at 200kph makes it feel more like a normal thing rather than me being a freak because of it

 

[Subject 01]

hi, i read all of this and i just want to tell you that none of it sounds like dramatic or attention-seeking. honestly just the fact that you feel guilty for thinking all this and that you almost didn't post this and that you've been hiding it from basically everyone just proves that you're not attention seeking.

also, i believe suicide isn't inherently linked to trauma. you can have a good life and still end up suicidal. it's all about what your mind decides to think and it can get really confused lol, most people are mentally ill for a reason :( it's crazy that brains can just start doing this for some reason?? but it happens a lot!

i feel like you don't believe you're valid to be here, but judging by what you're writing, you're definitely in the right site. nobody "mentally healthy" is going to have those thoughts. even if you don't have a name for that just yet and even if you're still confused, you still belong here and for me it's clear as day.

also i'm sorry but whoever that person you're talking about is, they suck :( i feel like that's a cry for help and they're just ignoring it. honestly i hope you make better friends

take care!!

 

[3spiral]

hi, i read all of this and i just want to tell you that none of it sounds like dramatic or attention-seeking. honestly just the fact that you feel guilty for thinking all this and that you almost didn't post this and that you've been hiding it from basically everyone just proves that you're not attention seeking.

also, i believe suicide isn't inherently linked to trauma. you can have a good life and still end up suicidal. it's all about what your mind decides to think and it can get really confused lol, most people are mentally ill for a reason :( it's crazy that brains can just start doing this for some reason?? but it happens a lot!

i feel like you don't believe you're valid to be here, but judging by what you're writing, you're definitely in the right site. nobody "mentally healthy" is going to have those thoughts. even if you don't have a name for that just yet and even if you're still confused, you still belong here and for me it's clear as day.

also i'm sorry but whoever that person you're talking about is, they suck :( i feel like that's a cry for help and they're just ignoring it. honestly i hope you make better friends

take care!!

thx so much for replying, everything you said means a lot to me, truly

and well, that person is pretty much the closest friend i have. i tell him... not nearly everything that goes through my head, but more than anyone has ever known. he doesn't understand me but he tries his best. he's not a bad person, and he's everything i have

there's not much he could do anyway. i wouldn't want him to tell anyone, but he usually doesn't want me to joke/talk about self harm so openly or else he threatens to do so lol;w:

i don't think that the fact that he has nothing to do about it or doesn't know how to help makes him a bad friend. he's got his own problems too