Venting it's hard to want to get better - just expressing things :3

[RawRX3]

[[Sorry, this is just me venting about things, feel free to ignore <3 ]]

I think I just don't know what I really want from life and because of that it makes it hard to care about getting better because what am I getting better for, is it just so I can go back to working jobs I hate, barely making it, and constantly wondering what I should be doing? Why would I want that....

I really like life, it can be really pretty and a place I'd like to be but at the same time what I want is to enjoy it but the reality is that I can't 'just enjoy it' because there's things that need to be done in order for me to just survive and just surviving doesn't really leave room for enjoyment, you're too busy running on the rodent wheel to chase something else and I don't have any dreams, no strong aspirations, I just kind of exist floating through the world one moment to the next

And to be honest, I kind of like being sick, I like showing how wrong I've always felt, being seen exactly like I am. I haven't felt okay for my entire life and I'm tired of hiding it, tired of running from something that I don't care to avoid and for reasons that really don't matter to me

Idk... I'm just tired and the life I wanted is immeasurably far away, literally impossible in some ways. So if the life I wished for isn't here then what am I waiting around for really?

I'm not saying I have no hope just not sure what it is I'm even hoping for. I don't really fit the society I live in, it makes things painful ontop of the existing stuff I already deal with and I don't even think the things I deal with can be fixed only managed at best or chained to at worse and maybe that's the point, life changes you and you can't click undo, but if that's what happens I need something to look forward to at least

I think I gave up hoping for a better life a while ago and I've only been living to care for and support others because at least then maybe they can have the thing I never found. I don't mind suffering if someone else can get better, it sucks to hurt but if they don't hurt/hurt less because of me then maybe it's okay in the end, maybe that can be my purpose

Sorry, hope it wasn't too annoying to read ^^"

 

[meowpuppy]

sorry for the disparate response im just akin to a wandering bunny!! also hi puppygirl hii hii!!

I haven't felt okay for my entire life and I'm tired of hiding it, tired of running from something that I don't care to avoid and for reasons that really don't matter to me

this is really relatable.. i'm tired too, i just hope now that i've temporarily given up on suicide, i'll be able to carve out a little space of happiness for my life. just for a little bit.

I'm not saying I have no hope just not sure what it is I'm even hoping for.

i wish people would talk to me literally about this lol how convenient. i think it's harder for us because so many "normal" lives are being destroyed for us, just because of how we are. there's nothing to hope for because there's nothing, there, at all. there's nothing to even think about.

I think I just don't know what I really want from life and because of that it makes it hard to care about getting better because what am I getting better for, is it just so I can go back to working jobs I hate, barely making it, and constantly wondering what I should be doing? Why would I want that....

this is really relatable, and i don't have a good reason to either.. i think it's good to develop a kind of blase attitude about work for a little bit if you want to get better from this kind of depressive hellhole. just, trying to live because life has a lot of neat things that you might want to try. but this basically only works if you can find a way to not be employed for a little bit.. hedonism is expensive, as they say.

I really like life, it can be really pretty and a place I'd like to be but at the same time what I want is to enjoy it but the reality is that I can't 'just enjoy it' because there's things that need to be done in order for me to just survive and just surviving doesn't really leave room for enjoyment, you're too busy running on the rodent wheel to chase something else and I don't have any dreams, no strong aspirations, I just kind of exist floating through the world one moment to the next

this is just what i'm talking about.. i think if you don't have a way to just, exist in a way that isn't completely based on your productivity, and in your current state, you will just, well, not be that happy. sucks.. i think normal people make do with it by enjoying themselves outside of work, but that's impossible for me..

I think I gave up hoping for a better life a while ago and I've only been living to care for and support others because at least then maybe they can have the thing I never found. I don't mind suffering if someone else can get better, it sucks to hurt but if they don't hurt/hurt less because of me then maybe it's okay in the end, maybe that can be my purpose

tw abuse but yeah, this is something i've felt too.. i've always thought that i could be a kind of a doll or a punching bag for other people so that they can find pleasure, even if i find suffering, in our relationship. i think ultimately i've suffered enough to where i can take quite a bit without much pain, so i've been considering picking up abusive friends and partners so that they abuse me instead of other people..

And to be honest, I kind of like being sick, I like showing how wrong I've always felt, being seen exactly like I am

it's pretty cathartic but i think it will hopefully lessen in time for the both of us, since sickness gets stale fast. though i am one to talk, since, well, i've been like this my whole life.

I don't really fit the society I live in, it makes things painful ontop of the existing stuff I already deal with and I don't even think the things I deal with can be fixed only managed at best or chained to at worse and maybe that's the point, life changes you and you can't click undo, but if that's what happens I need something to look forward to at least

yeah this is just it, i'm really close to giving up for this exact reason, i'm pretty worthless to society and therefore it would be a net benefit to them, probably, if i died. i'm already broken by what has happened and all these lost futures stand in front of me as bastions of an impossible past.

sorry i know my response was all over the place but your thoughts are basically mine at this point

 

[RawRX3]

sorry for the disparate response im just akin to a wandering bunny!! also hi puppygirl hii hii!!


this is really relatable.. i'm tired too, i just hope now that i've temporarily given up on suicide, i'll be able to carve out a little space of happiness for my life. just for a little bit.


i wish people would talk to me literally about this lol how convenient. i think it's harder for us because so many "normal" lives are being destroyed for us, just because of how we are. there's nothing to hope for because there's nothing, there, at all. there's nothing to even think about.


this is really relatable, and i don't have a good reason to either.. i think it's good to develop a kind of blase attitude about work for a little bit if you want to get better from this kind of depressive hellhole. just, trying to live because life has a lot of neat things that you might want to try. but this basically only works if you can find a way to not be employed for a little bit.. hedonism is expensive, as they say.

this is just what i'm talking about.. i think if you don't have a way to just, exist in a way that isn't completely based on your productivity, and in your current state, you will just, well, not be that happy. sucks.. i think normal people make do with it by enjoying themselves outside of work, but that's impossible for me..

tw abuse but yeah, this is something i've felt too.. i've always thought that i could be a kind of a doll or a punching bag for other people so that they can find pleasure, even if i find suffering, in our relationship. i think ultimately i've suffered enough to where i can take quite a bit without much pain, so i've been considering picking up abusive friends and partners so that they abuse me instead of other people..


it's pretty cathartic but i think it will hopefully lessen in time for the both of us, since sickness gets stale fast. though i am one to talk, since, well, i've been like this my whole life.

yeah this is just it, i'm really close to giving up for this exact reason, i'm pretty worthless to society and therefore it would be a net benefit to them, probably, if i died. i'm already broken by what has happened and all these lost futures stand in front of me as bastions of an impossible past.

sorry i know my response was all over the place but your thoughts are basically mine at this point

I don't mind your response style at all! I think like that too lol

I've been thinking a lot about how I really want to be in an abusive relationships, I feel like that would make things feel like they'd make sense somehow. Or maybe it'd just give me another strong reason to do things I'd hesitate otherwise. idk, maybe a lot of other things too. I def don't support abusers at all, it's more like my own quirk or issue. I get what you mean though about wanting to protect others from them at a cost to you instead

I had a brief year or two where I got a lot better than I'd been in my life and the irony was even when I was well I still missed being sick. I guess it's easy to miss the thing you grew up with because it's known and you spent your life feeling that way so of course the brain will miss it. It reminds me of how some artist make their best work while being mentally unwell and then when they get better their art just doesn't feel like, to them, to carry the same spark or flare and so they end up wanting to go back

I guess when you're broken you start needing a reason to continue outside of the usual "I like being alive" that others seem to have. maybe maybe ^^

Thanks for sharing and I'm happy you relate <3 (well happy to relate, not happy you can relate lol)

I'm glad you stopped by kitcat-pup <3

 

[meowpuppy]

I had a brief year or two where I got a lot better than I'd been in my life and the irony was even when I was well I still missed being sick.

this is, like, the worst thing ever i'm so sorry you had to suffer like that,, this was also my life for a little bit of time, maybe a month or two, thankfully, but it was still horrible, and i've at least managed to understand that, being sick is, not something i want, and, that if i want to be sick, it should be on my own terms rather than other's.

I guess it's easy to miss the thing you grew up with because it's known and you spent your life feeling that way so of course the brain will miss it.

this wasn't really the case for me, idk if this is like, too much information, and i should just simplify it, but i think i preferred just occupying the social position that i used to occupy, rather than an incongruence of what i was used to and what i am now, though the latter is absolutely still a living hell to me.

It reminds me of how some artist make their best work while being mentally unwell and then when they get better their art just doesn't feel like, to them, to carry the same spark or flare and so they end up wanting to go back

i don't really have this in particular because i don't make art, but something similar is actually like, also the worst feeling ever. i suppose a lot of feelings occupy that position in tandem, but that is also the worst one. it feels like i have to juggle my value as a person as being relatable to other suicidal people so i can form a community, my value as a person qua a person in the common sense, and my value as valerie qua valerie.

I guess when you're broken you start needing a reason to continue outside of the usual "I like being alive" that others seem to have. maybe maybe ^^

sorry but would you say you're broken? i feel like, that's a really bad thought to have, not necessarily thinking there is a Right way to be, but thinking that the Right way to be is something objectively correct and not a product of our times, and i really really hope you don't feel it too often, but i get how pervasive it is.. i'm sorry :< also, i think that plenty of people live their lives for a reason other than simple enjoyment of life..

I'm glad you stopped by kitcat-pup <3

thankgs regular pup mrrow

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Sorry to jump in here, but I really relate to a lot of the stuff you are both discussing too, and it sucks
* Not having any real desire/aim/purpose. Like yes I can keep trucking on with work, but what for - I have no life to balance with the work. I've always over valued work. But thats not how its meant to be. But most other attempts at hobbies feel forced and just for myself, which feels not right. At least forcing myself to work benefits others (in the sense of helping/not stitching up colleagues, not lining pockets of bosses)
* wanting to be some sort of scapegoat to take away abuse or bad stuff from the many good people of the world. Or just mainly devaluing myself. Like taking the smaller bedroom in a houseshare yet splitting the rent equally (but then months down the line getting pissed off about it even though it was mutually agreed and caused me a lot of awkwardness in myself)
* missing being 'sick' when things are going smoothly for a wee while. It just feels like there'll be a catch and everything will come crashing down but you can't trust when or where. And also, I zone out a lot and live on autopilot, which can be really quite functional, so getting all the feelings/waves of ridiculous emotions can be almost reassuring that I didn't make it up. That I do feel stuff, but I am still confused/frustrated/lost. But then I don't know if upset/confused/frustrated/lost and many not understood emotions is the true me or the zoned out functional (almost too much so) is the true me. Or something else.

Sorry, not much to add but just really relating with what you are describing, so thanks for opening the discussion and putting words to it all

 

[RawRX3]

this is, like, the worst thing ever i'm so sorry you had to suffer like that,, this was also my life for a little bit of time, maybe a month or two, thankfully, but it was still horrible, and i've at least managed to understand that, being sick is, not something i want, and, that if i want to be sick, it should be on my own terms rather than other's.

this wasn't really the case for me, idk if this is like, too much information, and i should just simplify it, but i think i preferred just occupying the social position that i used to occupy, rather than an incongruence of what i was used to and what i am now, though the latter is absolutely still a living hell to me.



i don't really have this in particular because i don't make art, but something similar is actually like, also the worst feeling ever. i suppose a lot of feelings occupy that position in tandem, but that is also the worst one. it feels like i have to juggle my value as a person as being relatable to other suicidal people so i can form a community, my value as a person qua a person in the common sense, and my value as valerie qua valerie.


sorry but would you say you're broken? i feel like, that's a really bad thought to have, not necessarily thinking there is a Right way to be, but thinking that the Right way to be is something objectively correct and not a product of our times, and i really really hope you don't feel it too often, but i get how pervasive it is.. i'm sorry :< also, i think that plenty of people live their lives for a reason other than simple enjoyment of life..

thankgs regular pup mrrow

Honestly I didn't mind it too much, I mean it wasn't nice but it also wasn't the worst to me. I think if life had gone a little differently then maybe I'd have figured out to work through my issues before they caught back up to me but things happened as they did and now I'm here back where I was longing for lol <confetti explosion here>

Always feel free to share your side of things, I don't mind when we differ and I'd rather know you as you are then have some concept of you that doesn't reflect who you are well. So correct me any time I say something that doesn't feel true for you, I def want that <3 I think I sort of get what you mean about the social position thing but maybe not exactly, I'm kind of divorced from social positions, I don't feel connected to them in any particular way so maybe my approach is different in that respect

I think I get what you're saying here. Is it that you feel like the expectations others place on you feels like it's fracturing who you are and your struggle is trying to be true to your self while balancing those expectations, such as being 'sick enough' to feel included here? I might be a little off, sorry if that true! I don't always get things sometimes ^^"

And I'm definitely broken to me ^^ But I don't see it as a bad thing per se. It's like having a broken bone, you're not useless because your bone is broken, you still have value, but the way you go about continuing to exist is going to be different until the healing is done. Likewise, I have parts of me that are sick, undeniably so, and I'm kind of referencing them by calling myself broken. But the term doesn't bother me because the idea feels fair and true but even then it doesn't relate to the value I hold as a person, if that makes sense :3

Sorry for the long responses, don't feel like you have to read them if it's too much effort <3

Sorry to jump in here, but I really relate to a lot of the stuff you are both discussing too, and it sucks
* Not having any real desire/aim/purpose. Like yes I can keep trucking on with work, but what for - I have no life to balance with the work. I've always over valued work. But thats not how its meant to be. But most other attempts at hobbies feel forced and just for myself, which feels not right. At least forcing myself to work benefits others (in the sense of helping/not stitching up colleagues, not lining pockets of bosses)
* wanting to be some sort of scapegoat to take away abuse or bad stuff from the many good people of the world. Or just mainly devaluing myself. Like taking the smaller bedroom in a houseshare yet splitting the rent equally (but then months down the line getting pissed off about it even though it was mutually agreed and caused me a lot of awkwardness in myself)
* missing being 'sick' when things are going smoothly for a wee while. It just feels like there'll be a catch and everything will come crashing down but you can't trust when or where. And also, I zone out a lot and live on autopilot, which can be really quite functional, so getting all the feelings/waves of ridiculous emotions can be almost reassuring that I didn't make it up. That I do feel stuff, but I am still confused/frustrated/lost. But then I don't know if upset/confused/frustrated/lost and many not understood emotions is the true me or the zoned out functional (almost too much so) is the true me. Or something else.

Sorry, not much to add but just really relating with what you are describing, so thanks for opening the discussion and putting words to it all

Don't be! Anyone is welcome to chime it <3

You add plenty just be being here and relating, trust trust

I basically lived out of disassociation my entire childhood and teen years, so autopilot makes total sense to me

I've always tried picking the lesser of sides too, smallest room is so something I'd choose XD

I elected to let my roommate decorate because she had a vision for things and I didn't know what I really wanted then and it kind of became her space more than mine. I was fine with it but then I started to notice how much more space her stuff seemed to take over and how small mine tended to be and I know she was just filling the empty space but it felt like I wasn't allowed to have unused space, so the apartment has kind of simply become mostly hers and a little mine. I stopped caring eventually because my room is really the most important thing for me but it definitely bothered me for a while ^^"

 

[meowpuppy]

gosh you're really fun lol

I think I sort of get what you mean about the social position thing but maybe not exactly, I'm kind of divorced from social positions, I don't feel connected to them in any particular way so maybe my approach is different in that respect

this is the same for me. i don't believe you can really exist without the notion of social positions, which is maybe what you're talking about here, but i will never be part of a regular social structure in a regular way. that's actually what my username means, lol. a dog that meows will never fit in to either cats or dogs.

I think I get what you're saying here. Is it that you feel like the expectations others place on you feels like it's fracturing who you are and your struggle is trying to be true to your self while balancing those expectations, such as being 'sick enough' to feel included here? I might be a little off, sorry if that true! I don't always get things sometimes ^^"

to be honest, i don't really believe in such a thing as a true self. it's hard to know where myself, my expectations for myself, other people's views of me, and other people's expectations for me, start and stop. i also don't feel sick enough to, be sick, really. my main problem is anxiety, a pretty embarrassing life, all things considered. have you ever even seen a good representation of anxiety? we've all perhaps seen dozens for depression. anxiety is just such a girlfailure thing nobody wants to really portray it

And I'm definitely broken to me ^^ But I don't see it as a bad thing per se. It's like having a broken bone, you're not useless because your bone is broken, you still have value, but the way you go about continuing to exist is going to be different until the healing is done. Likewise, I have parts of me that are sick, undeniably so, and I'm kind of referencing them by calling myself broken. But the term doesn't bother me because the idea feels fair and true but even then it doesn't relate to the value I hold as a person, if that makes sense :3

this is a little bit better, i'm glad you're different in that regard!! i'm really sleepy im sorry i should take a nap lol