Help Rant about being obessed over getting hurt / being a victim

[jeevasO-o]

I often have this huge urge to be in a hospital. If I could, I would attempt just to be in a hospital and get attention. I just can't do that obviously, as I could actually die or worse, get disabled physically, and obviously brain damage. I don't want that. I wanna be ill and bad, but not actually suffer too badly.
It's all I think often. I see an ambulance and wish to be hurt. I wish I could pass out there and get attention from them. I wish I could jump Infront a car and just end with them. I often even just stare down the rails on a train station, hoping anyone would somehow give me attention or something. I can't do it though, as I don't wanna die yet at the moment.

I know it doesn't makes any sense and might be very selfish, but I genuinely don't know the reason. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker, maybe I'm just crying out for help, maybe I'm just fucked up. It makes me think I'm machositic... but then I doubt it because I usually don't enjoy most pain (I do some, it depends) and wanna die when I have too much pain. (I like: cutting, hitting, sore muscles pain ig)

Also it's not like I'm someone who is often the center of attention. I have anxiety too. I hate being the center of attention often, but I also love it. I'd either enjoy it a lot or get panic attacks...or both:D (I'd still mostly avoid it though I guess.. or depends! I do like victimizing myself)

Talking about that now, I do often love being a victim. I just now came to realize how obessed I am with being a victim. I suppose I have a victim complex. I'm saying this and I am aware, but I'm still fully believing I'm a victim, but at the same time I think "ok I'm just narcissistic lowkey??". I'm not even sure anymore, if I just seek attention or I have a huge obsession over being a victim..., maybe both? Do I have narcissism? Although I don't really act like someone who's narcissist. I often thought about that but I don't really fit comeplety to being narcissist. I think I'm also more quiet.., I'm also aware that I have BPD.

Spoiler: TW: NSFW! mention of SA & RAPE

I even let myself get raped to be a victim again and be able to tell for sure "oh yeah I'm a rape / SA victim" (I am before and was before too but I don't remember it so I'm often unsure but I know my parents sexualized me for no reason. I'm also hypersexual WHICH is also a reason for it happening I guess because I'm fucking stupid not thinking straight when horny) I didn't even tell everyone or something, but I did tell some I think. I acted nonchalant though, and I don't even feel bad about it. Neither do I remember it a lot, but I know it happened lol.

If anyone has some advice please tell me:P

 

[peacefulnights]

I used to feel that way. It usually stems from people who were neglected as a child or wanted to be loved. It is a normal human response to want attention and care as much as it is to give it. Hospital is the one place in modern society where it is always given fairly unconditionally given you have an ailment or injury.

 

[jeevasO-o]

I used to feel that way. It usually stems from people who were neglected as a child or wanted to be loved. It is a normal human response to want attention and care as much as it is to give it. Hospital is the one place in modern society where it is always given fairly unconditionally given you have an ailment or injury.

I guess that does make sense

 

[Alpacachino]

Seems like Munchausen syndrome.

 

[jeevasO-o]

Seems like Munchausen syndrome.

I thought about that myself but I'm unsure because I don't really fake being sick often. I even feel awkward being sick but I think that's just with my parents. I don't know a lot about Munchausen syndrome though

 

[BlockedintheUK]

I thought about that myself but I'm unsure because I don't really fake being sick often. I even feel awkward being sick but I think that's just with my parents. I don't know a lot about Munchausen syndrome though

Its natural to feel good about being taken care of. I often leave a doctor or nurse appointment feeling good. Maybe because no one is helping you with your mental problems you feel like having a physical illness or injury is the next best thing which kind of makes sense I mean at least that way you get some kind of care.
@jeevasO-o Feel free to message me if you want to

 

[Dome42315]

Hi, not a psychiatrist (or psychologist), but I think it might be worthwhile looking into HPD! HPD and BPD have a lot of overlap, and some of the stuff you mention could possibly be considered HPD-only adjacent. No one but a trained medical professional can diagnose you though, and I'm just giving suggestions here, since I don't know the rest of your life story.

I really do feel for you though. That urge must be really hard to deal with. I'm glad that you're managing to somehow control yourself though!

 

[jeevasO-o]

Hi, not a psychiatrist (or psychologist), but I think it might be worthwhile looking into HPD! HPD and BPD have a lot of overlap, and some of the stuff you mention could possibly be considered HPD-only adjacent. No one but a trained medical professional can diagnose you though, and I'm just giving suggestions here, since I don't know the rest of your life story.

I really do feel for you though. That urge must be really hard to deal with. I'm glad that you're managing to somehow control yourself though!

Thank you!! I will do research about HPD probably. I really am into Physchology but I kinda don't know anything about HPD. I do have the official DSM5 in a pdf. I think I'll read about it

 

[Dome42315]

Thank you!! I will do research about HPD probably. I really am into Physchology but I kinda don't know anything about HPD. I do have the official DSM5 in a pdf. I think I'll read about it

It's a cluster B personality disorder, so it's classified the same as BPD. It should probably be a couple pages up or down from it. Hope everything goes well.