bugfart
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- May 21, 2023
- 60
I hate being with my family. My check engine lights have been going off for forever and I tried to ctb right before I had to go home for the summer. I was happy living alone. Every day I've got to cook and clean and do housework and be berated all day. Their way of "helping" or "keeping me safe" just feels like that story "the yellow wallpaper" due to isolation and supervision and chores.im a little over 20 years old and they can't decide whether im 5 years old or 30. I love taking Xanax and sleeping all day when I'm here. Because I'm tired of everything being my fault, when I'm alone and in university I make good grades and they're proud of me from afar. I just can't stand them up close. I don't like eating, drinking, moving, sex (and my parts feel nothing, I'm in complete erectile dysfunction), can't sleep at night and lay awake in agony, and I feel nothing when doing things I enjoy. I've been feeling this combo of disinterest in everything since age 10 but it's so upsetting having to prolong the inevitable until this august or September. I really want to do it and I'm gonna have roomates to find my body, but I don't feel all that bad.
I've seen/ experienced/ done things I hope people never have to see or experience for themselves and nobody ever apologized for making me this way. My parents don't acknowledge what happened to me or claim involvement by continuing to send me to mental institutions that have physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally harmed me. The things I've experienced in various wards across my 15 stays to prolong the inevitable and shock the defibrillator on a mental heart that doesn't care to beat should never happen to anyone. Extreme bullying and psychological abuse including mandatory bullying in therapy and constantly being accused of things I haven't done to gauge my reaction, and physical violence from both patients and staff. I was the bottom of the social rung so I've never been encouraged to go in and fight anybody and I was always at the bottom of the ladder when it came to this "therapy" where we all had to point out what we disliked about each other's actions and appearance and physically fight each other to teach each other the rules. I've also seen people legitimately try to kill others and themselves on a regular basis with stuff like snuggled in razor blades staff would buy for girls or shanks and I was at the point where I had to start slowly making a shank of my own.
Staff would encourage girls to beat me so I'd learn to stop crying or so I'd learn to stop being "weird" (I have mild autism) and would stand and guard the door until they were done. I got a temporary day room but had to sleep on a bare mattress in the hallway next to a staff member every night because I revealed on a survey that I am bisexual instead of straight and I was put on immediate "sexual violence watch", they thought I was going to do something to the other girls? I have no clue.
I kept going from ward to ward and I've tried to kill myself an average of every 5 months for years. I'm in an on and off abusive relationship that is now off potentially permanently which is making me feel a sense of panic. I wanted to be the one to control my situation and decide when it was off. It's permanently off with no way for me to contact him since he's in jail and I'm just chopped liver to him after everything he put me through and the way I was ready to stay and wait. I was willing to stay because it's not like I'm a great person either, and nobody else has shown me attraction or willingness for a relationship, nor can I sustain attraction to anyone else. I didn't even send him to jail or press charges is the thing, he got arrested for old charges for strangling someone years ago. I literally enjoy nothing and hanging out with friends or going out to the club is just a temporary bandaid or a burst of hope prolonging the inevitable.
I just wish people would stop with the narrative that they can fix me or if they just force me to into isolation and extremely uncomfortable situations (like the mental hospital) that I'll be "better" and suddenly gain the piece I'm missing that I was born without. Mentally I am already dead and I'm just too monitored to kill myself. You can't shock my brain or body awake or alive. Every one of my achievements is hilarious to people. To them I'm not human. It's like how people react to the horse playing a piano, it's hilarious that I am imitating a human being. It's due to my mild autism which I wish I didn't have and due to my extreme struggles with suicidal depression that my family and my partner (former, dont even know if he's in jail and ignoring me or still in there and in "the hole") don't see me as human. Every achievement is met with "I could do your work with my eyes closed" or "that's just what's expected of you".
But even just saying anything feels redundant. Embarrassing. Really stupid. It doesn't need to be said. When I finally do it I don't even want to leave a note or a why. I just want to be in another room from two people my age I don't really know and take a bunch of sedatives and hang my self at low suspension from the closet rod or shower rod in my dorm. I've tried it in these sorts of set ups and almost was successful but kept getting up from my hanging to do various things like delete my search history or complete an essay I couldn't survive missing academically if I failed my attempt/ pick up a phone call/ whatever else that has pulled me from kneeling on the floor away from my closet rod. Something always keeps preventing me from dying but this time this fall im not letting it. It's not a surprise or a bad thing and the last time my partner even begged me to CTB and wanted me to be successful. It's wanted out of me and no amount of anything can repair what I feel inside. I know on a very personal level that there's no love out there and there's nobody to save me or help me and even if there was I can't take it.
I've seen/ experienced/ done things I hope people never have to see or experience for themselves and nobody ever apologized for making me this way. My parents don't acknowledge what happened to me or claim involvement by continuing to send me to mental institutions that have physically, mentally, sexually, and emotionally harmed me. The things I've experienced in various wards across my 15 stays to prolong the inevitable and shock the defibrillator on a mental heart that doesn't care to beat should never happen to anyone. Extreme bullying and psychological abuse including mandatory bullying in therapy and constantly being accused of things I haven't done to gauge my reaction, and physical violence from both patients and staff. I was the bottom of the social rung so I've never been encouraged to go in and fight anybody and I was always at the bottom of the ladder when it came to this "therapy" where we all had to point out what we disliked about each other's actions and appearance and physically fight each other to teach each other the rules. I've also seen people legitimately try to kill others and themselves on a regular basis with stuff like snuggled in razor blades staff would buy for girls or shanks and I was at the point where I had to start slowly making a shank of my own.
Staff would encourage girls to beat me so I'd learn to stop crying or so I'd learn to stop being "weird" (I have mild autism) and would stand and guard the door until they were done. I got a temporary day room but had to sleep on a bare mattress in the hallway next to a staff member every night because I revealed on a survey that I am bisexual instead of straight and I was put on immediate "sexual violence watch", they thought I was going to do something to the other girls? I have no clue.
I kept going from ward to ward and I've tried to kill myself an average of every 5 months for years. I'm in an on and off abusive relationship that is now off potentially permanently which is making me feel a sense of panic. I wanted to be the one to control my situation and decide when it was off. It's permanently off with no way for me to contact him since he's in jail and I'm just chopped liver to him after everything he put me through and the way I was ready to stay and wait. I was willing to stay because it's not like I'm a great person either, and nobody else has shown me attraction or willingness for a relationship, nor can I sustain attraction to anyone else. I didn't even send him to jail or press charges is the thing, he got arrested for old charges for strangling someone years ago. I literally enjoy nothing and hanging out with friends or going out to the club is just a temporary bandaid or a burst of hope prolonging the inevitable.
I just wish people would stop with the narrative that they can fix me or if they just force me to into isolation and extremely uncomfortable situations (like the mental hospital) that I'll be "better" and suddenly gain the piece I'm missing that I was born without. Mentally I am already dead and I'm just too monitored to kill myself. You can't shock my brain or body awake or alive. Every one of my achievements is hilarious to people. To them I'm not human. It's like how people react to the horse playing a piano, it's hilarious that I am imitating a human being. It's due to my mild autism which I wish I didn't have and due to my extreme struggles with suicidal depression that my family and my partner (former, dont even know if he's in jail and ignoring me or still in there and in "the hole") don't see me as human. Every achievement is met with "I could do your work with my eyes closed" or "that's just what's expected of you".
But even just saying anything feels redundant. Embarrassing. Really stupid. It doesn't need to be said. When I finally do it I don't even want to leave a note or a why. I just want to be in another room from two people my age I don't really know and take a bunch of sedatives and hang my self at low suspension from the closet rod or shower rod in my dorm. I've tried it in these sorts of set ups and almost was successful but kept getting up from my hanging to do various things like delete my search history or complete an essay I couldn't survive missing academically if I failed my attempt/ pick up a phone call/ whatever else that has pulled me from kneeling on the floor away from my closet rod. Something always keeps preventing me from dying but this time this fall im not letting it. It's not a surprise or a bad thing and the last time my partner even begged me to CTB and wanted me to be successful. It's wanted out of me and no amount of anything can repair what I feel inside. I know on a very personal level that there's no love out there and there's nobody to save me or help me and even if there was I can't take it.
