lilli_188
éŗ¾ lili
- Apr 8, 2026
- 27
Hello, all. I know I've been gone for a bit, but I'm pretty random on here anyway, so I doubt many people noticed.
It took a lot for me to even start writing this. Thoughts and feelings awakened inside me, trying to push me away from the inevitable, but tonight I am able to say that I am starting to come to terms with it.
I will be preparing for my next, and final, attempt at ending my life, starting now. Or as soon as possible. I am not completely sure of my method yet, thus my lack of a time. But do not be fooled by my supposed lack of urgency, as I am still taking this "seriously", there are just a few issues with my decision to end my life:
- My lack of a method is due to a few factors. While I do have a somewhat steady income through a part-time job, I am unsure if it would be enough to purchase adequate materials for what I'd need to ensure success. I do not want to buy cheap equipment, as I am aware I'd be far more likely to fail. I am also in Canada, and am afraid that shipments like SN may be confiscated or evoke a wellness check as seen from other users on the forum.
- My anniversary with my partner is in two weeks. As much as I love him and wish I could have spent my life with him, I can't hold onto that connection to fuel my will to live any longer. He is aware of my intention to end my life, but not when or how I plan to. He is not happy about it, and it is why I have decided to stop talking about it around him. One, not to hurt him more than I need to, and two so he does not tell anyone about my plan before I can complete the act.
- My younger brother will suffer. He is stuck at home with my mother, which if anyone reading this also saw my first thread, you know how terrible of a woman she is. I am afraid she will either abuse or hide him from getting help. He has some sort of slowed development and does not know how to defend himself in these kinds of situations, and I just really don't want him to suffer from my decision. I am trying to find a way to get him somewhere safe before I pursue my deed.
These are my reasons, or excuses, whatever you would like to call them. You may also say these are reasons to live! But for me, they are not. I know it sounds selfish, but they are quite the opposite. They torment me, knowing I will be leaving so many burdens behind if I end my life, but I really cannot hold onto myself or this life of mine anymore. As I learn more about how I will plan to go, I want to share it with readers here on the site.
So, what is my first step? Well, that would be to decide how I want to go, and I believe I have a few ideas. The first being some sort of hanging, and the other being SN. However, like I said, SN is something that concerns me in transit. I cannot travel from Canada to another country in order to complete my attempt, which is unfortunate. I know it is not allowed here to encourage any method, but to anyone who got this far, I want to know:
How did you decide on your method of choice, and what is it? Was it something you always wanted to do, or did it come by with specific circumstances?
I would appreciate hearing anyone's answers. Thank you if you read through. Have a day of content, kind stranger..s?
It took a lot for me to even start writing this. Thoughts and feelings awakened inside me, trying to push me away from the inevitable, but tonight I am able to say that I am starting to come to terms with it.
I will be preparing for my next, and final, attempt at ending my life, starting now. Or as soon as possible. I am not completely sure of my method yet, thus my lack of a time. But do not be fooled by my supposed lack of urgency, as I am still taking this "seriously", there are just a few issues with my decision to end my life:
- My lack of a method is due to a few factors. While I do have a somewhat steady income through a part-time job, I am unsure if it would be enough to purchase adequate materials for what I'd need to ensure success. I do not want to buy cheap equipment, as I am aware I'd be far more likely to fail. I am also in Canada, and am afraid that shipments like SN may be confiscated or evoke a wellness check as seen from other users on the forum.
- My anniversary with my partner is in two weeks. As much as I love him and wish I could have spent my life with him, I can't hold onto that connection to fuel my will to live any longer. He is aware of my intention to end my life, but not when or how I plan to. He is not happy about it, and it is why I have decided to stop talking about it around him. One, not to hurt him more than I need to, and two so he does not tell anyone about my plan before I can complete the act.
- My younger brother will suffer. He is stuck at home with my mother, which if anyone reading this also saw my first thread, you know how terrible of a woman she is. I am afraid she will either abuse or hide him from getting help. He has some sort of slowed development and does not know how to defend himself in these kinds of situations, and I just really don't want him to suffer from my decision. I am trying to find a way to get him somewhere safe before I pursue my deed.
These are my reasons, or excuses, whatever you would like to call them. You may also say these are reasons to live! But for me, they are not. I know it sounds selfish, but they are quite the opposite. They torment me, knowing I will be leaving so many burdens behind if I end my life, but I really cannot hold onto myself or this life of mine anymore. As I learn more about how I will plan to go, I want to share it with readers here on the site.
So, what is my first step? Well, that would be to decide how I want to go, and I believe I have a few ideas. The first being some sort of hanging, and the other being SN. However, like I said, SN is something that concerns me in transit. I cannot travel from Canada to another country in order to complete my attempt, which is unfortunate. I know it is not allowed here to encourage any method, but to anyone who got this far, I want to know:
How did you decide on your method of choice, and what is it? Was it something you always wanted to do, or did it come by with specific circumstances?
I would appreciate hearing anyone's answers. Thank you if you read through. Have a day of content, kind stranger..s?
