Phobia that A won't be here once i get the money for a second order

[Suicideisnirvana]

My second biggest phobia (the first one beibg having to libe again being spawned by this crappy universe) is that A won't be here once i get the money for a second order. The last one was confiscated by the customs, i will try a last time before abandonning this method, even if it's the only one i reallt trust succeesing at. Altough everyday seems like torture, i can be patient when i hold really close the tought that i won't be here soon, just some months, 6 or 7 till i get the money and hell will be over. I have a rule of gambling 20% of the 80€ i keep every month for N, just to have that 3 or 4% chance of doing it sooner, a wild card to endure the passage of time. Yet what really panicks me is the anxiety that A will disappear at that time, he's my only hope and in many years we have seen 0 alternative to him, if he quits or get arrested or god forbid something happens to me, i don't know how i could even hold the slightest hope of escaping hell.