I'm planning on offing myself. I know, not a big shock on this website. Just…I guess, putting this out there to see if I'm insane and can't see it, or if this makes sense.
I was doing great - I went to college, got my master's, found my place and my friends… and then I got diagnosed with epilepsy.
I'm seeing neurologists and other doctors now; and basically, it seems like waking up in the hospital and not being able to stand up or walk for a few weeks at a time is just life from now on.
I hate seeing myself not doing the best I can do. I hate seeing myself not happy and productive anymore. I was studying, working hard, traveling, going places, and suddenly I'm bedridden against my will and burning a hole in my parents' wallets as i stay at their house unemployed and unable to work since every time I have a seizure, I can't walk afterwards.
Life is essentially over for me. Every seizure flexes my back and leg muscles so hard, I can't get out of bed and walk on my own for at least a month afterward. I've been bedridden and unemployed for a few years now and nothing's gotten better. My neurologist hasn't found anything nor has any other doctor I've been seeing. My dream of being able to walk and go to school again has been dead for a long while.
I guess this is my last cry for help: is there anybody else who gets what i'm going through? is there hope for me, or is life really as bad as I see it and this is my only way out? I'm not even crying over this anymore; I just can't spend the rest of my life in bed unable to do anything else anymore. I plan on driving away, getting as high on marijuana as physically possible, and then overdosing by taking all the meds i've ever been prescribed at the same time.
I know i'll be in less pain than before. I know I haven't left my bed for the past two and a half years and I haven't been happy for an even longer time, and I know I'll be in less pain after I do it.
I guess, just…is there anybody who wants to change my mind before I do? Everything hurts. My heart has hurt for as long as I can remember now. I don't know what answer I'm expecting, but something in my heart wants to ask…I guess.
Regardless, if you've made it down this far, thank you for reading, and whatever situation you're also in, I wish you the best no matter what.
With genuinely all the love in my heart,
JD
Sidenote - I'm new here and could only get the balls to post here while three sheets to the wind drunk. If i'm breaking any rules or posted this in the wrong place, I will happily delete this or move it to the appropriate place. Apologies from drunk JD in the back of a friend's car on the way back from the bar, and/or thank you for your understanding.
JD
My birthday's at the end of July. I'm going with my bestie to go to the bar, have a wonderful unhinged 29th birthday drunk and shaking ass at the bar, and then I'm finding a place to park and passing away at my peak, in a car I love with the music that means something to me playing as I overdose. Am I just deceiving myself or does this make sense to you too?
JD
I was doing great - I went to college, got my master's, found my place and my friends… and then I got diagnosed with epilepsy.
I'm seeing neurologists and other doctors now; and basically, it seems like waking up in the hospital and not being able to stand up or walk for a few weeks at a time is just life from now on.
I hate seeing myself not doing the best I can do. I hate seeing myself not happy and productive anymore. I was studying, working hard, traveling, going places, and suddenly I'm bedridden against my will and burning a hole in my parents' wallets as i stay at their house unemployed and unable to work since every time I have a seizure, I can't walk afterwards.
Life is essentially over for me. Every seizure flexes my back and leg muscles so hard, I can't get out of bed and walk on my own for at least a month afterward. I've been bedridden and unemployed for a few years now and nothing's gotten better. My neurologist hasn't found anything nor has any other doctor I've been seeing. My dream of being able to walk and go to school again has been dead for a long while.
I guess this is my last cry for help: is there anybody else who gets what i'm going through? is there hope for me, or is life really as bad as I see it and this is my only way out? I'm not even crying over this anymore; I just can't spend the rest of my life in bed unable to do anything else anymore. I plan on driving away, getting as high on marijuana as physically possible, and then overdosing by taking all the meds i've ever been prescribed at the same time.
I know i'll be in less pain than before. I know I haven't left my bed for the past two and a half years and I haven't been happy for an even longer time, and I know I'll be in less pain after I do it.
I guess, just…is there anybody who wants to change my mind before I do? Everything hurts. My heart has hurt for as long as I can remember now. I don't know what answer I'm expecting, but something in my heart wants to ask…I guess.
Regardless, if you've made it down this far, thank you for reading, and whatever situation you're also in, I wish you the best no matter what.
With genuinely all the love in my heart,
JD
Sidenote - I'm new here and could only get the balls to post here while three sheets to the wind drunk. If i'm breaking any rules or posted this in the wrong place, I will happily delete this or move it to the appropriate place. Apologies from drunk JD in the back of a friend's car on the way back from the bar, and/or thank you for your understanding.
JD
My birthday's at the end of July. I'm going with my bestie to go to the bar, have a wonderful unhinged 29th birthday drunk and shaking ass at the bar, and then I'm finding a place to park and passing away at my peak, in a car I love with the music that means something to me playing as I overdose. Am I just deceiving myself or does this make sense to you too?
JD
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