Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[100memoryleaks]

I did some tarot with his shard today, I got so many cards about loving me unconditionally that makes me so happy, I got a set that al together means soulmates, then I got a card about a male father figure trying to be comforting, hehe, I love uu too I'm so happy I at least have you around still, my ghostly puppy, when I die I'll hold your hand
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I think he's been trying to reach me in my dreams, last night I dreamt of my death but also a dream I couldn't remember.. Only small pieces, but it felt so loving and real that when I woke up alone I was anxious and terrified..

The small parts I remember are me laying my head on a shoulder, and hands petting my hair and back, occasionally a small kiss being put in my hair on my head, a lot of hushing and comforting.. It smelled just like him, maybe he was trying to comfort me while I slept, cus I went to bed crying about missing him..
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Maybe tmi, but ever since the beginning of this starving I haven't pooped, I only eat milk cola and occasionally a small bite of food that my family makes me eat, the rest I eat and throw up in the bathroom or just avoid eating

Today I had my first bowel movement, it's weird, it's weird that I'm not in significant pain from starving nor am I hungry, I'm just numb and losing weight
If it wasn't for his shard I'd only be living off of cola, but he says I need to have milk as well.. To minimize the internal damage to my stomach, so I can ctb without any medical complications beforehand.. So I have one glass of cola and one glass of milk a day, plus my medications, I feel pretty when I look in the mirror

sorry for my ignorance, but what do you mean by his shard?

i have had dreams about my fp in the past couple days as well. i guess because it was his birthday yesterday ...

 

[fluorescentpearl]

sorry for my ignorance, but what do you mean by his shard?

i have had dreams about my fp in the past couple days as well. i guess because it was his birthday yesterday ...

It's like a piece of his soul.. Before I met him it was around me reminding me that id meet him someday and that he was my one true love, now that he left it's around me comforting me as I wait to die..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I dreamt of him again, he comforted me and told me I can be with him forever soon, he said that he's sorry, I cried into his shirt and sobbed that I was sorry for being this way, I cried that I was sorry for ever making him bother with me, for ever being around him.. He brushed my hair and gave me a kiss, wiped my tears with his hand, said I was a good kid no matter what illnesses I struggle with.. It was nice, it felt so real..
He placed a hand around my neck, and looked at me, like he Knew that I Knew what he meant, that all I had to do was take the step and dangle from the string to be with him again..
He feels comforting, I wish I could sleep forever so I could keep dreaming of him, my beloved

 

[fluorescentpearl]

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I'm making my meal of the day, a cup of milk with a splash of tea, I sip it with a straw for the rest of the day, I'm too tired to even pick up the cup, my hands shake everyday and I'm too tired to walk, my head always hurts and I can't listen to music even, my family is mad at me for being so shut off, they don't see me smile or laugh, I barely speak to anyone, I just stay in my bed and survive off of milk

I wonder how long realistically I could live off of milk before I start feeling the effects of malnutrition, for now I feel fine beyond the weakness and headaches, I'm not hungry and I don't feel much thirst
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I keep thinking of the dream, of how gently he comforted me about this, he was crying, I wanted to comfort him but the words wouldn't leave my mouth, I could only stare at him and cry too, the feeling of his lips on mine is nostalgic, it's a softness I miss, I'm starting to forget how it felt because I think of it too often, the memory is getting ruined by this human mind.. I find myself crying now, I wish I remembered his kiss better