Story Personal Diary + Introduction

[fluorescentpearl]

I decided I'm going to make a diary / main thread where I can rant and throw things at, as well as introducing myself to the community since I worry I haven't yet..

Hello world, I won't say my real name on here but I'll go by Moon, I think it is the most fitting..
I am a 21 year old girl from North Europe who loved (when I still had a will to live) anime stuff, history, I really love poetry and psychology..
I'm (undiagnosed) likely a bpd haver, as well as dpd and osdd (which I remember speaking of with a few doctors) and I Am diagnosed with autism depression and OCD..
My biggest dream in life was to find love and get married, hehe, which I achieved for a small bit..
My favorite color is purple and pink, and I love the cold, and the sea.. Rain brings me comfort, so does anything sad really
Recently I live in a constant state of empty sadness and apathy while I wait for The Day I'll return to the other world..

I believe there's life after death, a place I'll return to that's better than this world, a sweet place, where I'll just have to wait for my beloved to die and we will be together again..

My beloved dislikes me as of now, he also believes in the other world, but he mistakenly thinks I've done something back there to ruin our relationship.. Even knowing I can't remember it, yet having proof I didn't do it, I know he wouldnt return to me in this world, so I will die to wait for him on the other side..

I am a romantic, philosophically, the movement of poets has always struck a chord in me, my life is so horrible that being able to find beauty in depression and death is the only thing keeping me going..

I think people deserve better, I let a rape ruin my view of myself, make me begin behaving rudely and stupidly, and I dont want to see myself that way.. I always believed in kindness, in lending a hand, in helping out, everyone deserves a thousand chances because chances are all we've got, nothing else exists in this world..

I was very lonely and isolated my whole life, I guess that lead me to this set of beliefs and strange behavior, I don't think I mind it, I dont mind being strange and neither should any of you, I believe words like loser, monster, creep, parasite, pest, should be upheld.. You deserve to be good! You deserve to have the word used against you become positive..

I would share my life story but I feel like no one would read that far, so for now I'll end it here

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I miss him, I wish this world wasn't so cruel and harsh, enough to take him from me, all I can hope is for death..

 

[fluorescentpearl]

I'm considering the train rly heavily now, taking a sedative, earplugs and going to the rails, how hard can it be? I was ready to jump off a building, before it got off limits, so how much harder can a train be?
I think I'll go take a walk tomorrow to the rails to see how it is, shouldn't be too far from my house anyway, whether I attempt or not will be for tomorrow-me, today-me is having her one bite of food for the day and thinking of dying