Venting Paranoid about cops investigating after I ctb

[kirillbledny]

I don't want them going through my personal belongings, through my search history, through my social media accounts or emails, or through my phone. I already plan to factory reset my PC, I wanted to delete my Google account too but I use YouTube Music for music.
I know there's not really a way to avoid it because they have to investigate, even if I have a note on me clearly stating suicidal intent. I wish I could get rid of everything I own, I already threw out all my old journals and anything embarrassing I don't want cops or my family to find. It's just frustrating that one can't be left alone even in and after death.

 

[rottenbeing]

I relate to this so much.
I am also dreading this so much. I want a close friend or a close family to read my journal so that they can come to terms with my death. I think without reading those journal they will struggle to move on. I have written cringy love poems for others and hate poems for myself. That would honestly be fun and weird for them to read. But I kinda want my best friend to read them. She used to always say that I was a good writer. She would realize she was wrong to think so. Lol.
But I don't want any cops to go through my journal. I don't want anyone (family or not) to go through my phone, tablet and laptop. Selective much. :)

 

[kirillbledny]

I relate to this so much.
I am also dreading this so much. I want a close friend or a close family to read my journal so that they can come to terms with my death. I think without reading those journal they will struggle to move on. I have written cringy love poems for others and hate poems for myself. That would honestly be fun and weird for them to read. But I kinda want my best friend to read them. She used to always say that I was a good writer. She would realize she was wrong to think so. Lol.
But I don't want any cops to go through my journal. I don't want anyone (family or not) to go through my phone, tablet and laptop. Selective much. :)

I actually started keeping 2 new journals specifically after deciding to ctb, one for random doodles/quotes/drawing when I'm on acid, and the other one where I write down lengthy passages of philosophy that brings me comfort. The original goal was similar to yours, to help capture my mental state (I keep going back and forth on leaving a suicide note, I have written one but it feels way different than them just reading through my entries day by day). But knowing it's gonna be taken into evidence and locked away at a police department when it meant so much to me a could mean something to people around me... It makes it all feel pointless. What if they take the suicide note, too? It's very insensitive imo. I have one best friend but he lives in the UK while I'm in mainland Europe, I was thinking of possibly shipping the journals to him, but what if they get lost in transport... Seems like a scheduled message/email is the way to go. I wish I could go talk to some professional who'd help me get my affairs in order properly lol

 

[ctb_warrior]

I don't want them going through my personal belongings, through my search history, through my social media accounts or emails, or through ny phone. I already plan to factory reset my PC, I wanted to delete my Google account too but I use YouTube Music for music.
I know there's not really a way to avoid it because they have to investigate, even if I have a note on me clearly stating suicidal intent. I wish I could get rid of everything I own, I already threw out all my old journals and anything embarrassing I don't want cops or my family to find. It's just frustrating that one can't be left alone even in and after death.

Same

I also have this concern
So i have this thought, whenever I'll have a concrete method, I'm format all my devices to clean the memory. I'll see if i can arrange a software to erase memory such that it can't be retrieved anyhow

 

[kirillbledny]

Same

I also have this concern
So i have this thought, whenever I'll have a concrete method, I'm format all my devices to clean the memory. I'll see if i can arrange a software to erase memory such that it can't be retrieved anyhow

It just really freaks me out that everyone says law enforcement has ways of recovering digital data no matter how hard you try to erase it, I'm not doing anything illegal online but I just want privacy and to be left alone.

 

[ctb_warrior]

It just really freaks me out that everyone says law enforcement has ways of recovering digital data no matter how hard you try to erase it, I'm not doing anything illegal online but I just want privacy and to be left alone.

There are softwares that are able to overwrite the data so that no one can retrieve it.
It's like using a white pen to erase the text, but through white pen, the ink is still visible, so you write new text over that to hide the original text.
Seriously. I also want privacy even after i am dead

 

[rottenbeing]

I actually started keeping 2 new journals specifically after deciding to ctb, one for random doodles/quotes/drawing when I'm on acid, and the other one where I write down lengthy passages of philosophy that brings me comfort. The original goal was similar to yours, to help capture my mental state (I keep going back and forth on leaving a suicide note, I have written one but it feels way different than them just reading through my entries day by day). But knowing it's gonna be taken into evidence and locked away at a police department when it meant so much to me a could mean something to people around me... It makes it all feel pointless. What if they take the suicide note, too? It's very insensitive imo. I have one best friend but he lives in the UK while I'm in mainland Europe, I was thinking of possibly shipping the journals to him, but what if they get lost in transport... Seems like a scheduled message/email is the way to go. I wish I could go talk to some professional who'd help me get my affairs in order properly lol

I think I would CTB in a hotel. I would take one journal and one suicide note that I'd want the cops to find there. I won't talk anything bad about anyone who hurt me in that journal. I would portray myself as the villain on that journal. In the meantime, I'd keep all my remaining journal and another personal suicide note in my parents home in a box instructing my bestfriend to take them (perhaps through a scheduled mail or text).

I got the idea to keep more than one suicide letter from Sasu. I also remember watching some YouTube videos from bereaved family who were in shambles that they couldn't get the suicide note of their loved ones as the cops took them. So, it was always in the back of my mind that I should write two suicide note.
I feel bad about the hotel and its staff. Dying at their place. So, I will keep some extra money to give them. Hopefully their business won't get affected. I think I would purposely pick a dying hotel. Maybe the notoriety would help them recover their business or the hotel would die as it was already bound to die.

 

[kirillbledny]

There are softwares that are able to overwrite the data so that no one can retrieve it.
It's like using a white pen to erase the text, but through white pen, the ink is still visible, so you write new text over that to hide the original text.
Seriously. I also want privacy even after i am dead

Do you know/can you recommend any? The only other thing I can think of is physically smashing my PC but the internet is forever so I'm sure they'll be able to dig through my stuff even if the device itself is destroyed. I also don't know the extent of the investigation (would they really go through my emails, my messages, my social media accounts if it's obvious suicide with SN?). I read the post by COP2CON on here about the law enforcement procedures, I'm not from the US but I'm assuming the procedure is more or less the same.

 

[repthilium]

Destroy the hard drive (PC), I don't know, hit it with something like a hammer, or even a dvmbbell if yov have one. With the hard drive destroyed, they won't be able to recover anything from yovr compvter that they covld have recovered if it were still intact.
(IMPORTANT: If yov're trying to prevent someone from recovering data from the device, simply destroying the hard drive may not be enovgh to gvarantee that nothing can be recovered. A damaged drive can sometimes still have recoverable data, depending on the type of storage and the extent of the damage. The safer approach is to properly erase or cryptographically wipe the storage before disposing of it, i think have some tvtorials or better explanations abovt this on Yovtvbe)

Better to properly wipe the hard drive first and then destroy it afterwards. Same thing with the phone — modern phones are vsvally encrypted, so properly wiping it and removing yovr accovnts is generally more vsefvl than jvst bvrning the thing. Also, obviovsly, none of this does anything abovt data that was already copied, backed vp, or captvred somewhere else.

 

[rottenbeing]

It just really freaks me out that everyone says law enforcement has ways of recovering digital data no matter how hard you try to erase it, I'm not doing anything illegal online but I just want privacy and to be left alone.

Ikr. Everyone deserves privacy. Would have loved if they respected that wish.
Same here. I haven't done anything incriminating. Still. Would have loved if they just respected our privacy.
In my country, I don't think the law enforcement would be that effective. If it is confirmed as suicide, I hope they don't investigate further.
Earlier, I was hoping to mask my suicide as accidental so as to spare my own parents feelings. But then they would investigate more and the hotel ( the place where I intend to die) might run into problems. So, in the end I will just write a suicide note and clarify everything.
I hope the inefficiencies of the law enforcement would come in handy in my case and they don't investigate much.

 

[kirillbledny]

I think I would CTB in a hotel. I would take one journal and one suicide note that I'd want the cops to find there. I won't talk anything bad about anyone who hurt me in that journal. I would portray myself as the villain on that journal. In the meantime, I'd keep all my remaining journal and another personal suicide note in my parents home in a box instructing my bestfriend to take them (perhaps through a scheduled mail or text).

I got the idea to keep more than one suicide letter from Sasu. I also remember watching some YouTube videos from bereaved family who were in shambles that they couldn't get the suicide note of their loved ones as the cops took them. So, it was always in the back of my mind that I should write two suicide note.
I feel bad about the hotel and its staff. Dying at their place. So, I will keep some extra money to give them. Hopefully their business won't get affected. I think I would purposely pick a dying hotel. Maybe the notoriety would help them recover their business or the hotel would die as it was already bound to die.

I was thinking something similar, hotel room, one note on me. My suicide note is really angry and does blame the people in my family who hurt and traumatized me. I actually keep going back and forth on it, because I simply cannot bring myself to write a loving, forgiving note since that's so fake, so I thought maybe it's best to not say anything... It's complicated. I was also thinking of leaving a USB with the note on my table at home. I was reading through the suicide bereavement reddit page and it doesn't seem to make much difference regarding hurt on whether there is or isn't a note. Some people even wrote they never had the courage to read their loved ones note, so I think wow what's even the point.

I also think about the person who's gonna find me, I'm not doing it at home because I'd be found quickly and traumatise them, but the truth is that someone will be traumatised either way, even if I go into the woods.

I wish I didn't care that much but I suppose I want to be understood. If I didn't gaf I could just do it whenever, wherever.

Destroy the hard drive (PC), I don't know, hit it with something like a hammer, or even a dvmbbell if yov have one. With the hard drive destroyed, they won't be able to recover anything from yovr compvter that they covld have recovered if it were still intact.
(IMPORTANT: If yov're trying to prevent someone from recovering data from the device, simply destroying the hard drive may not be enovgh to gvarantee that nothing can be recovered. A damaged drive can sometimes still have recoverable data, depending on the type of storage and the extent of the damage. The safer approach is to properly erase or cryptographically wipe the storage before disposing of it, i think have some tvtorials or better explanations abovt this on Yovtvbe)

Better to properly wipe the hard drive first and then destroy it afterwards. Same thing with the phone — modern phones are vsvally encrypted, so properly wiping it and removing yovr accovnts is generally more vsefvl than jvst bvrning the thing. Also, obviovsly, none of this does anything abovt data that was already copied, backed vp, or captvred somewhere else.

Tysm for this reply, it's very helpful!!

 

[rottenbeing]

Yi

I actually started keeping 2 new journals specifically after deciding to ctb, one for random doodles/quotes/drawing when I'm on acid, and the other one where I write down lengthy passages of philosophy that brings me comfort. The original goal was similar to yours, to help capture my mental state (I keep going back and forth on leaving a suicide note, I have written one but it feels way different than them just reading through my entries day by day). But knowing it's gonna be taken into evidence and locked away at a police department when it meant so much to me a could mean something to people around me... It makes it all feel pointless. What if they take the suicide note, too? It's very insensitive imo. I have one best friend but he lives in the UK while I'm in mainland Europe, I was thinking of possibly shipping the journals to him, but what if they get lost in transport... Seems like a scheduled message/email is the way to go. I wish I could go talk to some professional who'd help me get my affairs in order properly lol

You can write more than one suicide note. I am definitely certain the cop would take one. You can keep one near you when you CTB (The cops would take that) and another one in a secluded area where your loved one or your friend would have access.

 

[kirillbledny]

You can write more than one suicide note. I am definitely certain the cop would take one. You can keep one near you when you CTB (The cops would take that) and another one in a secluded area where your loved one or your friend would have access.

Yeah that's a good idea actually. I'd probably write one that's less personal for the cops, just factually describing what happened and it was my choice to take an overdose etc.

 

[rottenbeing]

I was thinking something similar, hotel room, one note on me. My suicide note is really angry and does blame the people in my family who hurt and traumatized me. I actually keep going back and forth on it, because I simply cannot bring myself to write a loving, forgiving note since that's so fake, so I thought maybe it's best to not say anything... It's complicated. I was also thinking of leaving a USB with the note on my table at home. I was reading through the suicide bereavement reddit page and it doesn't seem to make much difference regarding hurt on whether there is or isn't a note. Some people even wrote they never had the courage to read their loved ones note, so I think wow what's even the point.

I also think about the person who's gonna find me, I'm not doing it at home because I'd be found quickly and traumatise them, but the truth is that someone will be traumatised either way, even if I go into the woods.

I wish I didn't care that much but I suppose I want to be understood. If I didn't gaf I could just do it whenever, wherever.

Tysm for this reply, it's very helpful!!

Yeah, I can see how you would feel that the letter would sound fake. If they intentionally hurt you and did something unforgivable that traumatized you, I think you can decide to shun them in your letter or not. It is up to you.

For me, my parents have neglected me since childhood leaving me with many issues. All they did was blame and shame me. But they tried to support too as it all went down. So it's complicated. But as for me they didn't intentionally want to harm me. I think it is due to them being human and making mistakes. But their mistakes left me irreparably ruined. I guess I will forgive them and won't name them. If they had intentionally hurt me and traumatized me, I'd probably name them.
I deal with so much self-hatred. So, blaming and villainizing myself in the note wouldn't be so hard for me. Hey, I will take that win.

Regarding the note, if the bereaved family at least have the option of looking at the note, it would provide some semblance of closure. It is up to them whether they read it or not. Some might prefer to have a note to read. For me personally, I would leave a note.

I also think about the person who's gonna find me, I'm not doing it at home because I'd be found quickly and traumatise them, but the truth is that someone will be traumatised either way, even if I go into the woods.

Yeah, I feel extremely sorry for them. We could probably leave a note at the door of the room to call the cops. But I am worried if I leave a note at the door, the staff would find it too soon and disrupt my plans.
So, someone is going to find us anyhow and be traumatized.
I'd probably leave one note for the hotel near my suicide note. Probably instructing them to call the cops and some extra money for the hotel. I'd have to leave my dad's number there too. So that they can reach to him and not have to go through the hassle of finding my contacts and stuffs.

 

[unluckysadness]

It bothers me too, but it's something we cannot avoid with commiting suicide. If you're a good person and not a criminal, you shouldn't worry too much. They must investigate for every non-natural death, but remember this : we are not celebrities and cops don't give a shit about us. They must do their job, write a report and they will work on another case after that. But even with a natural death, they will do an autopsy and investigate (for example if you die from cardiac arrest). Assisted suicide should really be available everywhere, so there is just a death certificate and no problems with autopsy or cops investigation.

 

[kirillbledny]

It bothers me too, but it's something we cannot avoid with commiting suicide. If you're a good person and not a criminal, you shouldn't worry too much. They must investigate for every non-natural death, but remember this : we are not celebrities and cops don't give a shit about us. They must do their job, write a report and they will work on another case after that. But even with a natural death, they will do an autopsy and investigate (for example if you die from cardiac arrest). Assisted suicide should really be available everywhere, so there is just a death certificate and no problems with autopsy or cops investigation.

I agree with the assisted suicide part.

My uncle died of natural causes (cardiac arrest I believe) 2 years ago, and they had to do an autopsy even tho he had long teem issues with his heart and even took medication for it, it actually surprised me because I thought they'd just treat it as obvious. The autopsy also makes me uncomfortable, but hey at least I won't be there for it. It's just a part of suicide I suppose, take it or leave it

 

[unluckysadness]

I agree with the assisted suicide part.

My uncle died of natural causes (cardiac arrest I believe) 2 years ago, and they had to do an autopsy even tho he had long teem issues with his heart and even took medication for it, it actually surprised me because I thought they'd just treat it as obvious. The autopsy also makes me uncomfortable, but hey at least I won't be there for it. It's just a part of suicide I suppose, take it or leave it

Autopsy is quite logical because your uncle (RIP) could have been killed with some poison in his food (or maybe I watched too much Columbo episodes lol)

 

[kirillbledny]

Autopsy is quite logical because your uncle (RIP) could have been killed with some poison in his food (or maybe I watched too much Columbo episodes lol)

Yeah, he died while sleeping and his wife woke up next to him in the morning. I thought it was quite gruesome that despite him being clearly dead for hours prior, the EMS told her over the phone to try to resuscitate him anyway. I can't imagine how hopeless she felt in that moment.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Do you know/can you recommend any? The only other thing I can think of is physically smashing my PC but the internet is forever so I'm sure they'll be able to dig through my stuff even if the device itself is destroyed. I also don't know the extent of the investigation (would they really go through my emails, my messages, my social media accounts if it's obvious suicide with SN?). I read the post by COP2CON on here about the law enforcement procedures, I'm not from the US but I'm assuming the procedure is more or less the same.

I knew couple of years ago when i used it to replace my phone with a new one. So, i didn't want my data to be discovered. I'll have to clean my apps data also.
I'll have to search for the apps that are being used for this in 2026
I'll have to search for the apps that are being used for this in 2026