Panic disorder and SN

[chrisbate7]

I've had my SN and trimmings for 1 month. I want to drink it this weekend, I feel like I'm on the verge of having to go to the psych ward again, which I really won't do. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. My panic and fear gets so high the minute I start planning in detail on when and where to drink the SN.
I don't want to die, but I do believe I NEED to die. How do I overcome this? I feel like confessing my plan to my wife every time I see her. God this sucks

 

[Symbiote]

What relaxing things you like to do? Like take your mind off the suicide for now, the SN will always be there as a safety net. Like me, I'm gonna be indulging in sushi and biking in the forest before I go. I want to shed the stress of the world and leave that behind before I go.

 

[chrisbate7]

I guess I'm just stuck feeling so guilty about leaving my wife and kids and having to continue to live in this personal hell. I believe I have akathisia. I am so restless and can't calm down almost the entire day, everyday. So relaxing is really out of the question for me

 

[rvsw]

Like me maybe you will become numb to suffering. I also had similar queries but suffering will get you there I guess.., understand what you are going through

 

[chrisbate7]

Like me maybe you will become numb to suffering. I also had similar queries but suffering will get you there I guess.., understand what you are going through

So you're saying you can continue to live then? Or you're still going to CTB?

 

[rvsw]

Ctb when numb

 

[longingforfreedom]

I've had my SN and trimmings for 1 month. I want to drink it this weekend, I feel like I'm on the verge of having to go to the psych ward again, which I really won't do. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. My panic and fear gets so high the minute I start planning in detail on when and where to drink the SN.
I don't want to die, but I do believe I NEED to die. How do I overcome this? I feel like confessing my plan to my wife every time I see her. God this sucks

I so understand. I don't want to die either, but it feels like the only way out. I tried to leave in September and now I'm worse than I was before. Wish I wouldn't have called for help. Probably would have died. Not peacefully (it was scary) , but gone.