Venting Pain for the sake of it

[NewtBoy]

I recently had all my wisdom teeth removed, and despite my best efforts to follow post-procedure protocol, I believe I've developed dry socket, which basically just means I somehow didn't develop a blood clot on top of one of the holes and now have exposed bone/nerve in that area. This produces an aching/soreness and enduring pain like I've never felt, and going back to work this week has been awful, especially since I can't take any of the stronger painkillers that I've been given. An older annoying coworker, being nosy as usual, asks me about the procedure and I tell him about the dry socket. He says "did they give you oxy?". I say "yeah" (despite the fact it's hydrocodone, who really cares about the difference honestly). Horrified, he reacts "Don't put that shit in your body! Haven't you seen the movie Platoon?? Take the pain!!!".

All of this to say, is something wrong with me that I absolutely DO NOT want to "take the pain"? I'm passively suicidal most of the time, but having to work with this truly makes me wanna ctb. Can most people simply grit it out through shit like this? I know there are people out there who have it so much worse than I do, and a lot of them seem happy. Is there just something so developmentally wrong with me that makes me want to give up?

I can't complain too much about my childhood, but I certainly don't think I had it extremely easy. My parents physically punished me, my dad was a huge exercise nut and had me working out, running, lifting to the point of exhaustion from around the age of 9, I competed in multiple contact sports throughout middle and high school, frequently dislocating either of my shoulders. I would lie about the severity of these instances and continue through the day/season with no pushback.

I guess my logical conclusion of all this is…. What's the point? I've taken the pain in a lot of instances, and it really hasn't gotten me anywhere. It really NEVER gets easier. This extends to my mental health and general position in society. My brain tells me that I'm worthless and don't deserve anything, yet I persist. I hate my job, and I have almost zero chance at a future where I'm not scraping by financially, yet I persist. Why am I persisting? Is it because of the minuscule chance that if I take enough pain, try hard enough, do enough, that things might be better than I could possibly imagine? No, I don't think so at least. I know how low that chance is. If I think I'm that lucky I might as well go bet everything on black, but that's not how people live their lives.

What's even more worrying is the dread of things getting worse. Sure, there is a small chance that things will get better for a while. But even in this best case scenario I eventually have to watch my pets die, attend my parents' funerals, and grow old and diseased, all of my physical pain and ailments slowly getting worse before I join my loved ones in death. This is what I'll be rewarded with for my struggle? More pain?

I guess my conclusion comes to the fact that, goddamn, I am very jealous of all you religious people out there. Being able to justify all the pain would really bring my experience on Earth full circle. The idea that a time of pain leads to everlasting joy, to be reunited with the souls of our loved ones. What a great notion.

What a ramble. Thank you for reading this far if you did, I honestly really appreciate it. I value this place a lot for the ability to rant like this without too much judgement.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I also value this place, where people can say things that would usually get a person dragged away to a therapist or something. I just wanted to say, I'm religious but exist in raw pain. I'm completely miserable. I admit there is a form of solace in that the "corporate logo" so to speak of my church is our founder nailed to a torture device, condemned to die, suffering, bleeding, humiliated. I look at that and feel, sometimes, in a way, connected. Separate from that... in the past few years I've come to enjoy and crave pain. I deserve it. I embrace it. I would happily take your pain from you if I could. But nothing is wrong with you for not wanting pain, that's the normal response.

 

[NewtBoy]

I also value this place, where people can say things that would usually get a person dragged away to a therapist or something. I just wanted to say, I'm religious but exist in raw pain. I'm completely miserable. I admit there is a form of solace in that the "corporate logo" so to speak of my church is our founder nailed to a torture device, condemned to die, suffering, bleeding, humiliated. I look at that and feel, sometimes, in a way, connected. Separate from that... in the past few years I've come to enjoy and crave pain. I deserve it. I embrace it. I would happily take your pain from you if I could. But nothing is wrong with you for not wanting pain, that's the normal response.

Thanks for the reply! I'm glad you find solace in the imagery and ideology of the crucifixion. Outside of my scientific reasons for non-belief, I don't think I could bring myself to worship a God that permits this kind of suffering and misery.

The way you say that I "don't want pain" makes me think I need a better phrasing for my idea; I know there's nothing unusual about me for "not wanting" pain, but societal consensus seems to be that I am just COMPLETELY insane for looking at this pain, acknowledging my future of inevitable pain, and wanting out of the game. It completely invalidates the notion that I've logically concluded that the pain isn't worth it. This is why I brought up the people who are worse off than me, yet happier, or vice versa. Does my pain simply… feel worse? Does their joy and pleasure in life shine that much brighter than mine, that their material conditions could be worse, yet they come to nearly opposite conclusions as me when it comes to life and happiness? I mean, the idea that I'm even posting this would lead most people I know to calling authorities, hospitalizing me, getting me new medication. But that's a response for dangerous people, people that are in active danger of harming themselves or others, and I'm just not in that position. Not to say that I've never been in danger of harming myself in an emotional episode, but I feel very level-headed in this conclusion that I've made, which is why reactions like that confuse me.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Ok, I had missed the nuance of what you were saying. I've never thought of it like that before.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wonder if that guy would take his own advice if he were in pain. I also agree that people seem more willing to put up with it if there is reason to. If there are other things in life that still make it worthwhile. Why should we accept pain on top of everything else though? I don't think I'd be willing to.