Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
Another flare of symptoms and I'm back here posting instead of recovery... that was a very brief stint of hope 
It hurts so, so much. It has taken over my whole world again as it flares and rages and tears through my body and brain. Nobody around me really understands. I very rarely cry these days but it's actually brought me to inconsolable tears many times over the last few days. Too sore and tired to do anything constructive save plan my final way out of all this crap. Must it be like this forever?
I wish I could be numb, for my pain receptors just to fizzle out from overuse. Sometimes I drink to achieve a near-numbness that doesn't reach deep or last long enough. Tonight I have gone through boxes of old medication and have taken a couple each of several different pain meds, desperately hoping that they combine to give me at least a few hours of relief...
I want to be numb. Both body numbness and emotional numbness, for the lack of care and compassion from my "nearest and dearest" and medical professionals has been just as painful as the physical onslaught.
All the numbness. All the dead.
If I'm numb in body and mind, I might as well be dead!
I keep thinking about where I should be, where I would've been if it wasn't for this mysterious illness. I'm falling behind before I even got a chance to catch up!
Sorry to splurge so publicly; maybe it's the pain, maybe it's the meds, maybe it's the utter sense of hopelessness and helplessness, or a combination of all three. I just can't take it anymore.
I want out.
It hurts so, so much. It has taken over my whole world again as it flares and rages and tears through my body and brain. Nobody around me really understands. I very rarely cry these days but it's actually brought me to inconsolable tears many times over the last few days. Too sore and tired to do anything constructive save plan my final way out of all this crap. Must it be like this forever?
I wish I could be numb, for my pain receptors just to fizzle out from overuse. Sometimes I drink to achieve a near-numbness that doesn't reach deep or last long enough. Tonight I have gone through boxes of old medication and have taken a couple each of several different pain meds, desperately hoping that they combine to give me at least a few hours of relief...
I want to be numb. Both body numbness and emotional numbness, for the lack of care and compassion from my "nearest and dearest" and medical professionals has been just as painful as the physical onslaught.
All the numbness. All the dead.
If I'm numb in body and mind, I might as well be dead!
I keep thinking about where I should be, where I would've been if it wasn't for this mysterious illness. I'm falling behind before I even got a chance to catch up!
Sorry to splurge so publicly; maybe it's the pain, maybe it's the meds, maybe it's the utter sense of hopelessness and helplessness, or a combination of all three. I just can't take it anymore.
I want out.
