Help Overcoming shame and regret. I want to be better. I want to change.

[Spite]

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I have many regrets. A lot of my problems are self-inflicted as a consequence of the bad decisions I have made. I've definitely had my fair share of worst moments that I am not proud of at all. Some of my regrets are so bad I've wanted to kill myself because of it.

And I've been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trudging through feelings of guilt, shame and regret. I also... don't want to give up. Deep down, in my heart, I do not want to resort to committing suicide. I want to try and get better before I commit to ending my life, and hopefully it never comes to that.

I have my inner demons that I have to fight, every single day. It's very difficult, and I struggle a lot. I wish nothing more than to go back in time and fix everything; to make the right decisions, make the right choices, and truly appreciate the things that I once had.

How can I let go of all the hate that I have in my heart? How do I put an end to my self-hatred? How do I absolve myself of my evil thoughts? How can I stop crying when I ruminate over the times where I've messed up in the past? How can I redeem myself? How do I take the right steps towards finding my inner peace, forgiving myself, and striving toward being a better person?

I don't want to admit defeat. I want to change.

Our time in this life is finite. For all we know, this is our one and only life. Nobody truly knows if there is any continued existence after this life. No matter what happens, I'd rather spend my life knowing I tried to do good, and that I made a conscious effort in striving to be better, than wallow in my own self-hatred and humiliation... even if it all means nothing in the end.

I am truly sorry to everyone I have ever hurt and/or disappointed.

 

[I Me & Myself]

In my experience chasing absolvement is usually fruitless. As someone who's made their fair share of mistakes and has people who haven't forgiven me - It's tough. If you try to find the one thing that will finally absolve you, you'll just end up being disapointed when you realise it doesn't work. Because there is no one thing.

I try to remind myself that making mistakes is actually part of life and it made me who I am. It all comes back to accepting yourself for who you are and recognising that maybe you deserve to be okay.

It's not as simple as deciding "Welp, I shouldn't feel guilty for that" it's a long long process or preventing a repeat of the mistakes you Made and accepting support when you get it.

For me the hardest part is internalising that making mistakes does not make you undeserving of anything.