Over 35? 40? 50? 60?.... Can share?

[davidtorez]

44 m Australia. Chronic arthritis and tendonosis brought me to the point I want to ctb. Almost every joint in my body has been affected. The only reason I'm hanging on is so that I can finally get married this year to my lovely fiancee . I'm waiting for her visa to be approved. If her visa isnt approved and were not able to be together then it'll be my time to ctb. I'll have nothing left to keep me here at that point

 

[metfan647]

44 m Australia. Chronic arthritis and tendonosis brought me to the point I want to ctb. Almost every joint in my body has been affected. The only reason I'm hanging on is so that I can finally get married this year to my lovely fiancee . I'm waiting for her visa to be approved. If her visa isnt approved and were not able to be together then it'll be my time to ctb. I'll have nothing left to keep me here at that point

Sorry to read that man. Have you developed tendinosis in multiple areas? I seem to have and most of it is very inexplicable. No traumatic injuries, just very active life that suddenly became sedentary then boom. I wonder if there's something sinister going on with my immune system. Blood tests came back fine though.

 

[davidtorez]

Sorry to read that man. Have you developed tendinosis in multiple areas? I seem to have and most of it is very inexplicable. No traumatic injuries, just very active life that suddenly became sedentary then boom. I wonder if there's something sinister going on with my immune system. Blood tests came back fine though.

Almost identical to my situation. I did blood tests to find out if it was rheumatoid arthritis but came back negative. I was also very active in my younger years with martial arts etc, so now I have developed arthritis in my right knee. Tendonosis in both my Achilles tendons. Arthritis in my left knuckle and arthritis in both my big toes. Sometimes both my elbows flare up with tendonitis as well. I'm over it. I cant enjoy life and I cant work much because of it as well.

 

[metfan647]

Almost identical to my situation. I did blood tests to find out if it was rheumatoid arthritis but came back negative. I was also very active in my younger years with martial arts etc, so now I have developed arthritis in my right knee. Tendonosis in both my Achilles tendons. Arthritis in my left knuckle and arthritis in both my big toes. Sometimes both my elbows flare up with tendonitis as well. I'm over it. I cant enjoy life and I cant work much because of it as well.

I've been trying to eliminate inflammatory-causing food etc. and stress factors for ages now in the hope that it helps but nothing. This chronic tendonitis/tendonosis is literally at every joint, even my big toe and in my thumbs. My right shoulder is the worst, had an ultrasound and there's burstitis and calcification. Tried rehab multiple times but just no more fight in me.

 

[ruinofmaking]

40, struggles with mental health throughout my life and multiple times I have realized I would be better off dead (or more accurately, everyone else would be better off if I were dead). American by birth, left the country as alternative to ctb.

I have actually gotten really good at starting over, but it just hurts so fucking much anytime it isn't on my terms (and it rarely is) and I don't actually like doing it? I also miss the people I leave behind EXCEPT that they are definitely better off without me.

This time, I actually had been thinking like, oh, this is it, this is when I'm learning how to actually be a healthy person in other peoples lives and I am changing and I'm growing. I'd had more mental health access in the past 3 years than probably any point since I was 21 or so combined. I know medications can be a challenge and I was having a lot of issues with them, but I still thought it was like, progress.

And then I lost my job and I have to start over again after a period of time and the reason I lost my job...felt a little like it was my lack of ability to conform correctly 100% of the time, even if I have increased the percentage quite a bit. But it doesn't ultimately matter, because it never does.

How many times should one find themselves in this position before they get the message?

 

[raybd]

44 m Australia. Chronic arthritis and tendonosis brought me to the point I want to ctb. Almost every joint in my body has been affected. The only reason I'm hanging on is so that I can finally get married this year to my lovely fiancee . I'm waiting for her visa to be approved. If her visa isnt approved and were not able to be together then it'll be my time to ctb. I'll have nothing left to keep me here at that point

I can particularly sympathize on tendonosis. It's very poorly studied compared to many other sub-fields in medicine. If you have it real bad, they - no matter you go to the best places in the world - even Mayo or Johns-Hopkins in the US, they can't do too much. The science isn't there yet.
I'm stuck in a different kind of medical no-man's land myself.
As for getting a visa - I don't know how it works in Oz or if your gal is already in the country, but, if it works like the US, you could do a few things to bolster the case - talk to your congressman's office, assemble proof how your gal would be productive to the community or even help you as a care-giver - or is even helping you already and such. Then it will only be a question of waiting for your appointment date but there won't be a doubt about the visa. This is based on my earlier work with the local center for new immigrants and refugees (run from a local Reform Jewish temple but non-religious and a Federal program in reality - don't know if it exists anymore with this lot in power). It used to amaze people fresh off the boat how many facilities were available to help them settle and get on with life.

 

[exhaustedgolfcat]

32f, diagnosed BPD
given up on ever finding love and acceptance. i function fine but i haven't been truly happy since i was 15. i don't dare ctb yet but don't want to live and wish almost every day that i died

 

[Jamesbond]

I'm guessing you're in the uk, this post is relatable to me, M 42, had bipolar 2 for many years now. Was first on antidepressants when I was 12/13,
About 7/8 years ago I was having an episode and my mom rang the police for a well being check. I'd sent her a message saying I was suicidal. Instead of helping me I was arrested for malicious communications. Held in custody for 24 hours, and bailed. I walked home and ended up setting fire to my arms and legs. I've not left my house since besides being hospitalised for having seizures and losing my speech.
My parents got a solicitor and I was awarded compensation that was put in a trust, and it's just added more stress because I'm dependent on the dwp I feel like I'm under scrutiny constantly. I wish I'd never got it and I've not spent a penny of it on myself.
I rarely open my curtains now and I've become so paranoid if I hear a car door slam outside I'm expecting my door to go through again and be arrested
I made a conscious decision about 2 months ago to end my life. I've given away all of my possessions, I've got the tent set up and the burner full of coal ready.
There is fuck all help for mental health. Even when I've been to hospital with gaping wounds from cutting, they say "how are you feeling" I will openly say suicidal, and they send me home with the promise of visits that never materialise.
I lost my speech after suffering seizures probably 3 years ago or more. I recieved 2 letters on the same day about it and nothing since. One offered me an appointment at the local hospital, the other was to say my appointment was cancelled.
Since I've bought the stuff to end my life it's the first time in years my anxiety isn't ruling me.

 

[raybd]

As a bona fide old timer on this site... I'm surprised by how long this thread's gotten... the longest I think of the 9-10 threads I started on here in 6 years... I guess it was meaningful to poll the site for the not-that-young cohort...
Apart from just not being depressed but just seeing that I'm medically stuck and that's that... I also am quite busy, allowing for health and other material displacements. Still trying to get useful things done, and perhaps will till the moment of.
I had set a time for January but picked up an injury 2 days out... February for various reasons was a blur, like it is to so many... but, I would like to be productive until say a couple of hours of the fasting may be?
So, how is it with all you guys posting here? Many do seem sad and in pain... how is work and life productivity and all that...

 

[Jamesbond]

As a bona fide old timer on this site... I'm surprised by how long this thread's gotten... the longest I think of the 9-10 threads I started on here in 6 years... I guess it was meaningful to poll the site for the not-that-young cohort...
Apart from just not being depressed but just seeing that I'm medically stuck and that's that... I also am quite busy, allowing for health and other material displacements. Still trying to get useful things done, and perhaps will till the moment of.
I had set a time for January but picked up an injury 2 days out... February for various reasons was a blur, like it is to so many... but, I would like to be productive until say a couple of hours of the fasting may be?
So, how is it with all you guys posting here? Many do seem sad and in pain... how is work and life productivity and all that...

I can't help reading a lot of stuff on here thinking people are just playing the system. Maybe I'm wrong. Posts advertising how to lie to hospitals etc. just don't see how it benefits them or anyone else who needs that place in the hospital. Maybe I'm just too old and too tired to deal with it.

 

[itsgone2]

65 .Waiting for the balls to just do it instead of just thinking and talking about it all the time,

seeing 65 scared me. I don't want to be around then. Not in this world.
52, m, us. I was stupid and made too many bad choices. Bad luck too. Twice I've worked for great companies that were eventually sold. I've changed. I was becoming a better person. What's the point now? Society just screws you anyway. And gets colder and more cruel. I hate myself and this world.

 

[knowledgeseeking]

41. Trauma from losing my partner

 

[mrwagnerfan]

I am 36. Have suffered from lifelong issues with forming romantic attachments and I'm a virgin. I'm the outside I look great, with friends and a good career. On the inside I have crippling mental illness since I was a teen and trauma from childhood. Have been in therapy or taking prescribed medications for decades but nothing seems to help.

 

[davidtorez]

I can particularly sympathize on tendonosis. It's very poorly studied compared to many other sub-fields in medicine. If you have it real bad, they - no matter you go to the best places in the world - even Mayo or Johns-Hopkins in the US, they can't do too much. The science isn't there yet.
I'm stuck in a different kind of medical no-man's land myself.
As for getting a visa - I don't know how it works in Oz or if your gal is already in the country, but, if it works like the US, you could do a few things to bolster the case - talk to your congressman's office, assemble proof how your gal would be productive to the community or even help you as a care-giver - or is even helping you already and such. Then it will only be a question of waiting for your appointment date but there won't be a doubt about the visa. This is based on my earlier work with the local center for new immigrants and refugees (run from a local Reform Jewish temple but non-religious and a Federal program in reality - don't know if it exists anymore with this lot in power). It used to amaze people fresh off the boat how many facilities were available to help them settle and get on with life.

Thank you for this reply. I appreciate it.

 

[curiousgeorgette]

Just turned 36, live in LA.

My reason is that I was in a relationship with a brilliant, handsome, sensitive, romantic, hilarious, insanely talented and fun partner that ended because I had a drug-induced manic episode 7 months ago (never happened to me before that in my life). It made him lose his romantic and sexual attraction to me to see me in that state. I was the first person he ever loved, first serious relationship, and he often told me and others he wanted to marry me. He said it in the sweetest, most touching ways that made me feel deeply loved. I heard from several people actually that he was getting ready to propose right before the manic episode happened. Our relationship was dream-level romantic and we loved being together all the time, which I know is uncommon. He's a celebrity in the entertainment industry, so I got to quit my job and we traveled the world together all the time. First class! Doing really fun and stimulating things literally every day with other incredible artists, sleeping in as late as I wanted, sharing a beautiful home, not worrying about money for the first time in my life, being spoiled with whatever I wanted. He has so many amazing friends all over this city and the world that I have lost access to now. I see them on billboards or hear them on the radio all the time and feel the pain of their absence, on top of missing him. I had sooooo much fun with him and loved him so much. HIs life is absolutely incredible and sharing it with him was bliss, magic, unbelievable, beyond my wildest dreams. I really can't imagine a better life than his, it was perfect to me. I can't get over the stupid way I lost him and I can't stand my life now compared to what it was with him. I also can't stand knowing I will never be remotely close to that happy again, and knowing I will never love someone nearly as much as him because he is so total package and singular. I think about him and memories of our life together literally every waking moment and sometimes in my dreams too. I don't want to forget any of it even though it tortures me knowing it's over. It hurts to see him with people we used to be with together, places we used to go to together that were so special. And I don't want to just get used to leading an unhappy, mundane life and settling for someone I don't love as much as I am (still) in love with him.

41. Trauma from losing my partner

I'm so sorry, that's the boat I'm in too and definitely the word to use to describe the pain of that loss.

 

[fightclub17]

Mid 30's. Australia. Had insomnia and antidepressant induced akathisia. Jumped 8 stories. Broke nearly every bone in my body. I'm in recovery - but riddled with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I am not the same person I was a year ago...

 

[Lost Impact]

34 soon. I am schizophrenic among other mental and health issues and it gets worse and worse. Was finally going to start seeing a doctor but I can't afford it. I am incredibly lonely and fear and lash out at everything around me. I ruin all my relationships and I can't do anything without some pain. I have no education and can't work. Something like me shouldn't exist at all.

 

[iset]

40-something, female, Europe, diagnosed cPTSD and ED.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'm 36 and looking forward to year 37. No matter how bad things seem to get for me, there is always that moment in the end where whatever I touch turns to gold. And I'm here for it.

 

[Jamesbond]

I'm 36 and looking forward to year 37. No matter how bad things seem to get for me, there is always that moment in the end where whatever I touch turns to gold. And I'm here for it.

Then why are you on a suicide website if everything is so positive for you.

 

[Daphne]

In my mid 50's, have CTB ideation because despite my efforts to live a normal life, I've failed in just about every way possible. Figured out late I'm on the autism spectrum after being disowned by my mother a few years ago for being a "bad child", so that sheds some light on why I have a hard time.
As I've gotten older, I don't have the energy or will to mask much and that elusive light at the end of the tunnel is pretty dim.
As it is, I'm technically homeless with no income and living with friends. Of course this is not sustainable long term and the U.S. state I live in has few resources for the poor and disabled.
So CTB seems logical in my case.

 

[U. A.]

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[Seneca65AD]

60, North America. Long standing depression and anxiety issues. The latest impetus to CTB was due to financial struggles, which objectively were idiotic. Similar to the analogy of a person killing themselves because they can't afford a Gulfstream G5 and the family has to fly commercial. Only thing keeping me around is my wife and daughter. Outwardly successful with my own business. Inwardly trying to hold it together - some days are easier than others.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

Newcomer to the site, old hand at the bus stop. 50+ in NYC, trauma from childhood abuse broke my mental/emotional systems and bad choices over the years made it worse. First attempt at 22, most recent about 18 months ago. I spent some time in Toowoomba/Cabarlah, with a brief trip to Melbourne, Brisbane and Sydney, but I was pished out of my gourd most of the time, and of course, very depressed. Even the kangaroos refused to be around me. Me and my mates started calling the sheep 'white wooly roos' because we wanted to see the real ones before we went back to Hawai'i.

 

[LetMeOut67]

58
UK
Long term severe depression and chronic social isolation almost certainly autistic too

 

[gottacheckout]

Then why are you on a suicide website if everything is so positive for you.

Last I heard this is a pro choice website, calling it a s****** website just plays into the hands of those who would like to close it down. There is even a section for those that are in recovery.

People have all kinds of reasons to be here and as long as they follow the rules they are welcomed.

 

[raybd]

[Hidden content]

It's got to do with the way the front page to the site works. All the action is in the newest threads? Because it is by definition a short-term purpose driven site? Like people are close to CTB then get on here? Unlike a knitting group or an archery group, which has long-term purpose and interest? There might be various groups or threads - but by and large are buried... a digital ghettoisation if you will.
And no, as you may see in my various posts over the years - I've been on this site only briefly in 3 different stretches of time, correlating with each health emergency of mine, with 2-3 year gaps between each. I survived the first two, though it seemed doubtful. This time, it sure is the big bus to Disneyland. So, the id is old but as the post count shows, it's 3 slices of time in 6 years than 6 years per se. Which kind of tracks with the short-term interest of the site?

Last I heard this is a pro choice website, calling it a s****** website just plays into the hands of those who would like to close it down. There is even a section for those that are in recovery.

People have all kinds of reasons to be here and as long as they follow the rules they are welcomed.

Amen.
And now my 2c: A lot of people here want to CTB mostly due to mental trauma, depression and so forth. And from what they recount, solutions - like more time, more effort - seem to be available. Some seem to quit too soon in these instant-gratification times. This might be what I think, but, this is all subjective, and I have to keep quiet as others live their lives as they see fit and not criticize or support. As long as there is no malfeasance involved, people should always get to do what they want. Whose life is it anyway?

 

[TAW122]

I'm in my mid 30's and honestly sometimes I am surprised that I even endured sentience for so long, over three and a half decades of existence. There may have been some pleasurable points throughout sentience, but overall overshadowed by just the constant dread of existence and I have many times throughout my adult life planned to CTB. I'm only around until the right time and circumstance align and then I will go through with it.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

50 Netherlands
Bpd, chronic depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD.
I really don't want to die. But I think about it every day. But I can't, responsibilities weigh more for me.

I just wish I wasn't this crippling lonely.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Your 30s are fascinating because famous and successful people start being younger than you. You stop thinking you're young and realize you're just bad. You became who you're gonna be and it's not impressive.