Ordered SN and planning suicide

[YourWayOrMine]

I won't lie I was really hesitant on buying it because what if I decide to chicken out and I did all of this for no reason? I'm also terrified of surviving my attempt because I don't want to go back to the psych ward again and deal with my family smothering me. But at the same time, the idea of ending it all brings me so much peace. In fact, after I ordered it I felt so powerful. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I've finally found a solution to all my problems.
I've been planning the 'occasion' for a while, and now it feels so real. When somebody does find my body, I really don't want to look like pale, blue lipped shit. I don't know if this is weird or not, but I want to wear a nice dress and put some makeup on before I die so I'm not. I've started writing my suicide note and I made a playlist of the songs I'm gonna listen to when I do it (and of course there's gonna be Wallows songs on it).
It's crazy that I've been fantasizing this moment for the longest time and in the near future it'll be time to bring it to fruition.

 

[thethatsitboy]

I ordered my SN today. I don't know if I'm reaaly gonna do it, not really planned a day. But probably will. When I ordered it felt tense, but at the same time I felt in control of my situation. I loved the dressing and makeup idea!

 

[MsMaudlin]

I have a special dress for when I CTB, and a Chanel red lipstick.
It's good to think ahead.
❤

 

[YourWayOrMine]

I have a special dress for when I CTB, and a Chanel red lipstick.
It's good to think ahead.
❤

Ooo! That'll be lovely

 

[got2beFionaC]

i've had SN on my list for a few days now. i don't know why but i'm so hesitant to order it. but i can't think of anything else..

 

[YourWayOrMine]

i've had SN on my list for a few days now. i don't know why but i'm so hesitant to order it. but i can't think of anything else..

Yeah, I get how you feel. A day after I ordered it I was thinking of cancelling it but I decided not to.