Discussion one small thing could've changed my predicament... anyone else?

[unbelievablydead]

my ex-therapist says it ocd, but i think it's just pure regret. i made a really big mistake a few months back, and i keep on thinking, if just one thing had gone differently, i would've been ok...

there's a part of me that thinks maybe i was meant to ctb because of what happened, but it's sad nonetheless.

 

[inprosperus]

Yeah. I feel similarly, in some ways. Not that I'd be okay if I had forgone that one decision/mistake, since I've always been doing pretty bad - but I think I wouldn't be to the point of hopelessness that I've reached now. It feels strange do have gone on so long doing bad, my baseline being depression and suicidal ideation for almost 15 years now, and somehow... it's like that thing is the thing that will end up making me CTB.

Ultimately I think my situation is different in that I think I would have reached this point eventually and that decision just made me realize how hopeless my life was. That realization was going to happen regardless of that event, just maybe a little later. In that sense, maybe it's a good thing. It's giving me slightly less to look back on and think "I tried so hard to pretend life was for me, that I could be 'normal', and got nothing out of it".

Anyways. Crazy how one decision makes everything feel permanent. Good luck to you.