Venting One more reason to go (NSFW)

[Ijustcantanymore]

People keep telling me to keep finding reasons to stay. Not understanding that for every hard to find reason to stay. I find 5 to GTFO here. Today being no different.

This will be TMI for some probably, i apologize.

Stop here if you don't want to read about sex or non hetero sexuality.
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I've never been conventional attractive. I was maybe cute when I was younger and still had hope. But as I've gotten older, I've gotten uglier. It's just the way of things. I've also gotten fatter.

And for gay men, those are two big no no's. I have found gay/queer men to be some of the shallowest creatures alive. And I say that when straight men exist. But its true. Vapid and shallow are the great queens of rainbowland. Obsessed with either looks or dick size because that's all their brains have room for. And I say that as a member of their group. It's truly awful. I'm sure not all queer men are like that but it has been my only experience with them my whole life. So it's all I have as a point of reference.

Lately I have been going through a sexual surge. It happens to me from time to time. I become hypersexual. So far it's been going 4 days and in that time I have masturbated 10 times. No exaggeration. My body hurts. Parts of my are raw. It's fucking awful. I have no control over my body.

So what do I do? I download grindr. Or as I like to call it, "self flagellation". Because every time I go on there to find some relief all I ever am is rejected. I'm either too fat or not fat enough. I'm too old or not old enough. Or because I'm poor. Or because I have mental health problems.

I usually end up just deleting the app and hating myself more than I did before because time and time again, I am declared sexually worthless to the only group of men I can choose from. Even though, you would be pressed to find a more desperate obedient slut than me.

They like my face, but as soon as they see the belly. Poof they are gone. And it's not just preference. It goes beyond that. Queer men are mean about it. They will go out of their way to make you feel gross and to question how you could even have the audacity to approach someone of their looks. Like all I wanna do is suck a dick my guy, not be your one and only. Not sure how my belly or my social security check affects my ability to suck a dick. But whatever.

I have a partner. But my sex drive, even in general, is way higher than his. And he is not very adventurous. But I love him and that's why we're together. He gave me permission to satisfy my needs when he cannot with other men.

So today I was on grindr as one does to torture themselves with hope. And lo and behold a guy is actually interested in me. He likes the fat. Doesn't care that I'm poor or have wicked social anxiety. And we're having a good time and then I find out he's a "feeder". Men who like to get other men fatter. Well I'm already fat. And diabetic. His kink will literally kill me. And then I realize that's why he engaged with me. The only reason. To make me bigger. No other sexual interest in me.

I try to indulge him. I send him pics of me eating food. I'm just so desperate for male attention because I have practically none in my life what so ever. No male friends. Straight or otherwise. I crave male bonding and companionship. I have my whole fucking life. And it's just never happened.

But with every indulgence for him. I feel worse. And I can feel my sugar spiking. And I realized that I can't do this. And it's the only thing he wants. I had already ghosted him out of anxiety earlier today, but when I went back on he messaged me again and we talked. But he really wants to do this feeder shit. And I just can't, not with diabetes. If I was thinner and could stand to gain the pounds I would be like fine sure. I have a low enough self respect to get fat if it will make a guy like me.

But I just can't. And I think to myself. If I dismiss his biggest interest, he'll just drop me like a hot potato anyway. So I ghosted him agan. Deleted my Grindr. Again.

And now I'm just miserable with the realization that society has deemed me too ugly to fuck. Too poor. Too mentally unhealthy. I'm not worthy to even suck a dick I guess. And the only men who will ever want me are the ones who want me to be even bigger and uglier.

And it's just now really hitting me. How hideous I really am. I mean after years of abuse, I look old. My skin is old and blemished. I'm 35 and my hair is turning white from stress. I have a huge belly because my body does not distribute fat well.

I am a disgusting monster. And that means men will never notice me. Ever. Only the ones that want to make me bigger and kill me. I should have been slutting around and having fun in my 20's. But I was too busy being abused by my mother.

Now I'm in my 30's. Chronically depressed. Constant fatigue. And just...ugly as fuck. I understand why no one wants me. Hell, i'd even accept someone needing to put a bag over my head and just treating me like a hole for an hour. Just to feel desired.

It's not the same with my partner. He wants me because he's biased by love. It's not the same. I want to be wanted because I arouse passion in someone. I want a guy to look at me and want me. I want guys to ask me to sleep with them.

But that's never gonna be reality. I've accepted it. But today it hurts bad with what my body is going through. If I was even half more attractive than I am, or if I lost 100lbs. But those are not realistic goals for me at this point in life.

Its just hitting harder tonight. If I could kill myself right now and post the pics on Grindr saying:

"am I hot enough now?" I absolutely would. That's how I'm feeling. Maybe I deserve to feel this way for looking the way I do. Maybe I deserve it for thinking I'm worth other men's attention. Maybe society is right about fat people. Maybe we should just die so beautiful people can rule the earth or whatever shit. Maybe I am just a worthless, unfuckable faggot.

I wish I was fucking dead. Please.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

UPDATE:

I'm now having second thoughts about this guy. Because it has occured to me. This could be a great way to kill myself by proxy.

This guy wants to feed me and make me fatter. I also have diabetes.

So like. Food I get for free. And I get to die doing something i love. Eating food. While also also getting someone off.

I mean everyone wins? Eventually the eating will kill me.

I'm thinking this could actually be genius lmao.

 

[bankai]

It's an extremely slow way to go. It will take years. Bad idea.

 

[mossrabbit]

It's an agonizing way to go which will probably drastically lower your quality of life, but only shorten it to a certain degree. Will this guy stick around 15+ years from now when you need limbs amputated, are wheelchair bound, or need supportive oxygen?

Are you prepared to handle the aftermath if he is no longer in the picture and you need a lot of health support?

 

[Novaaa]

Hello! I know how do you feel. I'm a pansexual woman (36). 4 years ago I worked in a LGBT karaoke bar in Mexico city, it's a friend's bar. Almost all the clients are men, especially the regulars, and over time I realized that many of them are superficial and also misogynistic. It was a shock for me, but finally I accepted it. I don't judge anyone.
In fact, I'm sexual therapist and maybe I have some tips that can maybe you feel better.
All of us want to be accepted in the society and our communities. It's more difficult when we are vulnerable populations and most when we have mental health problems.
Well, I have chronic depression too and chronic fatigue too, I took pills to get up.

Feel free to talk to me if you want.

Paula.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

It's an agonizing way to go which will probably drastically lower your quality of life, but only shorten it to a certain degree. Will this guy stick around 15+ years from now when you need limbs amputated, are wheelchair bound, or need supportive oxygen?

Are you prepared to handle the aftermath if he is no longer in the picture and you need a lot of health support?

Just having diabetes doesn't lead to limb loss. That's just stigma. Diabetic limb loss comes from people getting injured, not feeling it and not taking care of the wounds, leading to infections. Diabetes itself does not necrotize your flesh.

And I'm thinking with all the fat, salt and sugar I'm pretty likely to have a heart attack.

But you make some good points. I'm just desperate.

 

[bankai]

Please take care of your health. Health is very, very important. Poor health will only compound your suffering immensely. It's not worth it.

 

[Ijustcantanymore]

Please take care of your health. Health is very, very important. Poor health will only compound your suffering immensely. It's not worth it.

I don't know how to do that anymore. Taking care of myself is so against my goals that I just don't have the energy.

Exercise is like torture to me. I hate it. I may physically benefit in a background way, but I hate the way it feels. Moving. I honestly would not mind at all being one of those humans from Wall-E lmao.

And managing the diabetes is depressing. Having to stab myself everyday is so ironic. If I can even remember because I have severe ADHD and if it wasn't for my partner, if probably be constantly starving and dehydrated.

I just hate everything about my existence and doing things to prolong it just feels like I am participating in my own torture.

Why. Why do they do this to us? Like fuck, just let me go. Society already agrees that someone like me, disabled, can't work, lives off the government, deserves to die anyway and I agree. I should die. But then they won't let me leave unless I suffer first. Humans are so cruel. If there is a god, it definitely abandoned us lmao. I mean. I wouldn't want to claim us as my creation either. Fuck. Lol.