Venting Now What?

[ASilentHope]

Howdy Everyone,

I've slowly reached a point a desperation, and that brings me here. I'm also not sure where else to put this.

I'm not sure really what I want anymore. Over the last couple years everything that I've built for my life and everything I fought for was taken away from me. I don't want to go too much into detail for privacy concerns, but I don't know.

I had a very close call recently, but I couldn't follow through. I called in support and my person came and saved my life, and then turned their back on me two weeks later.

My career is very emotionally taxing but meaningful. However, I don't feel fulfilled by it. I walked away from my safe space as a local volunteer first responder because I found out what some of them actually thought of my struggles.

I feel that I've lost all meaning and purpose as well as my sense of belonging.

I don't know what I want. I'm still pushing through. Seeking professional help, trying to offer myself grace, and try to rebuild. But I hear that call to CTB. I'm not sure if I want to though... I dont necessarily believe in an after life. I don't like the idea of all of this was nothing more than a "test".

I apologize for what feels like crazed ramblings, but I needed to get it out somewhere.

 

[LancyLoew]

It doesn't feel crazed in the slightest, I think I understand what you mean. Finding purpose is not easy, but if you've had a meaningful life you were content with before, then I think you're capable of building one again. If you can imagine yourself rebuilding and becoming happier, then perhaps it's worth staying and trying; and if you believe in no afterlife, then that's all the more reason to try to listen to the part of you that decided to call for help instead of continuing what you were doing. I wouldn't say I've experienced losing everything myself, but I know the dreadful realisation of having no friends, experiences, hobbies, interests or dreams. I'm still not where I'd like to be myself, but might as well try if it feels possible. That's what I believe personally.

 

[Worndown]

Being a first responder is very taxing. You see people in some of their worst moments and need to cool, calm and helpful. If you have an issue of your own, that just adds to the stress and inability to recover on a daily basis.
I had a job like this. The best and hardest job ever. Self care is important.
Take a break and see if you can return at a different level.