Venting Now i’m sure i’ll CTB. This is the way.

[houseofleaves]

don't really wanna share too much details because i will sound super whiny and spoiled (i am by the way))

but

TLDR — i kinda thought about _not CTBing,
because, first, my brain is still developing, and second, maybe continuing life is not that bad,
BUT today I was reminded that i will suffer every day if I stay — not because the world is cruel and blah blah (it really is cruel, but i'm superprivileged, so for me it isn't), but because of my qualities as a human being. I envy those who are better than me. A lot. I envy others so much that i want to kill them. For real.

I've always been like this. And i've always suffered because of it. Of course, i'm not gonna kill any other human being just because of my stupid problems, so yeah, CTB is the way :)

________________________________


Others have a bright future, while I do not; such a strange thing to finally understand. At first, when i just realized that, i was bawling my eyes out. I laid, unable to move, for hours. But now i've found clarity within myself. All i have to do now is solve some minor financial problems, bequeath some things, write final notes. Finally i know what to do. I feel confident in my future. I'm happy now.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable wanting to escape from all suffering. To me life just feels so pointless. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[houseofleaves]

It is understandable wanting to escape from all suffering. To me life just feels so pointless. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

thank you!

 

[myopybyproxy]

I would have thought we were the same person until you mentioned wanting to kill others - I haven't the energy needed to pursue that thought train. But I do get unreasonably happy when I see successful people I envy fail - eg someone whose body I want starts getting fat, someone who has gotten higher marks does poorly compared to me, someone who is efficient at work makes an embarrassing mistake that slows the team down, etc. And I might perhaps on occasion deliberately sabotage them in a small way.

It's immature and probably a little bit evil or whatever the word is - schadenfreude. And I despise myself for it. Unfortunately I've yet to reach the calm and clarity you have.

If I may ask, what is your method? Do you have a date set?

 

[houseofleaves]

If I may ask, what is your method? Do you have a date set?

SN, i think. No date yet (but there will be of course), because i'm not in a hurry. I'm generally happy, healthy and privileged.

I do get unreasonably happy when I see successful people I envy fail - eg someone whose body I want starts getting fat, someone who has gotten higher marks does poorly compared to me, someone who is efficient at work makes an embarrassing mistake that slows the team down, etc. And I might perhaps on occasion deliberately sabotage them in a small way.

YES THIS +++

 

[deleted]

I understand you, when I was in high school I looked at other people in new clothes talking about the new video game they got from their parents and arranging a day to enjoy the weekend with drinking, I looked at each of them with a deadly hatred and that cursed time at school was the time when i wanted to buy a gun the most, no wonder i didn't have any friends everyone avoided me and i was the weird guy who didn't talk to anyone

 

[houseofleaves]

I understand you, when I was in high school I looked at other people in new clothes talking about the new video game they got from their parents and arranging a day to enjoy the weekend with drinking

yes, ++++++!

but for me rn it's not about having good things… it's about talent — and you can't buy talent(((
it's about being brilliant, earning respect and admiration of millions, achieving great things… everything i won't do/have. eh(((

i didn't have any friends everyone avoided me and i was the weird guy who didn't talk to anyone

yeah, me too((