Venting Not Homeless Anymore

[DeathWish3301]

After about a year and a half of being homeless, I have my own apartment.

And I'm still absolutely miserable.

I should be ecstatic. Over the moon. Jumping with joy. But I'm not.

All I care about is the fact that all I want is to be dead, and I'm not.

I'm miserable, no matter what.

I feel so fucking ungrateful.

I wish I could've been guaranteed CTB, then I would've just given the money to someone who would've appreciated it and I would not have even bothered getting a place.

I'm also going to feel like a complete a-hole when I end up checking out via SN within a few weeks, after the complex I got into worked hard to get me of the street. If I have the courage, that is.

I hate everything so much.

 

[elkheart]

Currently homeless and ended up in this situation because I knew securing a place would only deepen my pain again. Solidarity with you.

You aren't ungrateful - you were brave enough to try giving yourself another chance at life and stability. It's okay that things don't automatically feel better or different. Whenever I move somewhere, for the first while I feel awful recognizing it doesn't feel like "home", but then with a little time I remember it takes some settling in to turn it into one. Making it "my own" and such. My body and nervous system remembering I'm safe again and have my own place to just be. Much love.

 

[DeathWish3301]

Currently homeless and ended up in this situation because I knew securing a place would only deepen my pain again. Solidarity with you.

You aren't ungrateful - you were brave enough to try giving yourself another chance at life and stability. It's okay that things don't automatically feel better or different. Whenever I move somewhere, for the first while I feel awful recognizing it doesn't feel like "home", but then with a little time I remember it takes some settling in to turn it into one. Making it "my own" and such. My body and nervous system remembering I'm safe again and have my own place to just be. Much love.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[_Gollum_]

I remember you from last year (based on your profile pic, as a fellow BoJack fan), glad to see that you're at least in a more stable, safer position, even if it doesn't do anything about the ever-present will to die. Best wishes

 

[DeathWish3301]

I remember you from last year (based on your profile pic, as a fellow BoJack fan), glad to see that you're at least in a more stable, safer position, even if it doesn't do anything about the ever-present will to die. Best wishes

Thank you.

 

[Anon314]

After about a year and a half of being homeless, I have my own apartment.

And I'm still absolutely miserable.

I should be ecstatic. Over the moon. Jumping with joy. But I'm not.

All I care about is the fact that all I want is to be dead, and I'm not.

I'm miserable, no matter what.

I feel so fucking ungrateful.

I wish I could've been guaranteed CTB, then I would've just given the money to someone who would've appreciated it and I would not have even bothered getting a place.

I'm also going to feel like a complete a-hole when I end up checking out via SN within a few weeks, after the complex I got into worked hard to get me of the street. If I have the courage, that is.

I hate everything so much.

As I read this my first thought was that your courage could surface in a different direction than you anticipate... I wish you peace no matter what, of course, I know the rules. I am proud to hear you put effort into finding a home. That's a huge deal and I'm sure it was exhausting and maybe even scary to wonder if it would happen and if you could keep it up. It's okay not to feel grateful, I sometimes feel that way about things and I think it's my depression and my mind trying to protect itself from expecting other good things.

 

[DeathWish3301]

As I read this my first thought was that your courage could surface in a different direction than you anticipate... I wish you peace no matter what, of course, I know the rules. I am proud to hear you put effort into finding a home. That's a huge deal and I'm sure it was exhausting and maybe even scary to wonder if it would happen and if you could keep it up. It's okay not to feel grateful, I sometimes feel that way about things and I think it's my depression and my mind trying to protect itself from expecting other good things.

Thanks.