Not committed enough to life OR death

[Hope:-)]

Does anyone relate? I don't make enough effort with life and I'm not making enough effort with death either. I'm not sufficiently committed to either one. It's like I'm hoping for a third option or something...

 

[jodes2]

I'm often the same. I certainly don't know how to improve life so I just do nothing about it. At least with death, I know what I need. SN, antiemetics, pain killers, benzos, antacid and beta blockers. I'm getting there. But when it comes to actually do it, I don't know if I have the commitment. I've been suicidal for 20 years so I'm obviously procrastinating

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

yep… treading water … one realizes this can go on for years … purgatory

 

[Hollowillow]

Yes, fucking limbo!

I attempted partial hanging... Baby steps?

 

[Hope:-)]

yep… treading water … one realizes this can go on for years … purgatory

Yes. That's the term I was going to use- purgatory. Except it's a purgatory that actually feels like hell.

 

[Sardonia]

Yeah. I haven't had any quality of life for the last years, but I don't really have the comittment to end it either. I feel trapped in this limbo/purgatory. I feel like one of those Nazguls from The Lord of the Rings, hehe. Like a ghost.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

It's a struggle for me too :(

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes. That's the term I was going to use- purgatory. Except it's a purgatory that actually feels like hell.

Meanwhile since we seen no future we don't prepare for any… I literally don't shop for more then a day of groceries vaguely hoping I won't exist. Same with laundry or cleaning - why bother?

 

[hatehypocrisy]

The harder I try, the more I lose.

 

[FuneralCry]

It feels as though for a long time I've been trapped between wanting to leave yet feeling as though I'm unable to do anything about it. I know that there's absolutely nothing here for me in this world and I have a strong dislike towards existence itself, but suicide is difficult for me personally.

The fear of failure keeps me here as well as limited access to methods. Of course suicide could never really be easy as it goes against our instinct to survive which is how humans have evolved. I long for peaceful eternal sleep, where I would never have to think about suicide methods again and I would finally be free from everything that is wrong with life.

 

[brokensea]

Yes I am in limbo too. I want to die but am scared about the process. Scared of irrational thoughts of a worse afterlife I can't escape. Feel guilt for others suffering over my death. SI has taken over when I've tried and my irrational emotional attempts failed.

But I do not want to be here. Do not want to live. It is hell. Waking up every day like a shotgun blew out your chest. Struggling to do anything. So completely alone without human contact with anyone and when you do connect with people it's exhausting trying to pretend to be normal and you regret it. I've literally thrown up from the mental effort it takes to pretend nothings wrong with me. I start falling asleep as well.

Life is like a hell I already live in. It's complete torture and agony to live when you don't want to. When nothing will ever make your pain go away. When you don't think it can feel worse but it does it always does.

I would give anything to snap my fingers and disappear and have everyone forget I ever existed. To have no pain and be gone or be in another life.

Who ever asked for this existence?

 

[Astral Storm]

I can totally relate. It's like being in a constant limbo. I don't want to live and the thought of death sounds good but it's like I can't make an effort. I wish I could just disappear peacefully though.

 

[Hope:-)]

Finding it hard to make any progress to adjusting to my life now with facial injuries and in the wake of 16 years of inappropriate medication and current medication withdrawal because I am also planning ctb. If I never go through with ctb I've just been wasting time and energy I could be putting into my life. My life will take my ALL for me to continue and I just can't seem to give it that.

 

[Jimblue]

I tried so hard with life in one point. I just feel nothing improve. People never think I am good enough.

Trying to nice things for people, but my family blame me for that.

This is why I feel I should give up now. I just can not do it.

 

[ReallyTired]

The apathy is the worst, when you no longer strive for self preservation and even the smallest tasks feel like mightiest efforts.
Feeling like your mind is made of mush.
Complete withdrawal and endless waiting.
Purgatory indeed.

 

[Ceterum]

I can relate, basically same story here ... maybe the apathy keeping me from living also keeps me from dying. It's like I don't have the energy for either

 

[evolutionerror]

The apathy is the worst, when you no longer strive for self preservation and even the smallest tasks feel like mightiest efforts.
Feeling like your mind is made of mush.
Complete withdrawal and endless waiting.
Purgatory indeed.

This is me too.. word for word.

Stuck in the middle between life and death, each day feels sort of like its own lifetime.

 

[VKVK]

The apathy is the worst, when you no longer strive for self preservation and even the smallest tasks feel like mightiest efforts.
Feeling like your mind is made of mush.
Complete withdrawal and endless waiting.
Purgatory indeed.

I feel like this for so long now, I don't know when it will end. But I'll either have some sort of miracle happen or I'll finally do it soon.