BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 553
It seems that nothing works and I just keep feeling pain everyday. I just don't understand why I've tried so many methods to ease it and it still comes back. Because of this I want to set my CTB date earlier.
I have several problems though:
1.) My initial plan was to do it after I graduate, after I do some traveling. But I still need to wait till 2023 and later to do it, and that's still very far from now.
2.) I have very little access to resources. I can't order SN without looking suspicious, jumping is too scary and I just don't really like hanging. I'm still not sure about tourniquet and night night. SN would be great if I lived alone. Jumping is a one time shot that could give me serious injuries, which I don't want to happen.
3.) I'm still scared to do it, despite how much I want to end the pain. I could end the guilt but not the fear.
4.) Kimetsu no Yaiba season 2 is not out yet. And, so many anime I want to watch and games I want to play.
I really want to be appreciated by him, that's all. That's enough for me to not kill myself. I remember him saying that he does but his extremely introverted personality and lack of social skills make me feel otherwise. I wish he was more open to me. It's either I stop loving him entirely or he appreciates me. Neither will happen. I understand that it's beyond pathetic to depend on someone else for happiness, but I swear I've did my best to overcome it. I swear I did my best to distract myself from it, even for a short while. I swear that I did everything for myself and him. And still.
I've asked for people before for help, and I don't want them to get tired of me. I wouldn't want to burden anyone anymore because my problem seems to have no solution other than CTB. Not even I could help myself. No amount of self-love can get rid of my love for him. I'm human garbage compared to other people, because it's so easy to get over a breakup from a long-term relationship, and I'm not even at that stage yet. Seems that I'm more susceptible to suicidal thoughts than they are.
Either I risk jumping or go through 4+ years of severe pain. There seems to be no way out. By the way, I've dealt with this since September or October 2019. It was completely hell for me.
I have several problems though:
1.) My initial plan was to do it after I graduate, after I do some traveling. But I still need to wait till 2023 and later to do it, and that's still very far from now.
2.) I have very little access to resources. I can't order SN without looking suspicious, jumping is too scary and I just don't really like hanging. I'm still not sure about tourniquet and night night. SN would be great if I lived alone. Jumping is a one time shot that could give me serious injuries, which I don't want to happen.
3.) I'm still scared to do it, despite how much I want to end the pain. I could end the guilt but not the fear.
4.) Kimetsu no Yaiba season 2 is not out yet. And, so many anime I want to watch and games I want to play.
I really want to be appreciated by him, that's all. That's enough for me to not kill myself. I remember him saying that he does but his extremely introverted personality and lack of social skills make me feel otherwise. I wish he was more open to me. It's either I stop loving him entirely or he appreciates me. Neither will happen. I understand that it's beyond pathetic to depend on someone else for happiness, but I swear I've did my best to overcome it. I swear I did my best to distract myself from it, even for a short while. I swear that I did everything for myself and him. And still.
I've asked for people before for help, and I don't want them to get tired of me. I wouldn't want to burden anyone anymore because my problem seems to have no solution other than CTB. Not even I could help myself. No amount of self-love can get rid of my love for him. I'm human garbage compared to other people, because it's so easy to get over a breakup from a long-term relationship, and I'm not even at that stage yet. Seems that I'm more susceptible to suicidal thoughts than they are.
Either I risk jumping or go through 4+ years of severe pain. There seems to be no way out. By the way, I've dealt with this since September or October 2019. It was completely hell for me.
