I've wanted to commit suicide since I was around 14. I tried to hold on to hope that things would get better, but I'm 25 now and still in the same boat. Every situationship gone wrong is a trigger for me. I can't keep a stable relationship and it's difficult for me to hold down jobs because of my panic attacks and my slowness at times. Most recently, a guy I was seeing became distant after we slept together, and I love him so much and I hate myself for it. He used to talk about wanting to marry me and now he only messages me if I send him a direct question. He said he wants to wait until after Halloween to be in a relationship because he has trauma this time of year and doesn't think he can be a good partner right now, and he said he wants to work on himself first. But I think he just doesn't like me.
I'm too much of a coward to attempt suicide sober (I worry about Hell and all that) but I recently got drunk and overdosed. Then when I couldn't breathe I chickened out and called 911. Then a couple weeks later I was put in an involuntary hospitalization for a week (the beds were so hard that my back hurts now). I'm out of the psych ward but I still want to die so badly. I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. I don't talk to my parents (they're multi millionaires and extremely selfish people in general. My mom is an anti-vaxxer and I wasn't allowed to take antibiotics, Ibuprofen, or Tylenol or go to the doctor as a kid, leading to some bad situations for me and my siblings). From what I've been told, they never donate money to charity and just go on these lavish vacations. I'm also getting tested for autism soon.
I'm constantly in emotional pain. It's often hard for me to concentrate on anything because I want so badly to just be unconscious. Can anyone relate? My friends IRL just keep telling me to get help. I'm in therapy, I take medications, I've done ketamine and TMS treatments, and I'm not getting better. The only thing that brings me peace is thinking about death.
I'm too much of a coward to attempt suicide sober (I worry about Hell and all that) but I recently got drunk and overdosed. Then when I couldn't breathe I chickened out and called 911. Then a couple weeks later I was put in an involuntary hospitalization for a week (the beds were so hard that my back hurts now). I'm out of the psych ward but I still want to die so badly. I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. I don't talk to my parents (they're multi millionaires and extremely selfish people in general. My mom is an anti-vaxxer and I wasn't allowed to take antibiotics, Ibuprofen, or Tylenol or go to the doctor as a kid, leading to some bad situations for me and my siblings). From what I've been told, they never donate money to charity and just go on these lavish vacations. I'm also getting tested for autism soon.
I'm constantly in emotional pain. It's often hard for me to concentrate on anything because I want so badly to just be unconscious. Can anyone relate? My friends IRL just keep telling me to get help. I'm in therapy, I take medications, I've done ketamine and TMS treatments, and I'm not getting better. The only thing that brings me peace is thinking about death.
Wishing you the best
