TheLostCause
Falling Apart
- Nov 7, 2020
- 91
Random post, bit of a vent, bit of a hey this happened im struggling and i dont know what the fuck to do right now.
So my go to method has always been taking medications. Ive tried 8-10 times now. Every time either nothing has happened (didnt take enough), someone has found me or i rung someone and told them in my drug induced haze what i did. In my opinion asking for help after is the worst thing to do, deffinatly the most embarrassing.
My idea is to go for liver failure a slow agonizing death, i feel i deserve nothing less. I was trying to get help, theres still a part of me that wants help but i struggle to ask for it. I was crying out for immediate help over a week before last friday, (i say immediate as ive been crying out for help for years and years because i just cant cope). I have supports and such inplace but they all failed me when i really needed them and one support site even blocked my account after they rung someone to help me which im still confused at, help someone, message and ask them after what support they got then fuck them off.. nice.
Anywho friday, i rung in an emotional state after taking alot of meds and weed and ended up in hospital for less than 24 hours then told i was medically fit to leave, i left refusing to see the mh team as a fat lot of good they did me when i was asking for help. Ensue the next 36hours of hell, couldnt eat or drink not even water, spent the entire time sleeping and vomitting, headaches, stomach pains, got told it will pass by the same mh team who failed me Friday. I then got a call Monday they were sending someone to come pick me up and take me back to hospital as i shouldnt have been declared medically fit to leave, my liver was struggling and my body was regecting anything oral. Basically i almost achieved the way out i was aiming for but stupidly agreed to go back to hospital in my miserable state. Now im stuck in hospital on a drip with no clue what im supposed to do. My heads a mess, i have 0 support for atleast over a week as 2 appointments i should have had this week i had to cancel due to being here. The only good thing is as i already left and came back i dont have to see the hospital mh team again which are the useless ones but at the same time i need something to help me recover and get through this until i come up with a better plan and feel the time is right. I don't even know anymore if i want help and to get better or if i just want to ctb and get it over and done with so i dont have to live through this miserable life im living anymore.
No particular point to this post just need to get it out there.
So my go to method has always been taking medications. Ive tried 8-10 times now. Every time either nothing has happened (didnt take enough), someone has found me or i rung someone and told them in my drug induced haze what i did. In my opinion asking for help after is the worst thing to do, deffinatly the most embarrassing.
My idea is to go for liver failure a slow agonizing death, i feel i deserve nothing less. I was trying to get help, theres still a part of me that wants help but i struggle to ask for it. I was crying out for immediate help over a week before last friday, (i say immediate as ive been crying out for help for years and years because i just cant cope). I have supports and such inplace but they all failed me when i really needed them and one support site even blocked my account after they rung someone to help me which im still confused at, help someone, message and ask them after what support they got then fuck them off.. nice.
Anywho friday, i rung in an emotional state after taking alot of meds and weed and ended up in hospital for less than 24 hours then told i was medically fit to leave, i left refusing to see the mh team as a fat lot of good they did me when i was asking for help. Ensue the next 36hours of hell, couldnt eat or drink not even water, spent the entire time sleeping and vomitting, headaches, stomach pains, got told it will pass by the same mh team who failed me Friday. I then got a call Monday they were sending someone to come pick me up and take me back to hospital as i shouldnt have been declared medically fit to leave, my liver was struggling and my body was regecting anything oral. Basically i almost achieved the way out i was aiming for but stupidly agreed to go back to hospital in my miserable state. Now im stuck in hospital on a drip with no clue what im supposed to do. My heads a mess, i have 0 support for atleast over a week as 2 appointments i should have had this week i had to cancel due to being here. The only good thing is as i already left and came back i dont have to see the hospital mh team again which are the useless ones but at the same time i need something to help me recover and get through this until i come up with a better plan and feel the time is right. I don't even know anymore if i want help and to get better or if i just want to ctb and get it over and done with so i dont have to live through this miserable life im living anymore.
No particular point to this post just need to get it out there.
