My vent thread (unluckysadness)

[unluckysadness]

So, I guess it's time to create my own vent thread. What can I say... ?

Let's start with a question to God Almighty : WTF is (was) my miserable life ?? Can you hear me ?? Did I really deserve all this shit ??

All all these people who are suffering on Earth, did they deserve it ?? Is it fair ??

God, please...

 

[unluckysadness]

The harder I try, the more I fail. It's not for lack of trying if the whole universe is against me.

I did my best despite all these obstacles. After decades of struggles, I became an expert in survival, but I've never lived. Such normal things like love will always remain an unknown area for me.

Today my mother came for an hour and I wrote to Athanasios Switzerland. My mother doesn't know anything about my plans. Athanasios replied and asks me CHF 100.- if I want an answer from them. I don't know if I'll do it. Maybe, maybe not.

 

[unluckysadness]

Mom, Dad, I must tell you something : I'm on a suicide forum everyday since almost one year, but I cannot talk about it with you. Don't judge me, no need to call a psych ward. I'm not crazy, just suicidal because my life was ruined. The toxic family didn't help... But people here are very nice with me and understand my problems, so I'm waiting for death. And please Mom, don't pray too much for my healing, you'll be VERY disappointed because it won't work. You don't know how much I'm sick. I'm very good with masking my real emotions. My real emotions are put on this forum.

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm in front of the Athanasios website since days and I don't know what to do. They ask for a date, but I don't have a date in mind. If they want a date, I'll give them a date. I'll tell them 2027. I just want to ask them "hey guys, I don't need "assisted "suicide, just sell me a little N bottle and I know how to drink it"...

 

[SASU-KE]

Athanasios replied and asks me CHF 100.

So they're asking you to pay money just for general information? Or is it some sort of application?'Cause I know these guys charge for the application process. But if they're asking money just for providing information, that's unacceptable.

On a separate note. I'm aware your life has been very difficult for a long time and you've been fighting a war on several fronts. I hope you find peace.

 

[unluckysadness]

So they're asking you to pay money just for general information? Or is it some sort of application?'Cause I know these guys charge for the application process. But if they're asking money just for providing information, that's unacceptable.

On a separate note. I'm aware your life has been very difficult for a long time and you've been fighting a war on several fronts. I hope you find peace.

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your kind message Yes I've been in hell for decades and I'm realistic about my future. More humiliation is not what I want. Today the pain in my body is so intense and doctors can't do anything for me. I'm not asking for help anymore because I'm too tired of all this shit. I don't really want to ctb but I feel I'm forced to, and it makes it more cruel. But that's just life ! (and life is great, isn't it !?? )

Yes I just asked Athanasios how could I do to talk about it to my family and they just gave me the link to pay CHF 100.- I also told them about my disabilities but they refuse to talk with me if I don't pay this amount.

To be honest, I don't really appreciate their answer, but for now I'm not strong enough to drink SN. These organizations are the only ones who have this peaceful N substance. It could be worse because a lot of people here are looking for SN and I don't have this problem, but too scared for the moment. I deserve a peaceful death. But the real reason I'm asking Athanasios is to tell to my family : "see, I'm eligible in Switzerland so it means I suffer a lot and you shouldn't blame me".

 

[SASU-KE]

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your kind message Yes I've been in hell for decades and I'm realistic about my future. More humiliation is not what I want. Today the pain in my body is so intense and doctors can't do anything for me. I'm not asking for help anymore because I'm too tired of all this shit. I don't really want to ctb but I feel I'm forced to, and it makes it more cruel. But that's just life ! (and life is great, isn't it !?? )

This is the very worst situation in my opinion. I knew someone once who took their life because of health reasons. But they didn't want to die. Haunts me to this day.

Yes I just asked Athanasios how could I do to talk about it to my family and they just gave me the link to pay CHF 100.- I also told them about my disabilities but they refuse to talk with me if I don't pay this amount.

This is not the right way to treat a person who's looking to take their own life. Seems very transactional. I at least hope once the payment is made they answer all questions instead of sending another link next time you need something.

To be honest, I don't really appreciate their answer, but for now I'm not strong enough to drink SN. These organizations are the only ones who have this peaceful N substance. It could be worse because a lot of people here are looking for SN and I don't have this problem, but too scared for the moment. I deserve a peaceful death. But the real reason I'm asking Athanasios is to tell to my family : "see, I'm eligible in Switzerland so it means I suffer a lot and you shouldn't blame me".

Ideally this would be the right way to go. Surrounded by family. Is there any risk in telling your family to ask permission ?Do they know about your ideation?

 

[unluckysadness]

This is the very worst situation in my opinion. I knew someone once who took their life because of health reasons. But they didn't want to die. Haunts me to this day.

Ideally this would be the right way to go. Surrounded by family. Is there any risk in telling your family to ask permission ?Do they know about your ideation?

I also knew a very kind woman who committed suicide because of years of fighting Lyme disease. I think of her all the time and I miss her. Another guy who had the same rare disease as me jumped from his building and I miss him too. As long as governments say no to euthanasia, good people will die like this. Alone and with violence. Shame.

I also think assisted suicide is the right way to go. I guess my family would be less devastated, and they could prepare themselves mentally. I told them once about this idea of Swizterland or Belgium, and they asked me to forget this idea (they are VERY religious). But in my previous email to Athanasios, they told me that I'm old enough to make my own decisions, so I don't need the permission of someone else. I'd like to ask my brother but I know him, he won't accept this idea. My family loves me and I understand them.

But I should focus on "positive" things :
- I have SN and everything needed as mentioned in the PPH
- I have the exact amount of money on my bank account to go to Switzerland
- I can freely discuss here with wonderful people

I know other people here are disabled and need to escape because of huge health issues, so I should be grateful for what I have.

 

[volo]

I believe that the organization will ask you to inform your family beforehand. But yes, if you get approved, you parents may have to side with you. I think you may need a person to go with you there, or the whole family can go. I think it is in their faq-s.
There is one British guy who has a website explaining all those organizations and how he went to see them. It may be useful to read it.

 

[unluckysadness]

I just turn on the TV and there is a show with vets. Everytime I think the same thing when they talk about euthanasia : it's so easy for them to die peacefully and they even don't ask for it... I want to be a cat.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel so bad but I don't want to ctb while there is this fucking heatwave. My family doesn't deserve to suffocate during my funeral.

 

[unluckysadness]

Today was a da of pure torture. I'm not exaggerating. A few years ago, I thought something will happen to me when I'm 43. I'll be 44 soon but I think I'll finally be dead before this date. I suffered too much. Insane.

 

[unluckysadness]

So many people died because of heatwaves. Why can't I just die like these people ? Fuck.

 

[unluckysadness]

There's no doubt anymore : we are living in hell. When I hear the news and when I read the posts here, yes, we are living in hell.
How can people be afraid of hell ? We already are in hell...

 

[unluckysadness]

I'm writing my symptoms for Athanasios. There is so much to say and some symptoms are really awkward.
Strange feeling to write such intimate things. I'm not comfortable at all to share this to strangers, but if it can help for my eligibility, I think it's okay.
I won't write the whole thing today because I'm really tired with nervousness because of lack of sleep and endless heatwave. But i hope to send the list before the end of the month. I really need an answer quickly. I hope it will give me some relief when they will agree i'm eligible. If they say I'm not, I still have my SN ready to go.

 

[unluckysadness]

Why do I procrastinate so much ? I know I need to send my request to Athanasios.
Today my parents came to see me for an hour and I feel like I'm betraying them. They don't know anything about my request for euthanasia.
I need maybe more time. I've always put too much pressure on myself. I guess that asking for euthanasia is not a normal thing, so it can explain my procrastination (+ the fear of being judged by strangers ?) But I've been procrastinating for EVERYTHING !... What is easy or normal for other people has always been so hard and stressful for me. I'm so tired of all this shit.